I've really been struggling lately ... xpost

I have struggled with whether to share this or not. I don't want people to think badly of me. I absolutely am not interested in being berated or flamed. I do a good enough job of beating myself up. I decided to share this because I think that we have demons that we are fighting at one point or another and I hope that in sharing my own failure and fear that it will help someone else know that they are not alone and that together, we can conquer and learn to manage our weight and the triggers that threaten our weight loss and/or maintenance.

Many of you have known me for a while already know this. Those who are new may not. I struggle with and often succumb to severe, dibilitating Major Clinical Depression. You may notice that at times, I don't post as much. When I'm struggling, I tend to answer posts more and my answers may be very short ... sometimes people mistake this for my being upset with them, but it's that I'm struggling to think and function.

At any rate, as for most folks these days, life is stressful and when you add stress to depression, it makes a nasty combination.

I scared myself yesterday. I was in meltdown mode, crying off and on all day. I had made some cinnamon toast and hot tea for my daughter. I had a small piece. No problem. It's okay. But later, I when meltdown occurred, I had two, count them, two slices of challah cinnamon toast. It was like I was standing outside of myself having an out of body experience as I watched in terror at the old me and my old 'coping' mechanisms in full swing... It was terrifying and I couldn't, wouldn't stop. I just melted further into a deeper puddle of tears with the desperation, anger and guilt that surrounded my unteathered actions. I was amazed at how 'easily' I was able to gobble down the toast and how much I was able to consume. Of course, I didn't come close to dumping.

I was able to get myself stitched back together and I made better choices during most of the rest of the day, but the shear force of the urge to 'comfort' myself with food and then following through as I did, terrifies me and with good reason, I think. I don't want to end up where I was and I know that it's a slippery slope that I fell on. I've picked myself up and am in the process of trying to clean myself up and get back on firmer ground.

Barb!! You will be fine!! You realized what you were doing and stopped.  I know that you are not alone in the thoughts and feelings " Here I go , I am afraid i will be right back there again" I think that is my biggest fear and I am crtain it is your's too.
  You were here for me when I ate all the candy.  You will succeed at this. It was just a one time experience.. and it will not happen again.  Not this particular thing.. but you will face other challenges and will over come them too.
  Keep your chin up kid! 
  You are so much support to all of us.. you probably don't even realize how much you do for others. 
   This is one reason that I think it is important for us to keep this June 2007 board active.. we are at this same stage of our RECOVERY and can understand one anothers needs.
   Take care and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.  Alice

Hi Alice,

Thanks for the support and commiseration. 

Barb

 Barbara,

First off... I think we all struggle and all slip from time to time.  So don't feel alone with this battle.  The key is to recognize it and then put yourself back on track.  It sounds like you have done that.... you are reaching out for support and you are correcting yourself and moving on.

I know I am struggling as well.  Being pregnant and all the hormonal changes going on there are times I just want to eat all my old comfort foods.  Chips, Carbs, and all the wrong things.  Plus my appetite has changed now and I seem to want more food.  So I keep hoping it is all the hormones and after the baby is born things will get back to normal.  But it is a BIG fear.  The last thing all of us want is to go back to the way we were.

I hope this helps to know you are not alone.... and please keep posting.  We all are here to help and we are all interested in what is going on with our fellow Junesters!!

Take care,
Sherri

Hi Sherri,

Thanks for your sweet response and congratulations on your blessing. I'm sure that you are concerned about the weight gain, but I'm sure that if you focus on ensuring that you have the appropriate supplements and focus on protien and complex carbs you will can enough for a healthy pregnancy and be able to take off any excess with the help of that tool that you got you to a place that has allowed you this blessing.

Wishing you every success,

Barb