Anger

Hello All, This is my first time posting to this board, I'll try not to be too long winded. First off, this has not been a smooth ride for me, I had serious complications; complete intestinal blockage needing another surgery, problems with dehydration, a blood infection due to the PIC line used for IV nutrition, etc. I spent a number of weeks in the hospital, three different admissions. I'm not wanting to boar you with the details, just trying to paint a bit of a picture. My reason for the post is this, I am angry. And I don't know what to do about it. Angry at the hospital and my surgeon. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I finally admitted this to myself. Took me a while to even let myself feel this. I kept telling myself that I knew all the risks, and I did, before I signed up for this. It has not been all bad, and I'm at the point where I can appreciate the weight loss. Stated this journey at 305 and today I'm at 220. I have changed my wardrobe twice over now. People are saying that I look good and I have to agree with them. BUT... I have been denied the one thing I really wanted. Energy. I have none. Less than before. I feel weak. I know I'm not the model patient, I have not been good about the protein, I can't seem to get in nearly enough water, I haven't made any attempts to stick to an exercise plan, and the vitamins make me ill. I know all of the things I should be doing. I should say that my mind knows all of the things I should be doing, but my body won't agree. And I thinks it's because I'm angry. Like many of you I'm sure, I know I have sabotaged my own weight loss attempts in the past and I fear that I'm doing it again. Maybe I want to punish him, my surgeon, buy not being another success story. You know, like hurt his stats. For not believing me when I told him there was something wrong, for him telling me it must be that I was taking too many pain meds, and for telling me I needed to walk it out like a muscle cramp. I just started to own the emotion I have recently recognized as consuming the past five months of my life. Could it be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that makes me hurt whenever I try to drink the protein? I was told to "push the fluids at any cost" but I was pushing against a complete blockage, 150 cm of fluid backup. I think that is what is causing my inability to take in enough water or protein, the body memory of the blockage. Gosh, I'm sorry for just dumping all this in this post. Can anyone relate to this?

Amanda, Welcome to our board!!! I think maybe you should consider changing your dr so that you don't have to feel the anger every time that you go in for an appt. I know that this wont change anything that had happened to you, but maybe you will "be heard" should something else go wrong. You shouldn't continue seeing a dr that makes you feel uncomfortable. I am really sorry that you have had so many complications. I'm glad that you made it through all of them. C Leigh

Hi Amanda! I am so sorry you've been through so much. Lately, we've all felt a little down and we all understand what each other is going through as far as surgery goes. We are glad you are here, and hope to be able to support you emotionally. I agree with Channon, that you should change Docs. This is your health, and you need to trust whoever takes care of you healthwise. I do think that everything you have been through may be affecting your ability to get in your nutrients and take care of yourself correctly. I will not say "suck it up" and just do it. What I will say is please talk to someone. You have been through so much. We all need someone to talk to when faced with such turmoil. I hope things get better for you!

i want to say it's okay to be angry, you have a right to be angry. BUT you don't need to hurt yourself or punish yourself. i'm no professional and don't want to presume to tell you what to do but i just wanted to tell you i'd be angry too and being angry is okay as long as you don't use it to hurt yourself further. Congratulations on the weight loss, that's a tremendous success and the fact that you're looking for help shows you're on the right path. Good luck to you.

OK, first off, please let me apologize for the emotional rant in the original post. I should not be let near a computer when I am feeling so emotional! I do appreciate the replies and am planning to change Dr.s. I tend to try to over analyze myself and my situation (most of the time without much success). I just don't understand my own psyche. I DO want to be a success, I DO want to do everything I can to overcome these obstacles and deal with the complications, and I DO want to have a better attitude than I have had lately. With that being said, why can't I seem to effect any change, physically or emotionally??? I am so tired of being tired! OK, I'm doing it again. Sheesh, when will I stop being this emotional? ~A

Amanda, I'm so sorry you had so many problems! This is definately not an easy choice is it? I'm glad to see that you are doing better physically now! It is very normal to have all of the emotions you are having. It could be PTSD. It is also a known fact that when you lose alot of weight like this, your hormones go a little nuts - so I know that isn't help you at all either. You just hang in there, confront your feelings, and seek a counselor if you feel you need it. The fact that you are claiming these emotions is a step in the right direction. Lean on us, we'll be here for you! I'll be praying for you. HUGS Kimberly

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for the problems that you have had. This is weird but I'm from Des Moines also and had surgery at the same hospital but Dr. Smolik did my surgery. I had mine done July 12th. I know how the nurses can be there. They are not always that nice. They are very pushy. I hope you find a new doctor if you decide to change doctors. I know there is a new doctor going to Metodist who was in Grinnell before. I have heard good things about him. But then again I have heard good things about Dr. Callahan also. 2 friends on mine had surgery with him.So you never know. Feel free to e-mail me anytime if you need to talk. By the way you are doing great on the weight loss. Keep up the good work!! Also good luck with RAGBRAI I would love to go on that ride one year. It sounds like so much fun!! Melissa 337/203/170 3 more to pounds go to be in underland

Melissa ~ Thanks for your reply. I'm so glad you didn't have any problems after surgery. I have heard from a number of people that are doing great that had surgery at their office. Dr. Cahalan did change his tune after the blockage was discovered. I think I was labeled as the "bad patient" at their office due to being so stressed during the approval process. It felt like they would say "here she comes again" when I would walk into their office. That was why I don't think I was taken seriously when I was insistent there was something way wrong. I realize now that I still don't feel validated and still don't feel heard. At the same time, I don't have the energy to confront them and tell them how I feel. So, I am avoiding going back in to the office. I guess that's a choice I'm making. Would you be willing to get together sometime, walk around the lake or get coffee? The support group times don't fit into my schedule and I'd love someone local to talk to. Thanks!

Thank you all for your well wishes and offers of support. I really appreciate it.

Hi Amanda, So sorry to hear about all your complications. I noticed that you said that you were avoiding going back to your surgeons office and I don't blame you there, but I hope you are going to be following up with another surgeon. I would also suggest that you get in to see a psychologist to help you get over your anger issues and your problems with protein intake. You've really got a psychological block going on with the protein which is totally understandable considering how sick it would make you feel with a blockage going on. You really need the protein for your health though so you definately need to seek out some professional help to get you through this right away. Good luck and keep us updated... I for one am worried about you!! ~Sue