Dancing the Masochistic Tango....are you dancing too?

Hi everyone....Like all of you the holiday season was wonderful and busy and difficult. While it was great seeing everyone and getting presents, I unfortuntely learned that I have very strong masochistic tendencies! I found and still find myself doing things that I KNOW are going to make me feel badly and yet, I keep doing them. Things like, I can eat 1 piece of See's candy and feel okay....so I eat 2. And feel nasty for about 15 minutes. Then an hour or so later, guess where I am? Back at the See's box! Same thing with other sweet foods that I KNOW will make me dump! I will bake a batches of cookies, make pans of cinnamon rolls...etc. The other day I was in the grocery store...passed the candy isle, decided that a bag of chocolate would be okay, then the cookies...some molassas ginger snaps, some schoolboys, some wedding cookies, the bakery section...yummy frosted sugar cookies...frozen foods...ohhhh pecan pie...all went into my cart! Finally sanity reared it's ugly head and I put everything back except the gingersnaps. Of course, as soon as I got home I ate a ginger snap and dumped. But had another one later....and dumped...and another one the next day...and dumped. Anyone else noticing a pattern here? I know all the common sense rules..like don't buy the stuff, don't have it in the house, try to avoid it at work, keep healthy snacks on hand etc. It doesn't help that the hospital I work at turned into See's hospital and chocolate store at Christmas and that everywhere I went there was tons of back goods. I know that 90% of this is mental....10% is the carb addiction...so I'm trying to deal with the mental stuff. Is anyone else doing this or am I dancing all alone? Any ideas? I'm going to a new support group that I hope will help and am thinking about OA. My last group was more concerned about how much everyone had lost as a group...not really very helpful. Now, there is some good news...thats what makes masochism so much fun! I have lost 78 pounds....30 pounds from goal! I am taking my vits about 99% of the time, I get my protein in and am exercising about 70% of time. Not too bad! Trying to increase the exercise..I was doing better before the holidays. My BP is down from 160/90 to 104/66 and I just had labs drawn and am waiting forresults which I know have to be much better then my previous labs. Oh yeah, my other little masochistic game is challenging OH folks sacred cows..one of these days I'll learn not to question what people "know" by asking them for their source! Hmmm, maybe not, cuz it is kind of fun! Anyway thats my confession for the day. Hope you all have a fabulous day. CJ 246/168/138

Hey CJ, where have you been? We've missed you around here! I've had my moments that I indulge myself. I bought some of those sugar free Pillsbury cookies and was doing really well with making one at a time and enjoying that. Then one night I made four of them and ate them all even though I felt crummy. I know that was the old behavior rearing it's head and it scared the he77 out of me. I'm learning that there are definitely trigger foods, and I HAVE to avoid them or I will end up right back where I started. I can eat 1/2 can of cashew nuts - maybe more, so I just don't buy them anymore. I'm like Jekyll and Hyde in the grocery store, "buy the can of cashews, you'll be able to just have a few"; "no, I can't control it, no cashews!"; "what about if we find a small can of them".....ad nauseum. I used to love food shopping - now I can't get out of the store fast enough! I guess what I'm saying is that we all have our demons and I know for me, I'm going to have to get to a point where I need to change if I want to grow (or NOT grow literally ). I hope you don't think I'm preaching - I'm just sort of rambling and talking to myself because I have days that I could stuff my face all day long and rationalize that tomorrow I'll do better. You're doing great, CJ - 78 lbs., BP down - awesome! Hugs, Nancy -90

Thanks Nancy.... As someone once said "We didn't have brain surgery!" I wonder where I can sign up for it? I know what you mean about grocery shopping. I walked through the store today saying stuff like ...that chocolate bar is full of maggots...those chips are chopped up taters slathered in nasty cellulitic fat oozing from every piece...it helped. I didn't buy any junk! I don't think your preaching..or if you are its to the choir! I agree about the demons and the trigger foods. The holidays brought them all out. I think my writing about this was to formalize the ideas in my mind, publicly acknowledge my faults and start trying to move on. I'm thinking Overeaters Anonymous might be an idea as it deals with relationships with food. It's been a busy month..hubby deployed to Asia, will be gone for 5 more months. He took my laptop so now I was sharing our computer with my kids....ie...mom gets very little time. We gave our DD a computer for Christmas and know she is on line and my DIL hooked up her computer so know my computer is back to being mine! School is back in session so life should get back to normal. IT was nice chatting. CJ