Confessions of a Food Junkie....

I haven't been around the board much this past week. I fell off the wagon, but luckily I was able to get back on. It all started last Friday. I was preparing for our annual St. Patrick's Day family get-together. It's a big day in my family, and of course, lots of food involved. I figured I was going to go off a bit, what with the soda bread and colcannon, but didn't think it would be anything I couldn't deal with. Friday night I was making the colcannon (mashed potatoes with kale, cabbage, leeks and LOTS of butter!) and sampled a bit of my soda bread (have to make sure it's worthy...right???). That started me off. Like an alcoholic, one starchy, carb-filled taste was too much, and in the end, half a loaf and a big bowl of potatoes wasn't enough. I went on a carb binge for five days. It was frightening!! I was insatiable. I couldn't fill up and that fat girl inside of me (Assy Anne) was rationalizing and giving me excuses left and right. I felt so WEAK and out of control! I ate, and ate and ate. Carbs, carbs, carbs. I felt the effects of the carbs - I was sluggish, and one day, I couldn't even get out of bed. Finally, I was able to shut Assy Anne up and I took control again. I was on my binge for five days, and gained five pounds in those days. I've lost four of them, so I feel better, but it really worries me that #1) I can put SO much in my pouch #2) I can rationalize so easily #3) Even though I felt full and almost sickish, I still ate more #4) I have to diet - no more easy weight loss. I'm finding that if I put more than 700 calories in per day I won't lose - that seems so low to me!! I've gotten back on the wagon - drinking my water, getting in my protein, not eating over 25 carbs, and logging everything into fitday.com. I haven't exercised in awhile - I've been waiting for the nice weather so I can walk outside again, but Mother Nature is as sluggish as I. I was ashamed of myself, and I felt guilty. Since I consider you all my friends, I will confide in you that I have had addictions in the past - I have not had a drink or any non-prescribed mind-altering chemicals in 22 years, and I quit smoking 4 years ago. I AM an addictive personality, and after giving up drinking, drugs and cigs, eating very easily took their place. Now, that pouchy is more forgiving, I really have to deal with this addiction head-on. I seem to be back on track, and thank goodness for that. I know the strength came from within me and I am stronger than I give myself credit for. It's so easy to feel guilty, but so hard to pat myself on the back. Guess I have to work on that too!! Thank you all for bearing through my long story. I love you all and I know that when I'm struggling, this is the place to be. Hugs, Nancy -104

Hi Nancy! I am not very good with words or expressing how I feel and that is why I do not answer alot of these messages. But I wanted to let you know I am behind you 110 % I am a major emotional eater and everyday is a struggle. The surgery makes it harder for me to eat as much but dealing with the head hunger is a daily struggle. Yes I have lost a considerable amount of weight to date but not a day goes by that I worry today will be the day I will go off the wagon. One day at a time is so appropriate for us. I know you can do it. I read all your posts and you are a VERY strong woman and my prayers are with you daily........ Lots of hugs Janette

I understand completely..i have not lost 1 pound in 2 mths.. i'm still at 190 I started at 268. and i'm 8 mths out. Lately I've been or candy ,, chips, and alcohol kick..and alot of it.. me and a girlfriend r suppose to go straight liquids mon - fri this coming wk.. and she hasnt even had the surgeryl.. I'm hoping that going back to basic for a few days will give my body a shock to start back losing... And while on the liquids I plan to start back at the gym,, in the morings for an 1 hr and a 1/2.. But I'm glad u got off your kick and i hope i can get off mine.

Janette I had to comment to you !! You are great with words and expressing yourself. You really are! Great response to this post. Keep up the wonderful words from a great beautiful person. Thanks

I was wondering where you were woman!!!! I commend you for your honesty in bringing this out in the open. I know it's never easy to admit our downfalls. But you know what...you're already the winner here! You saw what was wrong and fixed it! If you could quit smoking, drinking and drugs...you can work on the food issues too. You just may need more help with that one, since you kinda have to eat to live... I for one am proud of you for getting yourself back on track and better yet, coming on here and being so open about it...I think you're fantastic! Most of us do have food issues to deal with...and self-esteem issues...etc...it's really not easy, but these things can be changed. I had posted this week about attitude and how it needs to chanmge for us to be successful...as I mentioned, I was lucky in the sense that I managed that change before this surgery, so things were much easier for me....but it doesn't mean it can't still be done for others... I'll always be here to support you...to be a shoulder when you need it..and a boot to the butt when you need that too Keep the faith and stay positive, you're going to have a long, healthy, slim future Linda 268/155

Hey Nancy: We love you too and are glad that you are back on board...and on the board. So...you found out that you are human, and that the pouch is not magic, huh?? You have done amazingly well over these past 8 months and should pat yourself on your back. I think we all have addictive personalities, and it is hard not to indulge ourselves with some of our favorite foods, especially the stuff that holiday celebrations are made of . For me, this is the celebration of Purim, where among other things we eat a sweet filled pastry called Hamentoshen ( I don't think I spelled that right). Last night, I led worship services at a congregation which is about 2 hrs from my house ( I am a cantorial soloist, and I do that from time to time). As is the custom of the season, we brought these delicacies with us on the trip. But before I even left the house there was one in the box for us at home, and low and behold I found myself having to sample it. So of course I broke off a corner of it to have "just a taste". Before services started we were to have a small pot luck dinner. Of course I should have come prepared with something healthful for me to eat, but did I? Of course... I left it up to chance. They served- bagels and cream cheese...someone brought a pizza, another hummous and pita bread, and then, potato salad. ( The person with the main courses of tuna and quiche came late). So I took a piece of pizza. Of course it didn't really fill me up ( especially nutritionally) so that set me up for what happened the rest of the evening. I was overhungry by the time I came home, and probably thirsty too. When I walked in the door, there were the remnants of my daughters get together with friends...and you guessed it a half eaten deep dish pizza ( my favorite)- I took a slice, nuked it....and I was in heaven. But then all night long I was looking for something else to eat. I found myself grazing into the middle of the night. Carbs beget carbs I think, and I am ever so much better without them. I don't know what happens to our brains when we delude ourselves into thinking that just this one our wrong choice will be OK. But we ALL - or should I say...most of us do the very same thing. Because we are in the moment of our love affair with food. I guess with any addiction we just have to say...take it one day at a time, and that I can do what I need to today that for a lifetime would seem impossible. So congrats that you are back on track- here's to many more days of personal successes. Thanks for sharing- we all need to do that to remind ourselves that we are , after all..just human. Take care and hugs back at ya Marcy -89

im right there with you nanc and whats great is you post on the board thinking your unique and lo and behold we all find out we are human... for me my downfall is my creamer in my coffee have to have my cinamon hazelnut well i saw that i was stalled and then gaining one or two lbs here or there....i always said to myself that if i gain weight i will kill my self and since i have depression issues and suicdal tendencies i figured id better nip this in the bud and soon i since went out and got thel ow carb creamer and im praying that works; as for anything else i have conquerd in my life its a one day at a time thing.i thank got everyday that i stuck with aa and have tons of support because i use them with my weight loss as well as my heroin addiction... you have to promise me one thing and that is to not beat yourself up... pick yourself up and do what you know in your heart is right.......we are sooooo here for you for whatever you need we are all going thru the same thing and whats better we are all in the same time frame so abuse us if you have to..... Stacy

Nancy, I was wondering where you were. What a horrible week for you. Even worse is that you ran away from us. I think most of us have given in to our weakness at one point or another. By now, we all know what foods we can get by with abusing. I have a carb habit too. If I have any carbs during the day, I am hungery all day long. Mix that in with that time of the month, and I am one cranky ***** when it comes to food and meal time. I actually thought about leaving DH when I caught him eating my jerky. I didn't realize how much comfort I find in food until this move. I don't really need to be eating it any longer. But, I have to be around it. And, it has to be MY food. We were way over our weight limit with this move. And, it is going to cost us big bucks. Today I realized why. I stocked up on food before we left. The main bad things were canned goods. Anyway, before our stuff arrived, I was cranky. I broke down and cried after we left the grocery store day. Food is so expensive in the civilian world. They day the movers arrived with all of the food I stocked up on, I realized the comfort I gain in being surrounded with food. I instantly felt better with each box of food they brought in. Today I was organizing it and felt so good to be surrounded with all of these foods even though I can't eat most of them. I think this is why I still take great pleasure in watching others eat. Weird, huh? I guess our adictions run in deep weird levels. Please don't feel like you ever have to stay away. You have been so supportive to all of us, even with this "confession". We want to be here for you too. Hat

Nancy.. your not alone in this look at all the people that are on this board and other boards of OH. We have all been there done that and we are all struggling with our demons! That's why we all come to this board to get the support we need from others who do understand! No one said this was going to be easy and I guess they were right it's not. Were not only battling our weight but our heads as well. Hopefully we can all find comfort in the fact that were not alone and you diffinately can be proud of yourself that you got yourself back on track !! There maybe some who won't have the strength to do that. Take care !! .. Sue P.S. I'm an ex-smoker I quit one year before I had double by-pass surgery on my heart!!

Nancy, doesn't it just suck to realize that you can still binge? My weekend has been pretty horrible, and I am dreading stepping on the scale. I'm glad that you were able to get back in control of things...that's SOOO hard! Hang in there, we only have to get through one day at a time! Pamela -92