VERY OT! but way to funny not to share!
This is so off topic and only for those who have a sense of humour!!I received this via email from a friend I laughed so hard I gave myself a headache! I could just picture myself in this situation,So prepare yourselves for a laugh! this is for ladies but I am so sure you guys will get a even bigger laugh out of it.
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner,
play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of
the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel
them
apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the
hair
right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a
genius,
but I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other
stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I
get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull. It
works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I
can
do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of
all
wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I
drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure,
I
apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering
the
right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my
butt
cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I
notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted.
I
think I
may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused
me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the
glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no
hair on
it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I
see
the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which
is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know
I need
to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the
slamming of a cell door. "hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to
figure out
what to do andthink to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to
poop. My
head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Ho****er!! Hot
water
melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottes****er I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it
off,
right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
tub...in scalding ho****er. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a
phone put
in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has
some
secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -
"So,
my
butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly
where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I
should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the
wax
off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies
covered
in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super ho****er and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for
this
event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have
to lose
at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and
despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing
hurts. I
could
have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now thats funny ....... Notttttttttt
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