Big baby!

WOMEN: Are you thinking about having any more babies? Are you worried that if you did, you might gain the weight back? MEN: If you had a wife that told you she'd be willing to have more babies post-op, but changed her mind......would you resent her? HERE'S MY STORY: As I have mentioned before I was pretty thin until I had a baby. well.......To make the long boring story short (and boring): I got pregnant (accidently) and was violently ill for a huge part of the pregnency. Then we almost lost him at birth. I suffered terrible post-partum depression (sp?) It was hands-down the worst time in my life. That's when the lbs. started to pile on. I was stuck at home, totally depressed, I had no car, no money and no life beyond this new born that was relentlessly colicky. In the middle of all of this....I was working two jobs and was going to school. My husband was almost no help to me beyond baby-sitting. I don't think he knew WHAT to do and I hid my depression from him. I found it very difficult to bond with my baby because I viewed him as the source of my grief. This is so hard for me to say because I love my son sooo much. Even to this day, I want nothing to do with babies! So.............This being said.....I have NO desire to have another one, but my husband wants at least two more. I must admit that I used it to gain his support for my surgery. I couldn't have babies when I was fat and I told him that I would be able to post-op. I think I gave him false hope and in fact I was hoping that I WOULD WANT to have another one after I got the weight off. Now that I'm here........It's even LESS appealing than it was before. Pregnancy is what pushed me off the cliff the first time. I'm terrified that I will gain the weight back and then what the hell would i have done all of this for! Am I a selfish b*tch for telling him that I don't want to have anymore? He sure thinks I am!!! I want your honest opinion. I'm not looking for those of you who ONLY support my feelings, I want them all! Don't worry, I can handle it! Bring it on baby! C

IMO no you are not a selfish b*tch. I have to ask this when you where carrying your son did your husband see how awful sick you where and was he there to support you thur this time. Also why would he want you to risk the chance of almost losing another baby. If you did go ahead and had another one. I know most will say that it may not happen again. But then again who knows this time it may be both you and the baby health at risk. Plus did he really understand how depressed you where after your sonborn. And does he really truly want you to risk being that way again. IMo I would sit down with him and reminded him what you and your son went thur. And ask him how strong his support truly would be if you did have another baby. And he he willing by chance to lose either one of you at the birth. And how would he truly explain it to your son. That daddy and him lose mommy because he was the one who wanted to have more kids. Plus also ask him if he is going to give up he side activity to help you out with the new baby and be there during the nite when that baby wakes up to help take care of it, Again i do not mean for this reply to sound like a b*tch on my end but maybe once you sit down and explain what you went thur with your son. He will see why you do not want another baby. For the wt gain I been following a few of the ladies jounery while they where carrying there babies. And if I remember right one gained close to 40 pounds and has lost most of her wt after she had he baby and still has a few more pounds to go. And some of the ladies are below there wt before they had there babies. I truly know what you are going thur about six years ago me and my husband went thur a very hard time. When I had a still born baby that we had to abort because the infection from it was making me very sick. And if not he would of being coming home to just our son. Please feel free to email me any time. Again you have ever right to refuse to want another baby with what you been thur. But then again this is just my two cents. taichi

Hi Tiachi, Thank you for your reply. Yes, he did see how sick I was. It's been eight years though and I don't think he remembers how bad it truly was. The depression...no. He didn't know how bad it really was. I was afraid to tell anyone that I was having these thoughts b/c I didn't want anyone to think I was a bad mom. It sounds crazy when I say it now, but they were true feelings back then. One thing I did forget to say in my original post is that we had agreed when we got married that we would have three kids. He wanted five.....I wanted two.......so we agreed on three. This is why I have these guilty feelings. Is this a "bait and switch" on my part to change course AFTER he married me? As for the night time feedings and such.......It's not likely that he would pitch in. He didn't the first time. In fact part of my depression was sleep deprovation (sp?). Again...thanks! C

well... i would LOVE and pray that I would be able to have bioligical children.. we adopted our son because I am not able to have them. we are not even a year out- and they say a year and a half to 2 years not to even try to concieve so you do have a little time to even think about it. but if you really don't want to carry another child you should talk to your husband about it explain it- there's always surregancy and/or adoption but if you really don't want another child you two need to discuss it and be open and honest with him so it gives him time to digest and talk with you about it but that's just me..... jennifer

Hey babe, Thanks for your reply. In light of the difficulty you have had conceiving, I probably seem very ungrateful. We have thought about adoption several times and in fact, haven't ruled it out. I want a child though....no more babies!!! His issue is that he wants a "blood" related child to pass down his name and family traits. I think this is ridiculous! Not only does he already have a son, but biological or adopted......your child is your child!!! I'm afraid that he wont care for an adopted child the way he would care for a biological one.....just because of the stink he has made about it, NOT because that is what he has said. I have talked to him recently about this. He is NOT happy with my decision. I can't blame him! I've been saying for years that we would have more, but now that the decision is staring me in the face.....i just DO NOT want to do it! I think he is getting use to the idea though and re-thinking the adpotion thing. The reason this decision is in play right now is because I need to know what to do about plastics. I would be crazy to have PS BEFORE having another baby. All of the "issues" I have right now with extra skin are baby related, not obesity related (except for my weird gross underarms). It would be a HUGE waste of time and resources to have PS and then get pregnent. I intend to be "sterilized" once I have PS. OMG.....when I write that out, it seems sooo vain. Sorry folks! I guess that's what I am. Anyway......Jennifer, I know you want a baby and I hope that's EXACTLY what you get darlin! As for me, it was a long rough road that I'm not sure I ever want to pass through again. Thanks! Channan

Channan- You are not a b-tch. Adoption is a an option. Given the potential health hazards and how you feel, it is "OK" to feel like you don't want to be pregnant. Most people say they forget the horribleness, so if after 8 years you are still remembering it, I think that speaks volumes on how you feel. Give the hubby time and be honest but straightforward. And don't beat yourself up.

I have to tell you, I have twins that are now 3 and I thought that I would commit suside when they were little. My DH works nights (9:30pm-6:30am) and I would have to be by myself all night and during the day because that is when DH slept. I was going crazy. I was too very sleep deprived. I would never let anyone outside the house know how I was doing, it was perfect. My boys were conceived through invetro, and that made me even mro0e sad that we had paid 25,000 to have children and here I am wanted to kill myse4lf or them. I did quite my job to be a stay at home mom, but when the boys were 6 months old my boss called and wanted to know if I would part time and I got to pick the days, it was GREAT! I got out of the house and there didn't have to go to daycare because DH was taking them when I was at work. ....Now, I said that I would like to have ONE more after I lost weight, but I just recently told him, that I don't think I can have another baby. First, we have a daughter that is 17years old and will be graduating next year and then the boys that are 3. So what are we thinking about having another one. Plus, I'm a size 8 now (I was 283 lbs and size 28 pants) and yes call me selfish, but I don't want to gain the weight back, and I don't want to "starve" the baby because I can't eat that well yet. All i would do is talk it over with your DH and let him know how you feel and maybe get someone neutral for the both of you. Side note....Would adoption be an option? Then you are not going through the morning sickness and the birth, and then maybe you could be a much better mother for your baby and yourself. Just a though. (You can use your eggs and DH sperm) so IT WOULD BE YOUR BABY. Good luck! Tammy

OK, I'm having a little trouble organinzing my thoughts on this. The reason I think I am having trouble is that I can't relate to your husband's thinking. I love kids (hell I'm a teacher) but I've never had a desire to have kids of my own. You say you have talked to him and he isn't happy with your decision. Have you told him the things you have shared with us? Such as the depression and the level of HIS participation. If he was mearly a "babysitter" the first time no wonder he dosn't get it. Talk to him, tell him what you have told us. He may be disappointed but if he loves you as much as I'm sure he does he will come to realize that your safety and happiness means more than anything. BTW...you are NOT a b*tch in any way shape or form, well at least not about this.

Thanks babe! Now that I think about it.....the timing of this post (Day before Mother's Day) really sucked! Sorry folks! Um......Yes I have talked to him about this. I think he just needs some time to think about it some more. The wound is still fresh. He REALLY wants more kids. He knows about the struggles that I had, but because he was living it vicarously through me and not himself, he has forgotten how bad it really was. At the time our son was born, my husband was working 60 hours a week. I didn't mean to make him sound like just a "baby-sitter". We were both exhausted and neither one of us knew what the hell to do with a baby. Regardless of what they say.....motherhood/fatherhood does not come naturally to some of us. He NOW knows about the depression. He didn't at the time, although I was crying and disconnected all the time. He never really put it together. I love my husband very much. We have great times (and not-so-great times) together, but he truly owns my heart. (Oh...did I mention he's great in the sack?) I'm hoping that the new boobs that I'm getting will make him forget alllll about this. When ever he brings it up, I'll distract his attention away with his new "babies". That's my plan! Thanks Peter! C

You are not ready and it is your body. From your post, your hubby sounds immature and frankly, chauvanistic! He simply doesn't put your mental and physical well-being first. Having a child happily requires a complete commitment and a wellspring of warm feelings for the experience on your part. Obviously, they are not there now. I think you are being completely candid questioning how well you could nurture another child at this point. The timing is wrong, Channon. Wait! Dave