Is My Eating OUT OF CONTROL?

Hi All, The last time I checked I was 42 lbs down, and surgery was 7/27 this is truly by the grace of Allah (God). I am feeling like my eating is out of control. I do not have a meal schedule and I am pretty much eating anything I want, ofcourse I can not eat as much (but some days more than others or at least it feels that way). I feel like I am almost doing it as an act of defiance against my surgery. I always was good for self sabotage. I think eating was one of the only things I felt like I had complete control over. I doubted having surgery because I knew I would struggle with the "rules". I guess I am trying to figure out how to get a hold on things in a realistic way. I am eating things like cheese curls and no sugar added ice cream, and although it is ocassional and not everyday. I feel like, I am doing it because I want to still feel like I can eat whatever I want. I bought some little debbie gingerbread men cookies, why you may ask? because when I wanted them last year, I had missed the season and when I saw them again I felt like I had to have them! I am feeling self hatred because by having surgery, I don't feel "normal" anymore and I get pissed alot, and then I deal with feeling ungrateful because I know their are other people *****ally want this surgery and sometimes I feel like I want to switch places. I want to eat a sandwhich from SUBWAY or go to McDonalds or eat a really big salad, why because I want it! sound weird huh? My husband is researching DS (douodenal switch) and he likes this option best because he says they do not dump like us (RNY) and they can pretty much eat whatever and they eat and drink at the same time (which is something I still struggle with). I don't think I care enough and I want to care, I want to be gung ho about this surgery and doing everything right, but the truth is, I still feel really regretful somedays and I really must have enjoyed eating. I think it soothed me in a way. I don't know what to do. I am also feeling that since dh found out about DS that he is gonna be able to do all the things I wish I could. It also makes me feel like I did not do enough research or something. I want to feel good about this and learn how to eat better and have some kind of schedule and also to stop this unhealthy attachment to food that I have developed. I think it started as a child, I lived thorugh various types of abuse and truma and maybe food became what I leaned on. I pride myself on being a good cook and now, I feel like the layers of fat are being stripped from me and I feel like I am exposed in some way. It must all sound stange, but I can not help feeling like someone else out there had similar feelings and have overcome them. So if anyone would like to offer any advice that may be helpful, I am all ears! LeemLeem

I feel sad for you that you are regretting this surgery and can't be happy about it. I think you're right though that you may have leaned on food as a protective mechanism- we all have our "crutches". Mine was drugs when I was younger (so THAT'S what's wrong with her, you say.... hehehe) then alcohol, then prescription pain killers- was addicted to them all. Once I got off all the "legal" substances, food made itself known as another thing to use in excess so I certainly understand!! Do you think that you could go to counselling? I think that would really help you to talk out these issues. I'm wondering why you are feeling deprived though- does your surgeon have strict rules? I mean, I don't deprive myself of anything that I want- as long as I do it in moderation. I have salad all the time. Why can't you go to Subway? They have wraps there- and you could even get a regular sandwich just don't eat the bread. I have found that if I'm really craving something (like french fries when my daughter gets a happy meal) I will have a couple and they NEVER taste as good as I remember so that kills the craving. We are human, we want what we can't have- so I say have it!

LeemLeem- I am so sorry you are regreting your surgery! Many of us (including me) have turned to food as a crutch, a friend, or a coping mechanism. Without it, you don't know what to do sometimes. My first day back at work they announced a reorg-- all I wanted was a chocolate bar. Of course this was a few months ago, so I was only eating eggs, yogurt and cheese! I made an appointment for a therapist immediately. It has been really helpful, because we are discussing my anxiety, and looking for alternatives to food to help me cope with stress. I would highly recommend it. She also mentioned that is very common for women who are abused/molested to developing an eating disorder (be it obesity or anorexia). As the surgeons often say, they operate on your stomach not your brain! Andrea

Soooo true Andrea! I was abused and molested too. I know for a fact that I put on weight as a barrier because I didn't want that attention from men!

I know what you are saying. I have moments where I feel the same way, although my cravings are few and far between for some reason. Here lately I find myself looking in the cupboard, not because I'm hungry, but just because I want to eat something, and I don't want it to be healthy. I was a binge/comfort eater, and now I just stop, look back to the time when I would do that, and how badly I'd beat myself up after every episode. I state... OUT LOUD... "I will NOT go back to that person, I WILL NOT abuse myself anymore!" If I want a Wendy's burger and fries, I get them. If I want popcorn, I get it. I don't deprive myself, I just don't eat more than a few bites. And Michelle is right - it's never as good as I remember it being. I think these are just lessons we are having to learn. Right now we are all in the stage where the headhunger starts taking over BIG TIME, and actual hunger is starting to creep back up on us. So, it's all a big mind game. It is very hard to get to know yourself, and I truly believe that for alot of people, fat is, as you said, layers that protect us. You will adjust, it will just take some time. Almost everyone I know that has had RNY has become a different person - or maybe the fat made them a different person, and now they are back to normal - either way, they are all greatful. Give yourself a break, quit abusing yourself - you deserve better. You are a good person and you are loved, now learn to love yourself - the new improved you, the now motivated you, the I can get up from the floor you, the fit in a bathtub you, the no more swollen feet you, the hold your head high you! (not that you had any of those problems, just making a point) Hang in there, and keep the faith! HUGS Kimberly

Awwww Kimmy- you're so sweet!!

Thank you all so much, I am currently in therapy for my severe depression and I think maybe my therapist is not equipt to handle my issues. He gave me the letter of recommendation for my surgery and I feel that knowing my backround with abuse and food, maybe he should have made me wait and prove I was ready mentally in some way (he did say why not diet first) but I dunno what else I expected. I have asked my surgeon to change me back,and I know he won't. I just want to have this happy feeling that everyone seems to have. I have gone to SUBWAY, but I get frustrated when I can't eat like I want. I feel like I have managed to punish myself in the ultimate way now, by butchering my insides. I feel like, I cut up my body when it did not deserve it. My hormones are all over the place now, and I am sure this is playing a role in that whole craving thing now. I have to go back to see my therapist tommorow, I will tell him what has been going on. I know, I was in pain and unhappy being so overweight, but I really enjoyed food and may not have realized it. I think I was in denial in so many ways. I am afraid of change it seems. Whether it be this or my relationships with people. I tend to hold on to things that deep down, I know are no good for me. I want to be a happy go lucky person, I do, I am trying to deal with pain from my past I am. I think the weight was self punisment and protection and the surgery has become self punishment and deprevation. My nutrition team ofcourse wants me to eat all no sugar no fat stuff, but I did not eat that way b4 (hence the weight) and although I do make better choices, I don't think I will be that "perfect person". They seem to get really frustrated when you are not being perfect, and don't seem to understand that obesity in many has so much more to do with it than food. Again thanks for taking the time to read this and I welcome any suggestions. Leem

Mental,Physical and sexual abuse can really screw a person up huh? I wonder if I was raised in a "healthy home" what my life would have been. No sense in wondering that either huh? I guess I have to deal with the cards I have been dealt. I know, God does not give us more than we can bare, and that what does not kill you makes you stronger, and all of those things that are reassuring to say and hear. Perhaps I will get there

I to am coming to a point where my "demons" are starting to rear their ugly heads. Seems like there are many of us who have been abused, and/or molested and have turned to other things (for me it was sex, drugs, and ultimately food) to fill in the holes in my life. I've lost 48 pounds and look and feel better than I've felt in many years, and suddenly I too find myself standing in front of the pantry or frig...looking for "something" it's not really food, as I'm not hungry and things don't taste the way I remembered them tasting anyway, but yet there I am...old habit? Now I'm trying to find myself and my place again. Whenever before there was something in my life that didn't feel quite right, didn't work out right, or I was bored, angry, frustrated, unhappy....food was my comfort. But now it's not ....so what do I fill that with? Kaitlain Lap RNY 7/5/05 247/199/145

Kaitlain, Hi, I feel the same way, about what to fill that void with. I am hoping to get to the bottom of these issues and find some way of dealing with them. Thank you for responding and sharing your experience it is important to talk about these things in my opinion. Leem Lap RNY 7/27/05 312/269/135