Curious..(And then I rant too)
This is the first time I am posting, but I have been reading this board for a few months now.
I am curious if any others out there feel the same way about their surgery and consequent weight loss. I am having issues with how much I am loosing and my feelings about the surgery itself. I am discouraged and very downhearted about the whole situation.
I'm really not asking others on "how to loose more" or want responses that say, exercise more and eat more protein, it's more of a request to know that I am not the only one who feels this way. (I am sorry if that offends people, but when one is crying a lot over these issues, the helpful hints on how to do better just seem to hurt.)
As much as I am thrilled to read how much others are loosing, I get so very discouraged. I am a "slow" looser. My guess is that since surgery on 7-19-04, I have lost around 70 pounds. (I don't weigh myself unless I am in the surgeon's office.)
Now, I am not discouraged that I lost 70 pounds, on the contrary, I am THRILLED...but when I read so many other posts that state how much more others have lost, I just feel like such a failure and so very very discouraged, especially since the tally of the "how much have you lost" post says that 90 pounds is the average.
I am not sorry that I had the surgery, but I am not like many others that I read about on here. Most folks would, when asked if they would do the surgery again or recommend it to someone else, always emphatically say yes. I am not one of those folks and I fear it is because there is such an emotional toll. It took me over two years to come to the decision to have the surgery. And, although, I am grateful for it...I am so scared, daily, that this is just one more tool that is going to fail.
I am sick of people looking at me and telling me how different I look. I feel as if I am living in a fishbowl. I never had this surgery to look different. I was healthier before surgery than I am now (I am now iron deficient). I had this surgery so that in 20 years I will not be like my father. He has sleep apnea, high blood pressure, diabetes, and takes over 20 pills a day to keep himself healthy. Fortunately, I had NO co-morbidities when I chose to have the surgery, I was/am just fat. So now that I do look different and I get all these looks from honest well-wishers, I just want to scream at them and say, "This is NOT why I had surgery!" My shell has changed, true, but I am still exactly the same person inside.
Am I so much "better" now that I am fitting better into societal standards? I wear the same clothes and speak the same way, but why do I get so much more attention now?
So again, I think I originally started this to ask if anyone else feels as discouraged as I do...but it turned into a vent of sorts.... forgive me....
(But I still am curious!) 
First of all Michelle, a very warm hug to you....YOU AREN'T ALONE! Thank you for taking the risk of sharing your feelings, that's huge. I'm a slow loser too, 7/30/04 and only -67 lbs., so I know and understand that frustration. I've learned that comparing myself to others is not the right benchmark for me. Learning not to do that is something I have to work at and remind myself.
I've succumbed to feelings of inadequacy and disappointment but I don't let them last long. I daily write down positive things that have happened, even if it just means I don't have to use the handicap bathroom stall : ) I've read and been told that WLS patient can experience depression and that is something that is totally treatable and temporary. These are HUGE changes we are going through, don't be afraid to get help to get over the hump, if it could benefit you.
I liked your analogy of the fishbowl, that is so true. I feel scrutinized by the people in my life, mostly at work, but some family members too (how much did you lose this week? Your neck is so skinny, why isn't the weight coming off your behind?) and so on and so forth. I just smile and say thank you. For me personally, I want my outward appearance to mirror how I feel internally. It isn't about the size thing for me either.
You wrote:
"I am so scared, daily, that this is just one more tool that is going to fail." Fear is a powerful emotion, if you invite it in and give it power. After all you've been through, you've proven that you are one solid & strong woman to make it this far. Know you're worth, your strength and resolve. Everything happens for a reason, what you are going through now is preparing you for the incredible blessings that await you. Have faith in your strength and dedication to improve your life - you've already traversed the roughest seas. Life live for today...one day at a time. That's all we can do!!!
Be well & Be Strong,
Tracey in SF
Lap RNY 7/30/04 359/292 - One day at a time
Tracy, you have put everything so eloquently. I'm in awe of how you are "dealing" with this surgery.
I knew many of the things that you said, (in fact, I am going to a therapist to handle all this change and she said much of the same thing to me) and I love how you are able to put it into practice. thank you for reminding me that I need to stop comparing myself to "everyone else" and that I can only take one day at a time. I need to utilize what you (and the therapist) have said...just say thank you and turn my head or start another conversation.
As I read what you wrote, I started to cry and am continuing to do so, because I think I know what you have said ha**** the nail on the head. You are so incredibly postive and what you are doing to encourage a stranger means quite a bit.
Thank you so very much.
Hey Michelle,
I must tell you that I posted here a few weeks ago something entitled "Depressing". I was reacting to the success of others that were into their size 10's and 8's and I permitted myself to feel inadequate by comparison. For me, it's all about reminding myself of the mindset I want, through positive self talk, sticky notes and reading a few fabulous books that keep me grounded. Every once in a while I "fall off the wagon" and have a pity party. That's when I revisit my expectations to ensure they are reasonable and not something that is measured by someone else. Talk about a reality check.
It's going to happen though, this is a long and arduous journey that is going to affect every single aspect of our lives, especially those of us with alot of weight to lose. Our feelings, the way people see us and relate to us is changing as well. You're doing great!! I'm just so thankful that I can vent this stuff here because no one in my life "gets it". I reached out to you because I saw myself in you. Drop a line anytime!!!!
Healthy Blessings,
Tracey in SF
{{{HUGS}}}
I had my surgery on 7/27/04 and I've lost 72 lbs. In reading the recent thread here, I felt I was actually average in my loss, not a slow loser!! You've lost about the same amount of weight as me - so that also makes you average! ;-D
I think how quickly people lose depends a great deal on how big they were before surgery. I was a 'light-weight' and only needed to lose 110 lbs. So I expected to lose less in the same amount of time that someone who needed to lose 200 or 300 lbs would. KWIM?
I can certainly understand your feelings and don't negate those at all, even though my experience has been different. I think it's a normal reaction for folks to notice the obvious physical changes. It's just part of losing weight!
Hang in there and post here to vent any time you need to.
Traci
Thank you too, Traci....
I appriciate the heartfelt comments and thoughts. I was not a lightweight. I weighed 398 at the time of surgery and at the almost four month check up I was down to exactly 348.
Thank you for reminding me that what I have lost is "average"
And what the heck does KWIM mean?
thanks....
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