When I look in the mirror, I see...
a fat girl... 
I am not thin. I haven't lost as much as I think I should have and I'm the only one to blame. I started out way heavy so I never really had high expectations of being at a healthy weight. I've never been thin and I couldn't even imagine ever being that way.
And now, a year later, I'm still not thin and in my heart, I don't think I ever will be. Just being honest...I try to put on a happy face, but nothing happy is happening here.
Why I'm to blame...I have gotten back into bad habits. I feel I overeat at almost every meal. I snack between meals and not always on the healthy options. I'm not getting all my water in or my vitamins all the time. My exercise routine is pretty much non-existant. I'm just totally screwing up this gift I've been given.
Sorry to be such a downer. We should be celebrating our anniversaries, but I was just majorly disappointed on my day.
If we want to get down to the nitty gritty of it, I don't think I deserve this and I think I've sabotaged myself.
Oh gosh, I just remembered that I missed my 1 year appt with my doctor and I haven't rescheduled yet. There's just another X on my record.
Total screw-up here...
Just to clarify, I'm not looking for sympathy...maybe inspiration and advice.
I just checked out your profile, and I don't see a fat girl - I see someone who from Mar '09 to Mar '10 looks like she lost about 10 years and is glowing with health! :)
You hit the nail on the head with "I'm not thin and don't think I ever will be" and "I don't think I deserve this" ... Maybe you won't ever be "thin", but you are already much healthier than you were a year ago, and if you don't feel like you deserve to be healthy then it's time to work that out, hopefully with a professional! Try to remember that you had the surgery because deep down inside you DO believe you deserve this, and you've done an amazing job so far of working toward that! We all have our bad days/weeks/periods where we don't live up to the model post-op standard, but instead of letting that completely derail you, just let it go and decide to change what you can when you can!
Could you be more consistent? Sure... Could you be making better choices? Yep... so those are great first steps to getting back down to the basics and on track. I think the fact that you posted is a smart first step - you can be sure that you're speaking for many of us who are struggling with the same feelings and challenges! I was feeling pretty down on myself a few months ago and went back for a couple of appointments with the psychologist who did my psych eval before surgery ... I discovered much to my surprise that I somehow had it in my head that I wasn't a "success" if I hadn't lost everything by my 1 year surgiversary! Who told me that? Um, no one - just that little voice inside! Quite to the contrary - at my 1 year checkup my surgeon told me that even if I didn't lose another pound I'm considered a success, and he's right!
You've had such a positive attitude throughout this year that I really hope you're just having a rough patch! I'm sure those two gorgeous girls are loving having a mom with more energy - and here's a chance to show them how to keep going when it gets rough!
I'm one of the July'ers who has been with y'all throughout this journey every day, but never felt compelled to post - until now! We really are all in this together and I hope that you remember you're not alone!
Good luck!
You hit the nail on the head with "I'm not thin and don't think I ever will be" and "I don't think I deserve this" ... Maybe you won't ever be "thin", but you are already much healthier than you were a year ago, and if you don't feel like you deserve to be healthy then it's time to work that out, hopefully with a professional! Try to remember that you had the surgery because deep down inside you DO believe you deserve this, and you've done an amazing job so far of working toward that! We all have our bad days/weeks/periods where we don't live up to the model post-op standard, but instead of letting that completely derail you, just let it go and decide to change what you can when you can!
Could you be more consistent? Sure... Could you be making better choices? Yep... so those are great first steps to getting back down to the basics and on track. I think the fact that you posted is a smart first step - you can be sure that you're speaking for many of us who are struggling with the same feelings and challenges! I was feeling pretty down on myself a few months ago and went back for a couple of appointments with the psychologist who did my psych eval before surgery ... I discovered much to my surprise that I somehow had it in my head that I wasn't a "success" if I hadn't lost everything by my 1 year surgiversary! Who told me that? Um, no one - just that little voice inside! Quite to the contrary - at my 1 year checkup my surgeon told me that even if I didn't lose another pound I'm considered a success, and he's right!
You've had such a positive attitude throughout this year that I really hope you're just having a rough patch! I'm sure those two gorgeous girls are loving having a mom with more energy - and here's a chance to show them how to keep going when it gets rough!
I'm one of the July'ers who has been with y'all throughout this journey every day, but never felt compelled to post - until now! We really are all in this together and I hope that you remember you're not alone!
Good luck!
Thank you ChiSue!!! You gave me a lot to think about and I'm so happy you posted. I wi**** was for a happier reason, but nevertheless, you're gonna have to post more now!
I think I was putting off my dr. appt because I was ashamed, but you made me realize that I'm a success. I've lost a lot of weight, not a total failure. So I'm calling in the morning to my PCP and my surgeon to make appts. Heck, I might as well call the gyn and make an appt too!
Thanks again. I was at a low point the other day and thanks for pulling me up!
I think I was putting off my dr. appt because I was ashamed, but you made me realize that I'm a success. I've lost a lot of weight, not a total failure. So I'm calling in the morning to my PCP and my surgeon to make appts. Heck, I might as well call the gyn and make an appt too!
Thanks again. I was at a low point the other day and thanks for pulling me up!
Oh honey I wish you could see that this fight isn't over! We will be taking on this challenge forever! This surgery was a stepping stone of sorts. It allowed us to take a sort of short cut past many of those breaking points we have all hit for so long that we let defeat us before we really got started.
You have all the information and the tools to make this continue to work for you. I would start with seeing your psych doc again it sounds like you have some demons you need to deal with before you will be able to accept that you ARE capable of making this work for you.
You should also see your Surgeon, nutritionist and excersice specialist if they offer it. Many of the surgeons out there realize that most of thier patients didn't just become obese over night and many of them will still struggle for the rest of thier lives and they provide services to help post opers get back on track when they start to slide back into old habits.
I have been extremely lucky and have had no complications and have lost almost all the weight I've wanted to. However, I havn't worked out since the snow fell last year, and I eat all kinds of crap like funyunns(sp****cream, and candybars.........I havn't really lost anything for the last 4 months and I know what I have to do if I want to continue to lose.......I'm just choosing not to.....I will see my surgeon for the first time in 11 months next Wed. and have my weigh in with labs, and body mass analysis done......they will find I have little to no muscle mass and my labs will be way out of wack because I havn't been taking my supplements either.....You are not alone Huggs......we ALL make the wrong decisions.....we just have to get to a point where we start to choose to make the right ones.......
You have all the information and the tools to make this continue to work for you. I would start with seeing your psych doc again it sounds like you have some demons you need to deal with before you will be able to accept that you ARE capable of making this work for you.
You should also see your Surgeon, nutritionist and excersice specialist if they offer it. Many of the surgeons out there realize that most of thier patients didn't just become obese over night and many of them will still struggle for the rest of thier lives and they provide services to help post opers get back on track when they start to slide back into old habits.
I have been extremely lucky and have had no complications and have lost almost all the weight I've wanted to. However, I havn't worked out since the snow fell last year, and I eat all kinds of crap like funyunns(sp****cream, and candybars.........I havn't really lost anything for the last 4 months and I know what I have to do if I want to continue to lose.......I'm just choosing not to.....I will see my surgeon for the first time in 11 months next Wed. and have my weigh in with labs, and body mass analysis done......they will find I have little to no muscle mass and my labs will be way out of wack because I havn't been taking my supplements either.....You are not alone Huggs......we ALL make the wrong decisions.....we just have to get to a point where we start to choose to make the right ones.......
HEATHERJoin us on the Lightweights Board
Ask me about our Facebook Chat Group: OH WLS-Lightweights
36 years old 5'7" HW 256 / SW 240 / CW 145 / GW 140
OH my dear friend.... I could have written this myself! YOU ARE NOT ALONE.....
what great responses from these two terrific gals!
WE DO DESERVE THIS! a missed doctor appt and not choosing to eat according to plan does not make us TOTAL FAILURES!!!
It just means we've begun to use food as a reward again... and need to get back on track. I want to eat like a "NORMAL" person. but a small treat here & there has led to another small treat & another. I don't dump so I've been having tons of watermelon, bing cherries by the bucket load (ok not all at once) some ice cream (small size... but not BABY cone... and a note on this...I really only need to have a BABY size to satisfy me.... once i get past that I don't taste it anymore... so its pointless calories-DUMB)
I've also been hooked on a certain candy bar. they are LIMITED Edition twix that I have to HUNT for. so when i see them I pick up 3 packages telling my self 1 half at a time... but then i eat both pieces.
these are not good behaviors for continued weight maintance let alone continued weight loss. I KNOW THAT! so WHY am I DOING IT?
... we've heard it before... THIS ISN'T BRAIN SURGERY...
Although I'm some where around a SMALL 4-6 to 8-10 depending on the clothes.... I FEEL like i LOOK FAT! perhaps because when naked... i see all that skin... and I try to imagine how I would have looked if I had never gotten MO!!! well I did get MO... and now I'm in high normal.... and it scares me!
We are not failures.... we just need to get back on track....
Will you join me in our effort to get to goal? if you wish we could become ACCOUNTABILITY Partners... PM me....
WE WILL MAKE IT!
besides WE ARE ALREADY WINNERS!
Just think how much healthier we are THIS YEAR!!!!
what great responses from these two terrific gals!
WE DO DESERVE THIS! a missed doctor appt and not choosing to eat according to plan does not make us TOTAL FAILURES!!!
It just means we've begun to use food as a reward again... and need to get back on track. I want to eat like a "NORMAL" person. but a small treat here & there has led to another small treat & another. I don't dump so I've been having tons of watermelon, bing cherries by the bucket load (ok not all at once) some ice cream (small size... but not BABY cone... and a note on this...I really only need to have a BABY size to satisfy me.... once i get past that I don't taste it anymore... so its pointless calories-DUMB)
I've also been hooked on a certain candy bar. they are LIMITED Edition twix that I have to HUNT for. so when i see them I pick up 3 packages telling my self 1 half at a time... but then i eat both pieces.
these are not good behaviors for continued weight maintance let alone continued weight loss. I KNOW THAT! so WHY am I DOING IT?
... we've heard it before... THIS ISN'T BRAIN SURGERY...
Although I'm some where around a SMALL 4-6 to 8-10 depending on the clothes.... I FEEL like i LOOK FAT! perhaps because when naked... i see all that skin... and I try to imagine how I would have looked if I had never gotten MO!!! well I did get MO... and now I'm in high normal.... and it scares me!
We are not failures.... we just need to get back on track....
Will you join me in our effort to get to goal? if you wish we could become ACCOUNTABILITY Partners... PM me....
WE WILL MAKE IT!
besides WE ARE ALREADY WINNERS!
Just think how much healthier we are THIS YEAR!!!!
MS. HUGGS..
I have nothing but LUV for you.. but I cant take away what you feel... but if I could take all away and carry your hurt I would.... but regardless of the fact... its not only about the amount of weight we lose.. we regained the most important thing back OUR LIFE... if we never lose another pound.. we have to always remember that without this surgery we would be 100, 75, 80, or even 200 lbs heavier and probably would be leaving this world before our time.. I'm 5'7 and m/l frame.. even at 190lbs I still see this 380lb person.. what we need to realize that what we see in the mirror is not necessary the real view.. its the minds deploy.. on what we feel deep down in our soul.. so we have to change the mind.. in order to not go back to the way we were.. we have to fight for what we have received a GIFT.. you are awesome Lady and I Don't SEE A FAT GIRL NO WHERE.. but i do believe that support is something we all need .. I started going to Weight watchers..it helps me more than going to a Obesity support group.. because it helps me to see over an overall day.. how many calories.. portion.. and no snacking is not a CRIME... and also see what lead me to the point of why I needed surgery in the first place.. check out the web.. and get into a class.. because I can only talk what I feel.. and I still fight the same demons.. but we will fight together..
LUV & HUGS
I have nothing but LUV for you.. but I cant take away what you feel... but if I could take all away and carry your hurt I would
.... but regardless of the fact... its not only about the amount of weight we lose.. we regained the most important thing back OUR LIFE... if we never lose another pound.. we have to always remember that without this surgery we would be 100, 75, 80, or even 200 lbs heavier and probably would be leaving this world before our time.. I'm 5'7 and m/l frame.. even at 190lbs I still see this 380lb person.. what we need to realize that what we see in the mirror is not necessary the real view.. its the minds deploy.. on what we feel deep down in our soul.. so we have to change the mind.. in order to not go back to the way we were.. we have to fight for what we have received a GIFT.. you are awesome Lady and I Don't SEE A FAT GIRL NO WHERE.. but i do believe that support is something we all need .. I started going to Weight watchers..it helps me more than going to a Obesity support group.. because it helps me to see over an overall day.. how many calories.. portion.. and no snacking is not a CRIME... and also see what lead me to the point of why I needed surgery in the first place.. check out the web.. and get into a class.. because I can only talk what I feel.. and I still fight the same demons.. but we will fight together..LUV & HUGS
Lisa 
Oh Sweetie! BREATHE! You are not alone in this journey. I wish I could reach over the internet and give you a big hug. I have a lady in my office who had surgery in March and she now weighs less than I do. I remind myself I outweighed her by 50 or more pounds, but I am always comparing myself to her!
I'm not where I wanted to be a year out either. I've even changed my goal. I'm not getting much exercise, but when I look back at my health...when I compare picture to picture...I'D DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN! I hope you save a pair of pants from the beginning...get them back out! You look so wonderful! I've never been thin either..don't know what that even is, but I'm the same size or smaller than I was when I graduated from high school and have never been this small since I was married! I'm 5'4"....rounded up, so I am vertically challenged.
We are all individuals. We all had different issues going into this. We all have different bodies, different results, different ages (some of us don't bounce back as fast...or at all). We can't fall in the trap of comparing ourselves or our results to others.
I'm not telling you that what you are doing is ok, but I'm telling you that you are still OK. I think all of us have gotten comfortable with our new selfs. It is much easier to pick back up some of those bad habits. Just think how long we had them!
You still have a wonderful tool. You can still use it. Start back with the basics when you are ready. We are here for you! Journal your food.
Hang in there sweetie and don't give up. Let me know if I can help.
HUGS!
I'm not where I wanted to be a year out either. I've even changed my goal. I'm not getting much exercise, but when I look back at my health...when I compare picture to picture...I'D DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN! I hope you save a pair of pants from the beginning...get them back out! You look so wonderful! I've never been thin either..don't know what that even is, but I'm the same size or smaller than I was when I graduated from high school and have never been this small since I was married! I'm 5'4"....rounded up, so I am vertically challenged.
We are all individuals. We all had different issues going into this. We all have different bodies, different results, different ages (some of us don't bounce back as fast...or at all). We can't fall in the trap of comparing ourselves or our results to others.
I'm not telling you that what you are doing is ok, but I'm telling you that you are still OK. I think all of us have gotten comfortable with our new selfs. It is much easier to pick back up some of those bad habits. Just think how long we had them!
You still have a wonderful tool. You can still use it. Start back with the basics when you are ready. We are here for you! Journal your food.
Hang in there sweetie and don't give up. Let me know if I can help.
HUGS!
Julie
Wow! Thank you everyone for your great words of wisdom! I knew I was posting to the right spot. You have never let me down!
I was in a very low spot the other night. I've been real down on myself for a while now. I didn't even get on the scale on my 1 yr anniversary to see my progress. Oh well, probably for the best not to get on it anyway.
I see that this will be a lifetime struggle and we may go through rough patches, but it's very important for us to pick ourselves up and continue on.
I've been working on the food issues and have been getting on the treadmill. With the mental issues, well, not sure what to do yet but I'm calling tomorrow to make appts with my doctor. I'm gonna lay it all out on the table and I'm sure he's not going to be happy but we'll get through it.
Thank you again to everyone for your wise words! This really is the best bunch of friends.
I was in a very low spot the other night. I've been real down on myself for a while now. I didn't even get on the scale on my 1 yr anniversary to see my progress. Oh well, probably for the best not to get on it anyway.
I see that this will be a lifetime struggle and we may go through rough patches, but it's very important for us to pick ourselves up and continue on.
I've been working on the food issues and have been getting on the treadmill. With the mental issues, well, not sure what to do yet but I'm calling tomorrow to make appts with my doctor. I'm gonna lay it all out on the table and I'm sure he's not going to be happy but we'll get through it.
Thank you again to everyone for your wise words! This really is the best bunch of friends.
GOOD FOR YOU! I doubt your surgeon will be unhappy with you! I think many forget that a successful surgery is one where the individual loses more than 40% of thier EXCESS weight! That is different for each of us! I think your surgeon will be encouraging and provide you with all the assistance you need to get yourself back on track! There is one thing about Dr's......they will always help those that WANT to be helped! You are brave and couragous Huggs.......Fight for what you want......only you can make this happen and have the outcome you want!
HEATHERJoin us on the Lightweights Board
Ask me about our Facebook Chat Group: OH WLS-Lightweights
36 years old 5'7" HW 256 / SW 240 / CW 145 / GW 140
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