Anxiety kicking in a bit

I am 14 days away (July 28) and the fear demon is grabbing me at odd moments. I am starting to feel stressed. I am thinking I haven't done a thing to prepare if something awful happens (I"m sure it won't but I feel like I should be preparing responsibly). I am wondering if I should write letters to my kids in case something does happen? I'm also picturing the morning of surgery. I will be a bundle of nerves then if 2 weeks away my feelings are any indication. I am starting to lay awake longer before falling asleep. Thank goodness most thoughts are excited ones, good thoughts about the life I'm about to embark on, the things I will once again be able to do, the way I will so much healtheir down the line. Weirdly I am trying to figure out how to pray in the moments before without embarrassment. You see, I am very private with my spirituality. I'm not one to attend church but I do have a deep relationship privately with God. I don't like 'ritual type' prayers, repetetive ones. I mostly have private conversations at quiet moments. I'm trying to picture the need to have that quiet moment of prayer in the minutes before they knock me out, surrounded by nurses and doctors and other staff bustling around preparing things. I'm also 100% confident that I'll be bawling like a baby. Oddly it wont' be because I am afraid, it will be a release of all the time spent waiting, knowing I am finally doing this for ME after so long. It is a emotional journey for me, as I"m sure it is with many of you. I keep thinking they'll ship me to the psych ward since I won't stop babbling and crying. HAHA Now, being realistic after letting that all out. I"m sure I'll find a quiet moment to have my prayer/talk time with God. I'm sure I'll cry within reason and not come off like a maniac. I'm sure I'll wake up and think all of this was so silly. Yet I'm still a bundle of NERVES HAHAHA ... Anyhow, no need to respond, just needed a place to release and babble on a little! Melissa

Well, Melissa, I think you've just expressed what most of us are feeling. I too am starting to get nervous. I feel very good about my decision to have this surgery, but I think anyone having any surgery has the 'what if I don't make it' feelings. I am trying to focus on the results rather than the actual surgery. Maybe it's denial, but when I had my hysterectomy five years ago, I really didn't think about the surgery part of it until I was being wheeled into the operating room. Then I got scared!! But, I did save myself weeks and weeks of panic. When I start thinking negative thoughts, I just push them from my mind with images of me jogging and swimming and wearing clothes that flatter me...not clothes that hide me. I too have a personal relationship with the God of my understanding, and I talk to my God all day long...'snap me out of this Lord', 'getting a little antsy, Lord - calm me down'...that kind of stuff. My surgeon is a Christian and told me he and his team will pray over me before the surgery and I told him I was fine with that...it certainly can't hurt! I'm kind of a believer of what will be, will be. Hopefully by this time next week, I will be looking forward to being released from the hospital and on my way home to my nice cozy . Hang in there Melissa, we July babies will get through this together!! Hugs, Nancy

Nancy, thank you for responding. I'm not alone! HURRAY!!! I think it is wonderful that your surgeon and his team will be saying a prayer for you! Maybe I will ask if anyone in the room is Christian (as I am, Roman Catholic actually, but at that moment I don't mind who believes what, they all are heard in my opinion ), and if maybe they'd stop for a quick moment to say a silent prayer along with me. I find myself crying at odd moments. Thank goodness they aren't LONG moments. Just brief moments of tears. They are good tears. I'll be looking in my closet at what I have now dubbed my "too fat for words clothes", trying to find something to wear that I'll feel confident in, and I'll think "wow, soon I can get RID of these things and shop for newer/trendier/smaller things" and I'll start to cry. Or I'll be folding my underwear (Which I have not so affectionatly named "granny gitch") and I'll think "wow, Victoria's Secret was my favorite 10 years ago, maybe in another year or two I'll be shopping there again" and I'll picture BURNING the GRANNY GITCH and I'll start to cry. The oddest time at this point (although there were many I admit) was the day I finally splurged on $120 Nike cross trainers. I came home and put those gorgeous, expensive new shoes on and wept! Literally wept! I would NEVER in the past have spent that kind of money on cross trainers. They just weren't needed in my sedentary lifestyle these past years. I felt so guilty at the store paying that kind of money for shoes! Then I came home to put them on (along with my snazzy newly bought 'shorty' socks) and WEPT! I realized that these shoes were the first step in the right direction of taking control of my weight, my health and my life! I swear I'm going to wear these gorgeous shoes to the bare threads, but I will NEVER throw them out. If in later years I notice I'm slacking and gaining a little, I'm going to pull out my batter Nike's and remember the wonderful feeling when I wept with the realization that my life could no longer continue the way it had been for so many years. Isn't life odd? The things that "get to us"??? Melissa

I wish I could bottle up all of my "sense of relief" from being post-op and give it out as some magic potion. I wish someone could have done that for me. Your fears are absolutely normal, but I hope that you can distract yourself enough to push them to the back of your mind until you get REALLY close to surgery, because you're going to find out that you made yourself sick over nothing. I'm NOT coming down on you...I just know what I learned! If you don't believe how scared I was, read my profile... I did write "just in case" letters, only they were notes stating how much I loved them...nothing more. I did leave a note about my daughter's biological father as well, just in case. As for praying, the best time to do it is just as they are putting the mask over your face before you fall asleep. I prayed in my head...no one knew the difference. Finally, on the day of surgery, DON'T BE AFRAID to ask for drugs! That will help you while you wait for your turn in the operating room, which could be quite some time. Good Luck!

Oh, Lord. Melissa - you hit the nail on the head. It is 11:44 am on Thursday before my surgery on Monday 7-19. Since my feet hit the floor at 5:30, I have yet to stop crying. I don't know why - the tears just come. I haven't written anything to my children - but I've thought about it. All my children have decided they have better things (I don't mean better) but other things to do rather than be at the hospital when I have surgery. My baby (13 year old son) asked how I expected him to sit still for 3 or 4 hours. That is just like him. Maybe this is what makes me feel so alone. Maybe I am just being selfish - wanting them to care - wanting a reaction. Heck - who knows. I hate that you are feeling the anxiety but at the same time I am very glad to know that I am not the only one. Good luck to you and please, wish me the same. In God's love, Carla Smith Signal Mtn., TN