WARNING! Purely a rant..a moody, pity party rant!
Today is not a good day!!! It started out as a good day. A just fine, no big deal kinda day. Now.. I am angry at no one and everyone at the same time.
I am on day 6 of this stupid pre op liquid diet. I hate it. Day two was miserable. I was miserable. I had a headache that was awful, made me sick to my stomach, then I couldn't "eat" cause I was sick to my stomach, but not eating made that worse. I couldn't even stomach the thought of water.. I was miserable until about 3 am the next day. My week was busy.. chaotically busy. So that was kinda okay. But, I know that if I go too long in between "eating" I feel lightheaded and sick. So I try to make sure that I drink something on time and that I try to get in my water which has been a problem all week.
No, it's not all bad, I did lose 10 lbs in the past 5 days. But back to my second day. I got a phone cal,l a bad phone call from my aunt. My grandma, whom I call gram and I love more dearly than most others in my life has pancreatic cancer.. non operable pancreatic cancer. Her Dr said it will be what she dies from..we just don't know how long she has left. From early post you may remember that I just lost my dad in April. It was horrific.. I had to "watch" him die from 3 states away. I made several trips and did get to spend some time with him but I was not there when he finally passed...from Cancer..diagnosed this same time last year. My gram is just under my dad on the list of people who would devastate me if they were gone. So first my dad.. then his mom in the same year from CANCER!!!!!!!! see how this did not start out as a good week for an emotional eater??
The rest of the week went okay.. and by okay I mean I was busy and although I missed food I was much to proud of myself to give into the ten min pleasure of scarfing down ANYTHING-YAY me.
Today? What changed? It caught up to me I think. I am hungry.. head hungry, actually hungry, emotionally hungry.. just hungry. I don't want my shakes..I don't want the cream-milk consistency soup I can have.. I want to eat, something in my mouth with substance that requires me to chew it and savor it. My husband, who was being nice and cooking dinner so I didn't have too, baked a chicken.. the whole house smelled of it. That was the last straw. I have locked myself in my room feeling sorry for myself and being angry at nothing and everything!!
Why can I not have the low fat baked chicken, broccoli and cottage cheese? The healthy and oh so yummy smelling food the rest of my family was eating? I mean come on, this whole thing is about eating healthy, better, and I can't have any? It's complete and total BS. I hear all the time of people who were allowed to have shakes and one healthy meal and their surgeries went fine. I know this makes my liver smaller and therefore surgery easier and recovery better and if I can't do this now I won't do it then..blah. blah, blah.. I know all of that and I am sure tomorrow I will wake up in a better mind frame and happy that my husband did not let me have that one small wing I was begging him for..but for tonight, I am hiding in my room, mourning my dad, the ideas of losing my gram...and food!
I am on day 6 of this stupid pre op liquid diet. I hate it. Day two was miserable. I was miserable. I had a headache that was awful, made me sick to my stomach, then I couldn't "eat" cause I was sick to my stomach, but not eating made that worse. I couldn't even stomach the thought of water.. I was miserable until about 3 am the next day. My week was busy.. chaotically busy. So that was kinda okay. But, I know that if I go too long in between "eating" I feel lightheaded and sick. So I try to make sure that I drink something on time and that I try to get in my water which has been a problem all week.
No, it's not all bad, I did lose 10 lbs in the past 5 days. But back to my second day. I got a phone cal,l a bad phone call from my aunt. My grandma, whom I call gram and I love more dearly than most others in my life has pancreatic cancer.. non operable pancreatic cancer. Her Dr said it will be what she dies from..we just don't know how long she has left. From early post you may remember that I just lost my dad in April. It was horrific.. I had to "watch" him die from 3 states away. I made several trips and did get to spend some time with him but I was not there when he finally passed...from Cancer..diagnosed this same time last year. My gram is just under my dad on the list of people who would devastate me if they were gone. So first my dad.. then his mom in the same year from CANCER!!!!!!!! see how this did not start out as a good week for an emotional eater??
The rest of the week went okay.. and by okay I mean I was busy and although I missed food I was much to proud of myself to give into the ten min pleasure of scarfing down ANYTHING-YAY me.
Today? What changed? It caught up to me I think. I am hungry.. head hungry, actually hungry, emotionally hungry.. just hungry. I don't want my shakes..I don't want the cream-milk consistency soup I can have.. I want to eat, something in my mouth with substance that requires me to chew it and savor it. My husband, who was being nice and cooking dinner so I didn't have too, baked a chicken.. the whole house smelled of it. That was the last straw. I have locked myself in my room feeling sorry for myself and being angry at nothing and everything!!
Why can I not have the low fat baked chicken, broccoli and cottage cheese? The healthy and oh so yummy smelling food the rest of my family was eating? I mean come on, this whole thing is about eating healthy, better, and I can't have any? It's complete and total BS. I hear all the time of people who were allowed to have shakes and one healthy meal and their surgeries went fine. I know this makes my liver smaller and therefore surgery easier and recovery better and if I can't do this now I won't do it then..blah. blah, blah.. I know all of that and I am sure tomorrow I will wake up in a better mind frame and happy that my husband did not let me have that one small wing I was begging him for..but for tonight, I am hiding in my room, mourning my dad, the ideas of losing my gram...and food!
It is a big mourning process you have to go through. Its like losing your best friend. Because Food is our best friend. It only gets worse. The one thing that helped me was after the surgery I was so scared to put a bite in my mouth. Scared I would eat something to mess up the surgery. That is what helped me the most. Knowing I could really hurt myself by eating something. After the first few weeks on the liquids after surgery things got better. Its a mind game. I did cheat a couple times on my liquid pre op diet. I admit it. But the last week I made sure to do just liquids. Its better to cheat before surgery than to do it after surgery because you are at risk of hurting yourself badly.
I am sorry to hear about your Gram and your Dad. I lost my Mom in March of this year. Emotionally I want to eat everything in sight because I miss my Mom so much. I thank God I went through the surgery because I know if I didn't have it after losing Mama I would be twice as big as I was. I reached my goal TODAY lost 100lbs I never in a million years would of thought I could lose 100 lbs. It has been 9 1/2 months since my surgery and it feels like it was yesterday. Time flew by and your liquid diet will fly by and before you know it, you will be SKINNY! and most importantly you will feel good and be healthy. Trust in the Lord to get you through this.
I am sorry to hear about your Gram and your Dad. I lost my Mom in March of this year. Emotionally I want to eat everything in sight because I miss my Mom so much. I thank God I went through the surgery because I know if I didn't have it after losing Mama I would be twice as big as I was. I reached my goal TODAY lost 100lbs I never in a million years would of thought I could lose 100 lbs. It has been 9 1/2 months since my surgery and it feels like it was yesterday. Time flew by and your liquid diet will fly by and before you know it, you will be SKINNY! and most importantly you will feel good and be healthy. Trust in the Lord to get you through this.
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