Today is not a good day!!! It started out as a good day. A just fine, no big deal kinda day. Now.. I am angry at no one and everyone at the same time. 

I am on day 6 of this stupid pre op liquid diet. I hate it. Day two was miserable. I was miserable. I had a headache that was awful, made me sick to my stomach, then I couldn't "eat" cause I was sick to my stomach, but not eating made that worse. I couldn't even stomach the thought of water.. I was miserable until about 3 am the next day. My week was busy.. chaotically busy. So that was kinda okay. But, I know that if I go too long in between "eating" I feel lightheaded and sick. So I try to make sure that I drink something on time and that I try to get in my water which has been a problem all week. 

No, it's not all bad, I did lose 10 lbs in the past 5 days. But back to my second day. I got a phone cal,l a bad phone call from my aunt. My grandma, whom I call gram and I love more dearly than most others in my life has pancreatic cancer.. non operable pancreatic cancer. Her Dr said it will be what she dies from..we just don't know how long she has left. From early post you may remember that I just lost my dad in April. It was horrific.. I had to "watch" him die from 3 states away. I made several trips and did get to spend some time with him but I was not there when he finally passed...from Cancer..diagnosed this same time last year. My gram is just under my dad on the list of people who would devastate me if they were gone. So first my dad.. then his mom in the same year from CANCER!!!!!!!! see how this did not start out as a good week for an emotional eater??

The rest of the week went okay.. and by okay I mean I was busy and although I missed food I was much to proud of myself to  give into the ten min pleasure of scarfing down ANYTHING-YAY me. 

Today? What changed? It caught up to me I think. I am hungry.. head hungry, actually hungry, emotionally hungry.. just hungry. I don't want my shakes..I don't want the cream-milk consistency soup I can have.. I want to eat, something in my mouth with substance that requires me to chew it and savor it. My husband, who was being nice and cooking dinner so I didn't have too, baked a chicken.. the whole house smelled of it. That was the last straw. I have locked myself in my room feeling sorry for myself and being angry at nothing and everything!! 

Why can I not have the low fat baked chicken, broccoli and cottage cheese? The healthy and oh so yummy smelling food the rest of my family was eating? I mean come on, this whole thing is about eating healthy, better, and I can't have any? It's complete and total BS. I hear all the time of people who were allowed to have shakes and one healthy meal and their surgeries went fine. I know this makes my liver smaller and therefore surgery easier and recovery better and if I can't do this now I won't do it then..blah. blah, blah.. I know all of that and I am sure tomorrow I will wake up in a better mind frame and happy that my husband did not let me have that one small wing I was begging him for..but for tonight, I am hiding in my room, mourning my dad, the ideas of losing my gram...and food! 

Is anyone else going that day?

I visited with Dr. Glas**** today and was told I will wake up with a drainage tupe and a feeding tube.  I will come hope with both and I could stay in the hospital up to 5 days.  It all depends on what they find like scar tissue that will make the surgery more involved and take several hours.  They are allowing 8 hours for my surgery but it could take 3 to 8 hours he said.  My first two weeks after surgery I am to have nothing by mouth everything is to go through the feeding tube.  I've not read of anyone else that had to have all this but I believe Dr. Glas**** is being prepared and trying to prevent any problems by doing all of this.  He really seems to know his stuff and was very down to earth and made sure I knew what I was.  Tomorrow I drink my Bowel prep of Citroma, 12 oz and I also start my two different antibiotics on Sunday - they are one days worth.  I was given a liquid pain medicine but that scares me as I take 200 mg morphine every 12 hours for chronic back pain and I sure the heck hope this isn't what he plans on me using at home after surgery as it isn't anywhere as strong as what I take on a daily dose - which I've been taking for 5 years now.  I might have to go back to the pain patches as they will be the only medcine that will work for me after the bypass.  My next concern is the patches didn't work when they decided to try the morphoine.  I lived on oxycontin 40 mg every 12 houjrs when I switched to several different forms of pain meds till morphjine helped the most.  I have to go into the hospital anytime Sunday to have my blood drawn for Type and Screen/crossmatch blood test.  Dr. Glas**** also asked me if I had been informed that my blood work taken for the past cuuple years point to the start of diabetes for which My family Doctor did not mention.  That was a shocker but hopefully with this surgery I won't even have to begin t reatment.  I am also to bring my BiPaP machine with me to the hospital even though I have been unable to use it but he said they would keep me doped up enough at first that maybe I will be able to keep it on and the air blowing past the mask won't keep me awake or wake me up.

Only two days left then I will be starting a new life.  I'll post again when I'm home.

Good luck to you too!! It was not easy! That's for sure!!! 

Thanks!! :)