Hi Sharyn! I'm not going to Lexington. I wish I was going, but since I'm taking the OH cruise to the Hawaiian islands I couldn't afford the time off. Maybe one day some of us Junebugs will meet for a reunion, like our second surgianniversary year. I'm sure you'll have a great time! Lucy

I got my flu shot! This is a big deal for me... I've ALWAYS been terrified of getting the flu shot. You know, all the stories out there from people who get the shot - how they say they came down with a big bad case of the flu right after - or whatever other nightmare stories about it. I was just so dang scared that I would get deathly ill - that I wouldn't get the shot. Well - fast forward to the NOW in my life. I'm down to 122 pounds. I'll admit it out loud (begrudgingly): I'm too thin! I know if I were to get a bad case of the flu at this point, it would be very bad for my health. It would probably hospitalize me. I have been struggling so hard with the acceptance of who I am these days - you know, the who and what I have become since wls.... Let me explain..... I wrote this (below) for someone else who has reached a dangerously low weight after wls (and I dearly love)..... but I wanted to share it with you all because it shows how far I've come mentally and because there maybe others who identify with it: You know my story: In June 2005 I weighed 250 pounds, wore sizes 3x and 22/24 and some 26's. Today, I weigh 122 and wear baggy size 2's in womens clothing and 5's in juniors. Every single person I know tells me I'm too thin. People pester me on a daily basis - checking in to see what I'm eating today. They tell me I have surpassed healthy looking and that I look sickly now. 90% of the time, I think they are NUTS - especially when I look down at my thighs and gut. Then, there is the other 10% of the time. A brief glimpse of myself walking up to a glass door and not believing that the boney skeletal chick with the space between her legs and the shape of her pelvis showing - is ME - like, why doesn't it look that way in MY mirror????? Then, I think back on all the times in my life when I thought I looked good - only to see pictures later that revealed more truth than I was willing to swallow. I wonder, is this the case now? How could so many people be wrong - how could I be the only RIGHT person???? And so..... the battle ensues in my mind - DAILY There's this secret part of me that longs to see that scale drop - like it was doing all along that first year. I secretly long for that THRILL - that RUSH that comes with being the victor over another pound. The truth is, I don't want to gain another pound as long as I live. I want to get as low as I can for FEAR of gaining anything at all in the future. As big a buffer zone as I can get. After years of being the largest woman in the room, I secretly long to be the smallest woman in the room. This is the truth that lurks in the dark recesses of my mind. DAILY I struggle with the reality that everyone around me is right and cares about me. I think of the times when pictures crushed my memories and how I don't want it to happen ever again. These aren't just my pictures, my memories - they are my children's, my husband's, my parents, all of my loved one's too. The REAL truth is that I have an eating disorder - always have - from one extreme to the other. That doesn't make it okay to allow myself to be this way. So, I eat. I love my children. I look deep into their eyes - imagining the many years to come. I envision what it will be like when they reach all the milestones that will come and where I will fit into the picture. I envision the potential joys and sorrows that will come their way. The last thing I want is to be a source of their sorrow - especially not the kind of sorrow that they speak of for the rest of their lives. I imagine my grandchildren. What will they be like? Will I get to know them and love them too? Will I be in their lives long enough for them to remember me always? What if I fall ill? What buffer zone will I have in my weight to sustain me and keep me alive for them, if I already weigh too little and leave my body no resources to pull from? I've seen that happen to someone I loved very much. We lost her. Forever. She never got to meet my children. How that makes my heart ache even to this very day. Am I risking the same? So, I eat. Even when it repulses me. I eat. I have my good days and I have my bad. I average 1600-1800 calories on a good day. It only takes one day of less than 1000 calories or extra excerise and I drop a pound. Sometimes I "toy" with it. Just to see if it still works. I don't know - maybe this is me just trying to prove that I'm in control. My goal is 125-130.... for now. Baby steps. Maybe I'll increase it. I'm still working on it. I have a feeling that I'll always be working on it. This is real. It happens to more of us than are willing to admit. Don't ignore though. Look inward - deep into the dark recesses of your mind - see what you are up to. Look around you. Listen. Envision. Draw yourself a finish line on two separate sheets of paper. On one, put all your skinny desires - on the other nothing about weight - only about the blessings that come from LIFE, living, your family, your hopes. See where the REAL finish line is - and run for that one. [end of my letter to my friend] AND TODAY: I made another great stride in the big world of acceptance and reality. I accept that I am too thin... I accept that a big illness would be dangerous for me. I accept that I need to take action to protect my health and to further my chances of success. I bit the bullet and got the shot. Standby.....I'll let you know if those horror stories are true! they better not be! Hugs, Pam

Awesome pictures Wendy Sharyn

Hey Lucy You know I'm still here. Just returned to work and have been busy. I went and bought some new pants today - they are 14s since they are skin tight, otherwise I can wear a 12. That's a big departure from the size 30/32 I started in. Love ya Sharyn 310/149/148

Hey guys Well, I was 155 lbs and I decided not to obsess over my numbers anymore. I figuered I would loose whatever the plastic surgeon takes off and whatever I loose when the swelling is all gone. Naturally, as soon as I say that, I loose more weight. I'm now 149, am still swollen, and have 15-20 more lbs to come off in the 2nd round of plastics. I went back to work this week and will begin to workout again in about 1 1/2 weeks. Thanks for always being here for me!! I love you all!! Sharyn