Am I the only one?

This is really hard for me to come here about, but I need to find out if I am the only one feeling like this. Since my surgery my sex drive has been next to nothing. Most of the time I don't even want my husband to touch me or even put his arm around me. It is really taking a toll on our marriage. He has just recently started being very emotional about it, and it is scaring me. I keep telling him that it isn't him. It isn't him. I LOVE HIM with all of my heart, and it is killing me that I don't want to be intimate with him anymore. He complains that I don't kiss him anymore, and I don't even hold his hand anymore. I'm even uncomfortable talking about intimacy with him. I can't understand this. It is tearing me apart knowing that it is tearing him apart. I've been told...just be more affectionate...he'll be better...but I really don't want to be. I've never been like this in my life. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and I'm hoping that all the stress I've been under, and my body changing so drastically in the last year is the reason, and it will all change. We are financially strapped...close to losing the car, and unable to pay some other bills...I'm driving 80 miles round trip to my full time job everyday, and work a 2nd part time job on nights and weekends. My weight loss has really slowed down and it is frustrating me...and it scares me that when I look in a mirror I don't recognize the person staring back at me. Not to mention a handful of other stressors.... I love my husband more than life itself, I just can't bring myself to be affectionate right now. Am I the only one? Please help me...I can't take this anymore, I cry everyday over it and it isn't helping matters any. Judy

Hi Judy... no you arent the only one... I have been married for 21 years to the best man in the world and we have always been very affectionate.... but since surgery my sex drive is gone and it scared me... I went to my gyno and talked to him about it and he recommened another doctor who deals with these kind of issuses.... come to find out since surgery my testosterone (sp) level was so low... and that is what produces your sex drive... so the doctor put me on testosterone creme and its getting better.... not back to what it was before surgery..... believe me I would love to get back there.... I know with all these changes we go through with surgery its hard... mentally and physcially (sp).... my husband has always loved me no matter what size I have been and this is the smallest I have ever been in my life... and we met when we were 16.... but I think having all this loose skin doesnt help looking at myself in the mirror either.... I know people say just be more affectionate but that isnt the problem I would have your doctor check your testoterone levels.... Hope this helps.. if you want to email me please feel free to do so Debra 227/205/133/120 goal (almost there)

Judith- I have the same feelings towards my husband. I don't know why? I feel just like you, I love him, but sometimes I just feel this overwhelming sense of resentment towards him. He has some serious problems that I don't want to get into, but for all of our marriage I've been carrying us, keeping us afloat. When I had surgery and these feelings started to resignate, I realized that I've focused all my time and energy, like you, working two and three jobs and have not focused on taking care of myself, my body. I decided to be affectionate towards myself for a change and forget for a moment, husband and all. Sometimes, we can't be all that we are. Sometimes we just need to focus on ourselves, not in a selfish way, but with the thought that if we neglect ourselves then we would be no good to no one including the people we so want to focus our attention on. I am also frustrated with my weight. I am close to 11 months and I have gained 5 pounds. I perfer to be on a plateau than to gain! I'll never make it to 100 pounds by my 1 year anniversary.

Hi Judith. This has been addressed at our support group meetings. The surgical nurse says hormones are stored in fat and after dramatic weightloss, our hormones are totally screwed up. It sounds to me like you're under a tremendous amount of stress too. You should talk to your surgeon about it since they know the most about this surgery and its after effects. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a mental health professional too. Hopefully, your insurance covers it. Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel. I've been down that road. Good luck to you, I'm sending good vibes your way. Hugs, Barb

I can understand where you are coming from, Judith. Before surgery I had the strongest sex drive EVER. In fact, I drove my husband almost nuts with my constant desire. Many a fight did we have over me Wanting and him Not Wanting. I know, I know, sounds strange, huh? I always thought men would think it was the BEST THING IN THE WORLD, but experience over the years taught me that men have no idea what it's really like to have a high sex drive woman, other than in their fantasies. I have come to conclude it was due to my severe lack of self-confidence, and that because I have always associated Sex with Love, I wanted more and more sex in order to feel loved. Post Op and -122 lbs. or so (so far), I have discovered that Sex just doesn't matter to me as much any more. It still feels good, it's still fun, but my desire is very low. I try and show affection as much as possible, but sometimes I am downright annoyed at being "bothered" by displays from my husband (which such displays have dramatically increased) when I am trying to do something else. I am sure this annoys him. He doesn't say anything, but it is an obvious and marked change, and I am sure that he notices. It seems we have swapped around here - he now wants it more than I do! While on some fronts that makes me feel good, insomuch as we are not fighting about my constant desire any more, it is sometimes a "oh geez" in my brain now when I know he is feeling amorous and I just want to go to sleep. Your situation most likely also has a great deal to do with the high amount of stress you are under. You just can't relax and enjoy yourself as much when you have so much on your mind. All I can recommend is to do things that will truly relax you and take your mind off of what is bothering you - a bubble bath, some relaxing music, perhaps have him give you a massage. It's almost like going back to having sex again after having a baby, it seems, you have to ease back into it. Plus with your body having changed so much, some things may feel different, some things may not feel as good as before, and you may have some experimenting to do...odd as that may seem! All in all, I find that most of it is mental and once you identify the mental blocks that are holding you back, you will feel more free to enjoy the pleasure again. Good luck! ~Stacy