Why is SHE here?

Who is SHE? A Poem Dedicated to the Januarians SHE is a distortion, astigmatism in the reflection of my soul. I grow weary of wrestling with this red headed harpy of self hate. SHE is a peevish spirit that must be exercised from the temple of my thoughts. I squander precious recourses, striving to evict this daemon in vain. SHE is a deft thief of joy, and a relentless tormentor. And the reason, I find no peace of mind or rest in the house of my heart. I don't seek to see her slain; yet must endure the sirens venhamous insults, and wounding wailings, And remember, instead, to repay my sister with loving kindness and mercy for SHE is my evil twin. Author April Mitchell-Edmonds

SHE is the lonely little girl who never felt good enough and found comfort in food and a good book. SHE is the young woman who used her inceasing size to keep people at a distance. SHE is the person who was in total denial about having diabetes to the point of causing irreversable vision loss and nerve damage in her legs and feet. SHE is the one I won't listen to anymorebecauce to do so is dangerous. SHE is the one that I allowed to hurt me for far too long. SHE is dead to me now. I am now alive and kicking.

My she is killing me. She is the one who says this surgery is never going to work for you She is the one who pushes my husband away, she is the one who says he is looking at skinny women, and when he finds the right one you are gone. She is the one who says go head eat that, it will be ok, you had the surgery, so it will be ok. She is the one who says you are not worth it, you are the one who has let down your family, friends, your husband. She is the one who say you look the same, you are not cute, everyone is laughing at you. She say why even try, why are you walking, why are you working out. She is the one who rubs the pain. SHE IS ME, She is the person who helped me stay in my home, saying people will only laugh and talk about you. She is the one who tells me how I don't belong. She is the one who tells me no one cares. She is the person I have been living with for 31 years, I have taken her advice, helped her call me names, let her tell me what todo or not todo. She is the one who says, don't put your pic up you are not a real person you are a FAT slob. She is the one telling me I am doing it all wrong. I am the one who is fighting everyday to make this tool work. I am the one who watches everything going in my mouth. I am the one who will win, who will become a wonderful part of my own life. Sorry so long, This question really got to me, this she is really HURTING ME.

Wow, reading this put me on an emotional rollercoaster... So many feelings, that SHE tries to convince me that I am completely alone on... I'm "happy" to see that I am not alone. That, even though these are not desireable emotions, at least there is a common place of understanding. I thank God for you girlies... everyday! An ounce of understanding is worth millions! Be blessed! Know that you are loved, despite what SHE tries to tell you! Angela

SHE will always be with you. Always. Now is the time to make friends. When SHE has negative remarks/feelings, it is up to you to say, gently, that SHE is wrong and tell HER why. It takes practice but it does work.

Who is "SHE"? She is the one I have known my entire life, and she is really pissed off that I am changing before her very eyes. All the efforts she has made in her lifetime to push people away without a chance are worthless now. She can no longer keep people at a safe distance and she seems scared. I almost feel sorry for her at times. She is the one that has always made me feel bad about myself, made me feel I was not worth the effort people gave. She left me feeling lonely and sad sometimes and I hate her for that, but I forgive her no doubt. It's simply the way she was brought up, she can't help it. She is the one that doubts any real feelings that may come up, she says I don't deserve to be happy and proud. She laughs at me, points at me, and tells me I am making my family/friends distant and unhappy. She does not know that it's OK to change and that it's possible to be happy even with those changes. She only knows what her experiences are form the past. I can only try and love her and embrace her and make her see what I see. She is the one who says, "You look the exact same, you have not changed, everyone is still laughing at you." Giving her two cents, she calls me names and even tells me I am ugly sometimes. She says that I should simply quit trying before I get lost in an effort that is in vane. What she doesn't know is that I count on her to keep me real, I just want her to meet me in the middle where we can both be happy. She is the one I fight with Everyday and she hurts me more than my friends and family. She tries to convince me that I am completely alone on this journey. She is always so negative, the one who never felt good enough. She is the one that I allowed to hurt me for far too long. She is the one who will never leave me and the one, at times, I wish would leave the most. She will more than likely always be with me. All I can do is greet her everyday with a smile and tell her that she will either be part of a winning team with me or that I will conquer her, it's her choice. I'd rather keep her close by, because she has known me my whole life and knows more about me than anyone in the world. She will help to remind me where I come from, but she really needs to learn that she can not rule my life anymore and she is going to have to change with me or get the hell out of the mirror because with or without her my life has already, totally changed. I love her I hate her! I feel sorry for her! I hate her! I forgive her! I hate HER!

I AM SO AMAZED AT THE RESPONSE TO MY COMMENT. EVERY POST BROUGHT ME TO TEARS...SO MANY VOICES OF THE SAME TONE, SO MUCH PASSION AND HONESTY. YOU ALL HIT IT ON THE HEAD. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.... THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS SITE AND ALL YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE. Deborah J 220/205/178/147 avg./pre-op/3wkpost/current 12 wks SHE