moving on..
This morning I got up, made my shake, grabbed my lap top and went back to my bed. I spent the morning reading some blogs, catching up on emails and nothing that was really important. I am not hungry, nor do I feel like running in to find food. If I had had an excuse to get out last night, I would have hit up taco bell for a meximelt for sure. I of course am glad I didn't.
My husband called this morning from work and asked if I had any plans for the day. (Normally this is where the," I am working close by want to meet up for lunch?" would come in..so I was a little worried) Instead he said, good, then just rest today. I think he's a keeper.
So, I am, I spent the morning reading and decided I needed to pamper myself a bit. My auntie bought me this face peel stuff for my birthday. It's blackberry and smells pretty good. I decided to give it a go. It says to leave on 20 min to dry and then peel off for a gentle refreshed feel. Well, I was a bit worried when it came out of the tube looking a bit like unrefined oil. But it went on smooth and had a cooling effect. I decided I was overthinking this and it would be fine.. It was weird as it dried and I couldn't move my face! Then the peeling came. I kinda feel like I had been misled a bit. I felt like I peeled away the top three layers of my face off...surely I didn't have that much crap on my face! I mean I do feel fresh and smooth, but good grief, I think you'd have to feel fresh if you took off the first two layers. I used a mild cleansing soap after to get the rest of the peel off that wouldn't come off by peeling. FYI..I got a bit on my eyebrow and didn't realize it..I think I waxed some of my eyebrow off...but it did not wax off the fine hair under my chin..I think that is crap!
Anyway, while waiting for that to dry two things happened. I had to apologize to my husband for being such a brat last night and while doing so I said something I didn't even know I was going to say...
I kinda feel like I want to cry, but I don't think it's the food, I think it's Gram. I think food is just how I usually deal with this sort of stuff and now that I don't have food, I don't know how to handle all of this all over again.
I have to say that saying that made me realize that it is the truth. I need to learn how to deal with anger and sadness with out food. I immediately got off the phone with him and called the grief counselor that hospice set me up with. (BTW-hospice is wonderful and full of amazing people who volunteer their time to help others. They offer a year of free counseling for those who have lost loved ones whether they were a hospice patient or not)
The second thing was someone commented on my blog post. She had some things to say about a comment I had sent her and was just going over somethings she had read in my blog... then she said. "I am going to steal your diet mantra" What? I had to go re-read my blog. I had forgotten I had even given myself one.. is that not ridiculous? So, I found it and wrote it down this time. I recommend re-reading your blog if you get down. It helped me to rediscover why this is all worth it and how far I have come already.
So thank you to the wonderful lady who gave me back my perspective and to my awesome husband *****fuses to give up on me or let me give up on myself. This morning I awoke to post it notes all over my house with notes ranging from..
You're doing great, I love you. Keep up the hard work.. almost there to some more private. He also told me late last night that he knows how much this means to me and that he knows how much I want to be thin and stay healthy and have a better life and I could be mad at him all I wanted for him not letting me eat but he was not going to let me sabotage this. How can you not love that man? I know I could not do this with out his support and the support of those of you are going through the same thing right now.
My husband called this morning from work and asked if I had any plans for the day. (Normally this is where the," I am working close by want to meet up for lunch?" would come in..so I was a little worried) Instead he said, good, then just rest today. I think he's a keeper.
So, I am, I spent the morning reading and decided I needed to pamper myself a bit. My auntie bought me this face peel stuff for my birthday. It's blackberry and smells pretty good. I decided to give it a go. It says to leave on 20 min to dry and then peel off for a gentle refreshed feel. Well, I was a bit worried when it came out of the tube looking a bit like unrefined oil. But it went on smooth and had a cooling effect. I decided I was overthinking this and it would be fine.. It was weird as it dried and I couldn't move my face! Then the peeling came. I kinda feel like I had been misled a bit. I felt like I peeled away the top three layers of my face off...surely I didn't have that much crap on my face! I mean I do feel fresh and smooth, but good grief, I think you'd have to feel fresh if you took off the first two layers. I used a mild cleansing soap after to get the rest of the peel off that wouldn't come off by peeling. FYI..I got a bit on my eyebrow and didn't realize it..I think I waxed some of my eyebrow off...but it did not wax off the fine hair under my chin..I think that is crap!
Anyway, while waiting for that to dry two things happened. I had to apologize to my husband for being such a brat last night and while doing so I said something I didn't even know I was going to say...
I kinda feel like I want to cry, but I don't think it's the food, I think it's Gram. I think food is just how I usually deal with this sort of stuff and now that I don't have food, I don't know how to handle all of this all over again.
I have to say that saying that made me realize that it is the truth. I need to learn how to deal with anger and sadness with out food. I immediately got off the phone with him and called the grief counselor that hospice set me up with. (BTW-hospice is wonderful and full of amazing people who volunteer their time to help others. They offer a year of free counseling for those who have lost loved ones whether they were a hospice patient or not)
The second thing was someone commented on my blog post. She had some things to say about a comment I had sent her and was just going over somethings she had read in my blog... then she said. "I am going to steal your diet mantra" What? I had to go re-read my blog. I had forgotten I had even given myself one.. is that not ridiculous? So, I found it and wrote it down this time. I recommend re-reading your blog if you get down. It helped me to rediscover why this is all worth it and how far I have come already.
So thank you to the wonderful lady who gave me back my perspective and to my awesome husband *****fuses to give up on me or let me give up on myself. This morning I awoke to post it notes all over my house with notes ranging from..
You're doing great, I love you. Keep up the hard work.. almost there to some more private. He also told me late last night that he knows how much this means to me and that he knows how much I want to be thin and stay healthy and have a better life and I could be mad at him all I wanted for him not letting me eat but he was not going to let me sabotage this. How can you not love that man? I know I could not do this with out his support and the support of those of you are going through the same thing right now.
Hey!
You know what? I've recentely come to a realization too! ... My mom was a single mom while I was growing up.. and she is also overweight, as is my sister. Often we would have kraft dinner (mac & cheese), sandwiches and pasta for dinner, staple items, cheap... no quality... but when times were good, we would eat out.. go to the restaurant.. those times my mom was happy... so I associate happy with eating, namely eating at a restaurant.. Since I have met my husband, 13 years ago, I have been the happiest I've ever been! Bought a house, got married, had 3 beautiful children, who I spoil far more than I should.. but I do! and we would eat at the restaurant... a lot... my kids come to expect it - THANK GOD, so far they all have daddy's metabolism and waistline... but I realize - I eat for every emotion! Happy, Sad, Bored, Angry, nervous.... you name it... but I always remember eating with my mom at a restaurant was always when SHE was happy... (becuase times were ok!) So... I've learned that I NEED to overhaul my mind... I need to work on my inner demons and face them straight on. Because I am GOING to rock my sleeve, there are NO if's, and's, or's about it! This is MY TIME! All the jealous people in my life that don't think I can... I will PROVE THEM WRONG... because that's WHO I AM!
Not sure this helped, but reading your post made me think of this...
Hang in there!
You know what? I've recentely come to a realization too! ... My mom was a single mom while I was growing up.. and she is also overweight, as is my sister. Often we would have kraft dinner (mac & cheese), sandwiches and pasta for dinner, staple items, cheap... no quality... but when times were good, we would eat out.. go to the restaurant.. those times my mom was happy... so I associate happy with eating, namely eating at a restaurant.. Since I have met my husband, 13 years ago, I have been the happiest I've ever been! Bought a house, got married, had 3 beautiful children, who I spoil far more than I should.. but I do! and we would eat at the restaurant... a lot... my kids come to expect it - THANK GOD, so far they all have daddy's metabolism and waistline... but I realize - I eat for every emotion! Happy, Sad, Bored, Angry, nervous.... you name it... but I always remember eating with my mom at a restaurant was always when SHE was happy... (becuase times were ok!) So... I've learned that I NEED to overhaul my mind... I need to work on my inner demons and face them straight on. Because I am GOING to rock my sleeve, there are NO if's, and's, or's about it! This is MY TIME! All the jealous people in my life that don't think I can... I will PROVE THEM WRONG... because that's WHO I AM!
Not sure this helped, but reading your post made me think of this...
Hang in there!
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