I want to be fat again!!! 2-part

Part 1) I want to be fat again for about 1 whole minute so that I can see the difference. I have a hard time seeing the weight loss. My husband thinks I'm crazy and rolls his eyes when I say that I just don't see it!! I think I was in denial about how large I really was! I thought that I "carried it well"! Who was I kidding? You just can't carry 300 pounds well, no matter who you are or what your build is like! I still can't look at my before pictures and it's been six months. They sit here in my desk everyday, but I just can't bring myself to look. I guess I'm afraid to face the reality of my pre-op size. Sorry about all of the emotional goo in this post. Part 2) I am having a hard time wanting to eat lately. Don't want to cook food, eat food, smell food or see food! What the heck is that about?!?! I get hungry....I'm not depressed....It's not physical....I don't have any pain. I am averaging about 500 calories a day and struggling to even get that in. I'm not losing and, YES I know that I need the protein and cals to lose. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I'm an exercise junkie now and i know that i can't keep pushing my body like this and not nouri**** I'm sure it's just a phase (2 weeks now), but I'd like to know if any of you have experienced this. Running on empty, C Leigh

Not the hungry part-- I am usually between 900-1000 calories now each day. I do know what you mean regarding your self perception. I look at the first picture in my profile (my sister's wedding) and I cringe. I never saw myself that heavy. I remember getting very angry and not wanted to look at any of the pictures when they were developed. In my head I was about 230 pounds, not 260. Now I have the other problem. I don't see that much of a difference in how I look recently. When I was in California over the holidays, I remember my brother-in-law waiting for me to get into his old Miata- I looked at how close it was to the wall, and said, "I can't fit in there without banging your door on the wall, pull out of the driveway." He snorted and told me to get in, and I was able to. My perception of how much room I will take up, and what clothes will fit me is soooo warped. The therapist I am seeing (specializing in all eathing disorders) said it is really important to try to get this under control. Since we had an eating disorder (obesity), without readjusting our self-perception it can go in the other direction (I don't believe anorexia is ever in my future, but evidently it happens). She's having me do visualation exercises where you imagine what your body looks like and then check the mirror and adjust. It's not working yet, but I'll keep trying! Anyway, this was rather a long-winded, rambling answer, but that's my 2 cents. Cheers! Andrea

OMGosh Andrea, I didn't think the two were related, but maybe they are! Maybe I'm not eating because, somewhere deep in my psyche, I feel like I'm not losing fast enough. That might account for the insane amount of exercize that I am doing too. Hmmmmm!!!!!!!!! You are too cute! What a typical New Yorker: A single thirty-something with a therapist and a personal trainer!!! I love it! OKAY!!....session over! How much do I owe you! Take care sweetie, C Leigh

Typical NYer (you forgot the Jewish part)! When did that happen?-- 2 years living hear and I have total capitulated my San Francisco culture. I am so I am also wearing a lot of black again.

apologies for my typo "here"

Okay my turn. I am getting in 900-1000 cals per day and I am panicing! I look at fitday.com every day and I am like, My Gosh, if I am eating this much now, what will I do in 6 months? I am having trouble with my self perception. I look in the mirror and see all this flab...and I am not exercising. I can't bring myself to get back into it. Anyway, I look in the mirror, and see myself as thinner, then I look at a picture and I see EVERY flaw! I do not like my body right now, with all the hanging belly and my boobs, let's not even go there. After all the weight we have lost, why are we still not happy? I mean, I AM happy. But not satisfied. I still have 24 pounds to lose, and it is slowing down. What if I don't lose the rest, or worse, what if I gain it back? This is ridiculous, but I am scared.

No, not ridiculous! Valid! You are really closing in on your goal now and it's natural to be concerned about the future. Sometimes I feel like a fat person who just happens to be thinner right now. It's hard to imagine that this is perminant. Many of us have expressed fear, depression and anxiety about our surgery/weight loss lately!! I hope it passes quickly! I think they call this group therapy! Ha! The Doctor is in! Have a good weekend, C Leigh

Thanks, Channon. It helps to know I am not alone. We'll be good, I know. Hey, I really want to become a runner. What keeps you motivated to go every day?

Cristi, I'm not sure what motivated me to start running. First of all: It's never too cold here to run outside. In the summer I will either buy a treadmill or go to a gym with one. It's really hard in the beginning, but the longer you can go, the farther you want to reach. When I would come home (as a fatty) I just wanted to sleep or lounge around. I was too tired for anything!! But the other day I started taking my work clothes off before I got out of the garage! My heart started beating faster just thinking about it! I immediately changed and went for a run. it feels like the first bite of your favorite dessert, or the first drag of a cigarette (so I've heard! non-smoker here). I was so addicted to Dr. Pepper that it feels like that first big gulp. This is the only way that I know how to explain it. It's just totally addicting. A healthy addiction for once in my life!! Yeah! I run every where I go now for no appearent reason. I look like a crazy person--running into the store, to get the mail, to go talk to the neighbors, whatever! I even run in heels! I'm sure I'll regret that someday! It has done wonders for the lower half of my body! It has firmed up my butt and thigh muscles, and shrunk my hips. Of course some of that is my weight loss, but I can tell the difference. You don't have to go everyday in the beginning. Try every other day to start. Start slow. Walk for 9 then run 1. When you feel comfortable with that slowly increase your run time and decrease your walk time. I live in a cul-de-sac and the first time I made it all the way around I screamed!! It really wasn't that long ago either-maybe six weeks. Now I'm at a mile and a half. Next week will be more. I'm still a very slow jogger. I have a short stride. Short legs=short stride. Oh, also...I drink about 20 oz. of water first (1/2 hour before) and I don't eat anything before I go. This way you are burning fat not the meal you just ate. Hmmmm....I think that's it. Any more questions...just drop me a line. Ashley (Ashley the spartan) is a runner too. She's much farther along than I am. I'll bet she's a wealth of information! Good luck to you, C Leigh

My cousin just had her 2 year appointment with her doc. He was talking to her about the reverse problem with this surgery. Anorexia. He said alot of people get into the psychi that anorexic people do. So I have to agree that you should probably try to get this under control. I don't think you are there, but I'm just thinking ahead. It's hard to eat when nothing sounds good. My cousin has the same problem 2 years out. She just doesn't want anything to eat. Nothing sounds good to her. I think you are doing just fine. At least you are aware of what's going on, and know that you need to get a handle on it. You hang in there, and know that you are not alone. So many of us are going through the same type thing right now. I applaud your excersise. I wish I could bring myself to do it! HUGS Kimberly