9 month Musings... (long post)
Hi August family,
[Put your feet up and grab a drink if you have time...it's a long post!]
I don't post terribly often, mostly from a time perspective since I am on the boards in short spurts throughout the day. But I keep up with everyone and draw so much from everything I read! I feel so close to all of you and wish I could post as often as I'd like. You really are a family to me and I am so appreciative of everyone's love and candor and encouragement. It is especially neat to read everything that goes on with you since we have our surgery month in common, and we all experience similar things - variations on a theme, so to speak.
Today marks nine months since my surgery. I will post at a year, too, I am sure, but since nine months is the same as a pregnancy gestation, I felt like I'd talk about how this nine months has changed me. I am not "fully cooked" just yet, as a term baby would be, but the parallel seemed a little intriguing. Here goes:
I have been terribly blessed in my journey. I have had no complications, I don't get sick, and I don't dump per se (though if I test sugar/fat too much, my body lets me know, so I don't test too often). I have had plenty of energy, good labs, the whole works. Fortunate does not begin to describe how I feel or how much I owe my surgeon, Dr. Davidson, and the myriad support people in my life.
Every day, I do my best to fulfill my part of the deal. I take my vitamins and calcium, drink plenty of water, get protein first, and exercise. I work out 5-6 times a week. I figure that I can't complain about not losing if I'm not keeping up with what I'm supposed to do. Now I am far from perfect in my eating - but I try to get protein first regardless, and occasionally I venture into the land of imperfect foods. However, I make sure I've gotten what I need beforehand. I work hard to get in fresh things (veggies and fruits) as much as possible, as well. Spring and summer are so wonderful when it comes to fresh produce!
I went for my nine-month appointment yesterday and have lost 100 pounds since surgery. That makes 112 pounds since I first started the surgical journey. It never fails to amaze me how skewed our perspective can be after WLS. I know 100 pounds is a lot, and would seem like a mammoth amount to people who don't live and breathe these surgery numbers. I struggle a little bit with comparisons to people who "only" need to lose 100 or so pounds and/or can reach goal sooner. I know those comparisons can be completely lethal, and I have sense enough to be grateful for what I've accomplished rather than whining about what I still need to do. I am much less caught up in the comparisons than I once was. After all, what's the rush? I'm not going anywhere...whether I'd reached goal by now or not, I am still working the plan and there is no real hurry.
THAT SAID - I am delighted with this loss. I still can't believe how much it is. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't have done this any other way. I work every day to remind myself that I deserve this smaller, healthier body and that it won't be snatched from me in the night. It still seems like such a dream, after a lifetime of being M.O., to be semi-normal. Amazing!
The loss has been bizarre. Some weeks I'll lose nothing or one pound; the next week I'll lose three. I know that's part of the game, and I know that all of you can identify! It can be frustrating, especially when I can't account for not losing (two weeks can be identical in nearly all ways, and I can lose one of those weeks and maintain the next - whatever!), but I know that's how the body deals with weight loss. It's all fine with me. I do take measurements and that's a good gauge as well.
Two WLS moments, of sorts, that I wanted to share:
-First, my cousin got married in Orlando on April 23. I am sure all of you have had, at one time or another, a wedding/banquet/prom/work function or something similar to attend, and you've thought, "By the time of that event, I KNOW I will have lost some weight!" (If you've ever been a bridesmaid, wow, that always happens!) Anyway, my cousin had been engaged for 17 months, so I knew about this wedding for a long time. I was determined to look good for it. I was so sick of showing up to significant events looking very unattractive. Having my surgery in August gave me the confidence that I would have lost some significant poundage by the time the wedding rolled around.
It was such a boon to go to the wedding knowing that I looked a whole heckuva lot better than I would have a year ago. Still not where I want to be, but I wasn't the fattest one there by any stretch (and I have been in the past). I felt beautiful and confident that I had done everything I could to look as good as possible that night. And that was the first time I had ever left a major event like that when I was NOT thinking, "Oh, if only I had lost weight for this." What an incredible change! If you're pre-op or newly post-op and haven't yet gone through this, you'll absolutely LOVE this feeling!
-Second, I was so generously gifted with a trip to New York City the weekend after the wedding. I am here to tell you that I would have been kicking myself if I had been offered that trip a year ago. I would have wanted to go, but knowing that I couldn't walk for long hauls without aching feet and legs might have kept me home. Not to mention the joys of the plane ride! I was about one Reese's cup away from an extension before surgery. Very, very close - and probably would have had one sooner had pride not gotten in the way.
Well, NYC was amazing. Even the plane ride was a testimony to WLS. I had to ride in the middle seat on the plane, which doesn't sound fun even if you're as thin as a model, but it was not bad at all. I didn't have to raise the armrests in order to sit comfortably, which I would have done a year ago. I've flown a few times since surgery, and the slack on the seatbelt is fantastic, but knowing I can seat in the middle seat for a long stretch was comforting above and beyond that.
And the walking did not faze me in the least. Granted, I was delighted to sit down after hours of almost-constant walking/being on my feet, but again, that's something I couldn't have done comfortably 100 pounds ago. The lower weight, plus the exercise I've been doing, certainly made the trip more enjoyable. Much like how I felt at the wedding, I loved knowing that I was just overweight and not a standout in the crowd in terms of my appearance. The trip was magical, in large part because of what my WLS has done for me.
You can see a recurring theme here, that of feeling "normal" after all this time. More than all the beautiful off-the-rack clothes I'll ever buy, or whatever number I will see on the scale, I am most awed by that feeling of normalcy. Yes, I am still overweight and I have a way to go until I am more comfortable with my body. And you know what? I will probably never be completely, 100% comfortable with it, particularly if I am using the world's standards. That is OK by me. I am 34 years old and have been obese all my life, so I don't have expectations of being centerfold material. There's so much more in life to be concerned with than the minutiae of one's appearance. I will be as toned as possible, and the chips will fall where they may beyond my efforts. To me, having my health is worth a whole lot more than spending a lifetime being dissatisfied with my appearance. There is a fine line to walk between being too concerned with one's appearance and not concerned enough, and I hope I can walk it well. My arms are frightening and I'd love to get them worked on, but I'll cross that bridge later. Hooray for the camouflage that clothes offer us!
I could go on all day, but for those of you who are still with me, I thank you for reading my ramblings. They were mostly therapeutic for me, but I trust that someone will get something out of this, just like I take wisdom from every post on here. I send you my best wishes for continued success in your journey, whether you are a seasoned post-op, just beginning the research, or somewhere in between. Contact me with any questions or comments - I promise I don't always write this much, though I am fairly long-winded! - and know that I support everyone here in efforts toward better health and a happier existence.
God bless you all!
Kathryn
Lap RNY 08/12/04
290/278/178/120
P.S. I don't know if my new pics are showing up yet - but they're at the bottom of my profile.
Congratulations Kathryn! You are doing a great job with the tool you have been given. Like you I try to do my best with what I've been given. There are times where I don't make the wisest of food choices but hey...nobody's perfect right? Keep up the good job and you will hit goal eventually. Just don't give up.
Oh, and I can ask...is your goal a goal you chose or your surgeon chose?
Kristy
254/146/140
Kristy
254/146/140 Hey Kristy,
First of all, thanks for reading my post! I know it was SO LONG but I hoped someone would get something out of it.
The goal is one that my surgeon set. Actually he doesn't set goals until late in the game (nine mos or one year) because he wants you to go for more of a size than a number. Like, I'd love to wear a size 8, but a 6 sounds great. Stuff like that.
We chose 120 because I am short (5'1") and 120 has me in a normal BMI. However, he said that I could be happy at 130. Since I have been M.O. for so long, he said my bone density and muscle weight will be higher from having carried around the weight for so long. So I might be the same size and build as someone who hasn't been M.O. before, and I might weigh 10-15 lbs. more. The BMI calculators don't take things like that into effect!
I'll just take it as it comes. I don't want to sell myself short, but I don't want to be unrealistic in my pursuit of a certain number.
You're a real inspiration - so close to goal! Keep up the amazing work!
Thanks for replying,
Kathryn
Get out of my head! LOL
I swear, reading your post was like someone saying every single thing in my brain that I have thought in the last month or so. Other than the exercise (kudos to you on that, I am a slacker in that regard), you and I could be twins in thought and activities.
I went to Oregon on a very, very long set of plane trips a couple of weeks ago. Like you, I was about a Reese's cup from that extender, but I was afraid of it...and yes, I probably needed it sooner, too. Not only did I have slack in the belt, which was SO nice, but I kept my legs crossed for most of the trip, which felt strangely odd, and exciting.
Regardless of all the things that happen, though, I too sometimes feel it's "not enough". That there's more...I look at other people who are naturally slim, and think, "Oh, oh, I will never be THAT small, there's just no way", I look in the mirror and say, "Tsk Tsk, look at your blubbery stomach and thighs, you will never look good in shorts or a swimsuit, EVER...". Of course I don't know this to be the case. But a lot of days, I just can't imagine the possibility that I am "normal".
One thing that made me realize I was approaching normal was when a Flight Attendant, who had helped us switch seats to get all of our family together, conspiratorially said to me..."That poor man who moved for you has to sit by this terribly fat man." Now, I couldn't see the man, but for someone to be talking to ME about someone ELSE being fat, well...I was just shocked. At first, I was thinking, HEY why is she saying something to ME like that, I am probably just as fat as he is! But then I realized...Oh wait. I guess I'm not. Is this what "normal" people say to each other? Part of me was happy to be "normal", and another part wondered what people had previously said about ME.
It's a strange world, this new one we have joined!
~Stacy
When people tell me I look great, I tell them I;m just happy to look normal. Congrats on your success 
and good luck with the reast of your journey. Hugs, barb Most Active
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