How people are responding to you... (mini gripe)

Ok, I have a mini gripe here. For the last 15 years I have been a very big gal, and mind you, I am no tiny gal now (size 16-18 202lbs), but lately I have made some huge strides in weight loss and appearance and am a little over 2 pounds from the onderful club..... thrilling yes! But here is my mini gripe. Up until I have begun to get into a real position to possibly reach my goal weight, my family has been ultrasupportive. At least my husband and my mom. Now, neither of them can help but mention this comment after asking me how much I am down "gee, I think I am gaining what you are losing or the like. " Or "At least one of us is losing weight". My previously ultrasupportive husband basically told me that hearing of the recent strides i am making is making him feel crappy! Well, who wanted that? certainly not me. Just some history, about 3 years ago, just after he turned 30 he was up to 245 pounds, he is 5"10, but very stalky and big boned & muscular... He got fed up with the extra meat on his bones, so he committed himself to losing it and he did, He got down to 200 and was looking mighty hot! (about the thinnest he can be without looking gaunt) Over the last 3 years job stress, home life, etc has caused him to gain about 20-25 of that back, he was o****il the past month or so when I dropped below his current weight (I am a female, I should weigh less) and I started to be able to wear his shirts and shorts and have room in them, not much, but a little! Last night he even threw in how his hair is thinning and he looks like the fat old fart of the 2 of us! He even mentioned that I have all these hip new clothes and he is wearing stuff with holes in it! Well, lets see, I "have" to buy new clothes bc after a while, they have fallen off or look like crap on me. I am not overly trendy, but I am not dead either. My hair stopped falling out so now he is worried about his! I don;t get it. Even with his extra 20 pounds, he still looks hot, and I let him know, yeah, he has a little more weight in the midsection, and I would like to see him lose it so he feels better about himself, and for his overall health and well being. But he still looks wonderful and young, and thinner even than I do. Should I take this personal or even see it as a compliment that he is so worried about it since I have changed? I never wanted to make anyone uncomfortable, I did this so I would be healthy and feel 32 instead of 82 and so I could see my kids grow up, tie my own shoes, and be a little old lady someday when we retire and gow old together! I am finally getting close to what I was when we met and I was 16 (155-160 lbs not that close- but closer than I was at 306!) and he has commented a while back that he looks at me sometimes and feels like he goes back in time 15 years. But does me looking better and being happier have to hurt those I care about? and at least he doesn't have what is starting to look like 90 year old boobs, butt , inner thighs, and lower belly! Any one else dealing with this or have some advise. I know he loves me, but I have to say, I think for the first time in years, I feel like I look worthy of him..... I never thought I did before. I always thought people probably looked at us and thought, wow she must be a really nice person for him to stay with her. Now I do not feel that way. I feel like we look like we should be together.... so why is he so worried and upset? How many times can I tell him I think he is a hotty and I'll never leave the person who stood by me at my absolute worse and loved me anyway, not to mention who is my soul mate! As for my mom, she is not as bad, but regularly mentions that she needs to lose weight. (I feel bad bc I think it is in part bc of me too) I feel good, I look better than I have in years, I look younger, dress better, wear makeup almost every day now -- not counting today when I have my period and feel crappy so I am in athletic pants, pony tail, and no makeup cuz I feel crummy! But normally I feel pretty decent for the first time in years.... does it have to make others feel worse about themselves? I am to the point, I don't want to mention anything about it to people bc I feel bad! ARRRGGHHHH - Just tell me someone else has dealt with this and maybe has some advise - If not, at least I got to gripe about it some.... Kristy B 306/202/165 -102

Kristy, Congratulations on your awesome weightloss. You have to feel wonderful about what you've been able to accomplish! As for your husband and mother, you have to remember that we can't control the way other people feel. It is not our fault if they choose to feel bad about themselves. All you can do is be positive. When you allow yourself to feel bad because you think your success is hurting others, you are sabatoging yourself. Don't let them take away the joy you feel at being able to reach your goals. Instead, why not offer for them to accompany you when you exercise or offer an especially delicious, healthy recipe you've found? The bottom line is that you have no control over how other people react to you and your accomplishments. You don't have to gloat, but you also shouldn't be afraid to pat yourself on the back for a job well done. If you don't, who will? I hope you don't think I'm being rude; I just wanted you to know that it's okay to be proud of yourself. Stephany

Thanks for your input, things have gotten better (especially since hubby lost 9 lbs of his own) You are not being rude. I appreciate the input! Kristy B 306/201/165

Kristy: Wow! The experience you are having with your husband is EXACTLY the same one I'm having with mine. Except that my husband has never seen me thinner before. When we met I was at a weight even higher than I was on the day of my surgery. So he's always known me (and loved me) as an obese woman. My husband is not dealing too well with my weight loss right now. I wouldn't come right out and say he's jealous persay, but he does make comments about how he's getting fatter as I'm getting thinner. It really shows that this really depresses him and he sometimes stresses himself out about it. I was always about 30 lbs. bigger than him, now I'm 30 lbs. smaller. He too, is having a hard time wrapping his mind around the concept that the woman is normally smaller than the man. He doesn't really compliment me on how I look now. Instead he says things like "You're getting too boney!" or "You're not my little Nugget anymore!". He nicknamed me "Nugget" because he said I was short & round like a chicken nugget. Heh. Now he says I've gone from nugget status to strip status... as in chicken strip. lol Anyway, I digress... I know exactly how you're feeling though. It's very frustrating because you're so damn happy that you're losing and looking good, and you want others to be happy for you too. And they may be happy, but it also comes with a degree of sadness for them and that gives YOU guilt. We shouldn't have to feel guilty about losing weight!!! I would think that my husband would be ecstatic that he has a thinner wife now. But instead of being proud, he acts like it's bringing him down. I don't think it has anything to do with him being afraid that I'll leave him for someone "better" either. I tell him all the time how much I love him and how much he means to me, and I think he truly believes it. I think it's more of a secret competition thing he has going on in his mind. I wish he would get over it though! Because nothing I say seems to really make him feel better :/ I agree with the previous poster about maybe offering to workout with him when he starts to complain about gaining weight. I also tell my husband that he could lose weight if he ate the same way I did, that having the smaller stomach is just a tool. But he just can't commit to cutting back on carbs. Granted, he only needs to lose maybe 20-30 lbs total. But it's still really bringing him down that I no longer participate in eating fests with him like we used to. I'm also dealing with similiar cir****tances with my friend who has recently put on quite a bit of weight. When we were single and roommates, she was always the smaller one by at least 50 lbs. Now she is the size I was the day I had surgery. She is really struggling to lose weight and hasn't been too successful. Her health has declined, but she doesn't have very good insurance that would cover the surgery. Not only that, she is emphatically against it, for herself at least. So I feel a good degree of guilt, both generated by myself, and coming from her, over losing weight with WLS as a tool. She sort of makes me feel like I "cheated" by getting the surgery because I would have never been able to lose the weight without it and I'd be struggling right along with her. All we can do is remain positive for ourselves and try to be understanding to our friends & family that aren't taking our weight loss as well as we wanted them too.

I wish I could workout with him, he is an avid runner 2 to 3 miles plus weights, etc. He works out as often as he can. I think the best result for him was to lose some of his excess weight! Thank Goodness! Since he found out he is down to 211 he has been much happier! Although he did make the comment yesterday about me getting a skinny kid mid life crisis and leaving him and the kids bc I mentioned that when I get a new car (in about 2 years) I did not think I wanted another minivan. He commented about me being too skinny for the mini van --- jokingly. The truth is, I would like something smaller and easier to drive and park, but I may end up with an SUV bc of the girls and all their sports! Either way - that is 2 years away after I finish school and Like I would ever leave him and my girls for anything or anyone else. Besides his recent funk, he has been a wonderful husband for almost 15 years now and I am no dummy, I know a good one when I find one, no matter how skinny I get, I will still be insanely in love with him! Why don't they get that!? Thanks for sharing - good to know it is not just me! Kristy B 306/201/165