Rant

Sorry about the rambling I'm about to do, but I don't feel I have anywhere else to do this. I am doing way to much "emotional" eating lately and just haven't been following the program. I feel like I'm hanging on the the good things by a thread and the negative are catching up. Part of it is that this last week (april 29) would have been my mom's 85 birthday. I just can't stop thinking about her and how worried she always was about my weight. WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS 6 years ago???? I'm also feeling overwhelmed by other parts of life right now. Job, relationships (or lack there of..more on that later), finances, home repairs, trying to sell my house and it's a mess, I don't know what I want from life at this point, I feel rudderless. In so many ways I thought being thinner would be the ultimate solution but I just feel so empty. I stopped working out about 4 weeks ago and just can't get motivated to get back to it. With all the weight I've lost I'm tired of people asking me if I'm ok. Reading what I've written so far, I'm not even comfortable about how often I've used the word I. It is just all feels so overwhelming. It seems like it is the little things that are eating away at me, an example of this happened this last weekend. I went to a WLS conference near where I live. At the conference I attended a meeting just for men. The meeting was led by Bo McCoy from Ob Help. After listening to some of the comments from the men in the meeting I feel like I am the only guy in the world post op that hasn't seen a significant improvement in there social life. The conference had a dance both nights which I avoided because I still feel like the awkward fat guy that dosn't dance. When I was heavy I only danced when I had alot I mean alot to drink. Now that I had surgery I have sworn off alcohol. I did start dating a woman a few weeks ago but I'm skeptical about it. She is my age, has 3 kids (10-15), and her divorce won't be final for another 1-2 months (she has been seperated for quite some time) and I am the 1st person she has dated. So I figure I am probably just the rebound guy. I don't what to think about any of these things anymore it is overwhelming and confusing. When I was fat I always just wrote most of these things off, now I don't have that as an excuse anymore I don't know what to think. I'm not posting any of this to get advice or anything, I just needed to verbalize some of what I'm feeling because so many of these feelings are not the kind of things I feel comfortable sharing with people in person. As whimpy as it sounds for a 42 year old man to say, I miss my mom. Well I'm going to go to bed now and try and get a decent nights sleep (which I havent had in a week) thanks for listening, I hope and pray you are all doing well.

Okay babe......First of all: Don't ever apologize for ranting, venting, gushing, rambling or otherwise on this board. We are here first and foremost to lend support! You said that you weren't looking for advice......so I won't di**** out. I'm probably not in the position to give it anyway. Can I give you a big ol' busty ****o) hug though? ((((((Peter)))))) It sounds like you've got a bunch of "stuff" that ha**** you all at once. There is NOTHING wrong with missing your mom!! Loved ones are loved forever and it's not "wimpy" to feel a void when they are gone. It sounds like you think less of yourself than you deserve......you are using VERY emotional words in your post.....overwhelmed, empty, rudderless, wimpy, awkward, fat................and then you described yourself as: "So I figure I am probably just the rebound guy." What's with all of this self-doubt mister? You are a great guy and deserve great things in your life. You're handsome, funny, kind and smart......you just don't know it yet!!! I think many of us hoped that losing the fat would "solve" many problems in our lives, but it tends to just strip away the protective coating that we have grown accustomed to and leaves us raw and maybe a little unsatisfied. I think you sound a little depressed and could benefit from an anti-depressant.....sorry, I know you said "no advice", but I think an appt with your Dr. is in order here. Oh GREAT!!! Now I'm all concerned about you!!! I guess that's what happens when you care for someone....and I care about you babe! We love you Peter!!! I can't wait to meet you!! Hang in there sweetie.....there's no where to go but up! Loves, C

Thanks for listening! I know it will be ok, as you all know it just seems so overwhelming sometimes. I'm going away for the weekend. Hopefully things will be better on Monday. Later, Pete

Dude I thought all the weight loss would wow my world. My life I think has got more complex. Everyone tells me how good I look. Well I am like you I still feel like the fat woman with a pretty face. God I hate when people would tell me that. I am still at home every night. I like my weekends off work but sometime I think I would rather be at work than home wondering why no man want ask me out. I don't think I am all that ugly or all that pretty. All my life is............ is just working trying to live........ God bless you and all the best of luck to you. And I am 41 years old and wish I had done this when I was in my 20,s...........................but anywhoooooooooooo....... Later dude AMy

Sorry, but you need advice now. You are depressed and you need to take action. I'd recommend reading "Feeling Good" by Burns. It's an insightful read chocked full of exercises and strategies for understanding your depression and providing tools to move you out of it. Cs right: an antidepressant may well help. Our chemistry has changed in revolutionary ways. Still, post-op depression is a given for many folks and my admittedly cursory reading indicates that it is a real for many wls folks. I can tell you that in my case, I haven't suffered depression since rny and I attribute that to a super shrink and a daily dose of my good friend, Miss Wellbutrin. Back in the early 90s, I had an opportunity to join a "group" of primarily women and gained an appreciation of struggles women in the group were undergoing. I was able to acquire better tools when it comes to relating specifically to women. I'm a better man. Again take action. Dave

Peter: I can understand what you mean when you write of the "I" factor.. It's all about us now isn't it? And that can get a bit overwhelming. I to cannot stand how everything centers around my weightloss sometimes.. sometimes I love it and sometimes well.. it''s just to much to handle. You need to know this; that you are not alone in your feelings, your Mom was and is and will remain a central part of your life. I lost my Mom 4 years ago and I miss her more everyday. I understand that completly. But, it does sound like you need more than 'mens support' groups right now. Individual conseuling or some kind of therepy might be in order. Even a group setting like Dave reccomends might be the way to go.. Don't let all these feeling fester and resort to emotional eating.. you have come to far to put all your twinkies back in one hat!.. I'm so glad that you have the confidance to confide your feelings to us here, we are all this together and will walk with you every step of the way. Sending you much love.. peace baby Mo

Peter I truly do understand where you are coming from. But remember you have many wonderful friends on the board that really do care alot about you. Yes imo it is very normal to miss your mom. Seeing how she was the one who carried you for nine months and loved you and told you all of life lesson. Yes you may even miss her more around this time seeing how next weekend is the day we honor our mom's. Please take avery good look at yourself in the mirror and. Tell your self that you have done a wonderful job on your new life. That you are now in charge of your life no matter what happens. Let the little evil demons find some one else to go and brother sand make them leave you alone. What I mean please do not go bad to stress eating because you have come way to far to let them back into your life. I hate talking about myself. But I am doing it this one time to . Try and explain my point for this reply. before My surgery as some may know I did not passed my first eval for surgery. So I meet a very good social worker who explain the way life was going to be after surgery. He explain that there would be times in our new life where . We would feel depressed and all alone. And that we would get the feeling no one understood us and even at time we would not understand ourself. I laughed and told him I would not be one of his pt that would go thur it. `Well trust me I was at that stage when I lost my first 50 pounds. I felt like no one cared but . Thought to myself how could they cared when I did not even know what I was going thur and had no feeling but felt lost all of the time. So yes I called my social worker and talked with him and he asked why I gained that fifty . I explained that fifty pounds went on when I lost a close friend and I used food as my comfort zone. Yes he helped me thur my feeling and asked me if I would be feeling that way on my next fifty pounds. I told him no I did not feel I would. While I am so wrong and need to call on monday seeing how those nasty feeling are coming back.. To the fact I lost ababy six years ago and again during that time I used food as my comfort zone. And haveing those little demons in my head telling me that I am fat, and that no one cares, and feeling lost and along and no matter whatno one would care. But what I am findingthat is working for me is my relaxation tapes. and finding that walking 8 miles a day is helping my feeling to come to the surface. So yes we do not think the emotional roller coaster will struck us but it does. But remember one thing that you have friend you can talk to and we all do care. And trust me if we all lived by you Peter we would be on your door step wanting to take you out taichi

Peter sweetheart, we all love you SO MUCH. I can give you a sob story about my grandma - I lost her a few years ago and wonder sometimes how she would have reacted to all this change in MY life. But - knowing her - she would have been the stubborn, fiesty, sweet woman she was and STILL try and feed me every time I saw her --- and then probably ask why the hell I was feeding my poor husband and sons the healthy crap I do today! Anyhoo, I am confident that I will see her again one day and enjoy her company and TELL HER how much she meant to me.... Now, let's talk about you - The funny thing that has happened with this weight loss is this: we are so much more INVOLVED in our lives than we ever were. Overwhelming? Hell yes. BEFORE: I used to not care, sleep it off, eat it away, whatever - but now... here we are - full focus and alive again and forced to deal with all the little crap that surrounds us. Just take it one day at a time, my friend. Take it in little tasks and deal with it.... it's good for our souls - and accomplishing even the most minor thing becomes beneficial. I KNOW you relaize that - don't let things eat at you. The house looks like crap? OK. Go clean up for a couple hours tomorrow. Make alist of at least 2 or 3 things you HAVE to finish every day. Your relationships suck? (Or lack thereof?) OK Go do something positive - go to the library, or church or the grocery store and talk to women.... You MAY just find someone. Nothing wrong in trying... you're just talking anyhoo, right? And frankly sweetheart, if you DIDN'T miss your Mom, I would be worried about you. Mothers especially so affect who we are - it's impossible to be removed and not think of them when they pass. Take a day and take a deep breath and always remember - TOMORROW is another opportunity. LOVE YOU MUCH, NAN

You are right, my mind knows that, it's just hard to make happen. I'm going to step away from things for the weekend and go out of town. Thanks to you and everyone on this board for showing how much they care. It helps! Later, Peter

Peter, No advice, no speculation, just another "we care" message -- because we do. I agree with Channan, Nan and Mo and the other posters. Take care of yourself. More hugs coming your way ---> {{{{{hug}}}}} -Pam