Scared to Date

I have been reading about your posts online about many of you venturing out into the world of dating. I am terrified of dating. I am hanging out in a relationship right now because I am terrified of dating. I am engaged to someone that is very moody and can be somewhat verbally abusive from time to time. I stay in the relationship because I am terrified of dating again. How did you find the confidence to go out and date? When I even think about it, I worry about things like.... Should I tell them I had bariatric surgery? What if they only like me because I am thin now? What if I regain my weight, will they not like me? When the time is right to become intimate, how can you explain the excess skin or the scars from Plastic Surgery if you have not told them about the surgery? When is the right time to tell someone about the surgery? I Feel like I look great with my clothes on, but I still struggle with liking me naked. I have never really liked me naked. I just want to reach the point where I don't hate myself naked and I feel somewhat sexy naked. Will I ever get to this point? I made such a huge investment in myself, and I feel that I am short changing it by being with someone that is making me feel really bad at times. How are you ladies overcoming your fears? I want to find some inner courage. I dream of meeting the person that I am truly suppose to be with the rest of my life. I want to feel proud and satisfied with the relationship that I am building with this person. I do not have this with my fiancee right now. Any advice on overcoming fears would be greatly appreciated.

Diana, this is huge. I was like you. If you are to the point of realizing that the man that you are with is "somewhat abusive" (which is still WAY too much!) then you are to the point when you are ready to get out. You are obviously a strong woman to go through the surgery, realize the truth, and seek help from us here on this board. It is hard- I am in the process of a terrible divorce from this same type of man... but it HAD to be done. The divorce is even worse than the relationship was. He tries all the time to tell me that no one will want me, and that I am worthless. It is so hard to hear that but to not actually listen. My self esteem was so far broken down, I didn't feel there was any lower that I could go. I felt so worthless- like no one else in the world would want me. Well, was I wrong!!! I started going out with my sister and some friends- having a good time, and socializing. I have met a lot of guys. They seem to like me for who I am, and I have told several of them about the surgery. I have had different reactions. One guy was kind of a jerk- and said "let's not talk about that anymore." Most guys are nice and say "That's great" or "That's amazing." If they are worth anything, they will accept you for who you really are, and appreciate the struggles you went through. Seriously, and I hope there is no way my "soon to be" ex sees this! I have kind of been having a fling with an amazing guy that is WAY younger than me. Yeah, it will probably never amount to anything- but I am having a great time just "being young and single" again. I have to admit that I do have those struggles with the naked thing. Especially my arms and stomach- I try to keep my shirt on whenever I can. It stinks. I wish I could get plastics done right now. Well, you can always insist that you would rather have the lights off too... Ugh. As far as when you should tell them about the surgery- probably the sooner the better- Maybe not the first hour that you sit down and talk- get a feel for it first, But there's no reason to keep it a secret. It's really not a big deal as far as relationships go- You are a great and wonderful person with so much to offer- the fact that your diet is a little different, or that you used to look different, or that you have a scar on your stomach does not matter. The fact is this: for many people, and I think this is especially true for those of us who have had gastric bypass- it is hard to think of being alone. Most of us have always had someone- many of us have stayed with the wrong person for too long because we thought that we could never do better. We were wrong. There is DEFINATELY someone out there who will appreciate you, find you sexy, and is just waiting to be the man of your dreams. Mine is out there too, he's just um... on vacation right now??... But we will find them. First it is important to realize that you are great by yourself too- you don't need someone else to hold you together. They always say- when you start being yourself, and stop looking, that's when they will stumble into your life unexpectedly... Good luck girl! Stacy 400/225/180

In asking for advise, just remember you did ask, so don't take it personally. It has been many, many years since I left my abusive relationship..however..even then I knew he was the idiot, and there was nothing wrong with me. You cannot let another person's opinion of you dictate the opinion you have of yourself. There are a lot of blank areas not filled in here...like do you live w/ this man? and if so do you rely on him financially to take care of you? and if you have kids, take care of your kids? I ask cuz a lot of women stay with men for these reasons as well. If financially you don't need him, why would you stay with a man that you Know does not mean well by you? Don't get me wrong, even if you need him financially now, I would say find a way to not need him financially. The first step to starting to date, is to get rid of the current person you are with. Once you have done that... as for the dating, well, I am a bit concerned also about the hanging skin, more so than when I was 399. I mean, when I was 399 if a man did not realize there was going to be a whole lot of me naked...then he was just a fool. I can see your point, cuz in clothing, if they don't know you were large before, they aren't going to realize that what they view in clothes will be much different out of clothes. I tell everyone about my surgery. I am not one to just seek out a serious relationship, but if it began, pretty early on I would mention my WLS. I do have some guy friends and they know how much I weighed, and what I weigh now, and that some day I will need plastic surgery to remove skin. I hide nothing. I just am not one of these women who will put up w/ a man belittling me. I am beautiful and sexy. In fact, I had a friend call me last night to tell me her neighbor came over, just to tell her how "friendly and sexy" I am. (I had recently visited my friend) Now, this is a 50+ year old, christian woman. People can read how you feel about yourself. I am not saying I always feel good about myself, and that I don't totally understand how you feel. I really do and I would also hate to start something, only to have the guy turn on me cuz he thought he had a "skinny" girl, only to find out he had a former "fat" girl. I want a guy that wants me, whi*****ludes the person I use to be. I have thin friends that go thru hell with their men. They can never be thin enough, pretty enough, good enough.. and it takes a toll on them. If you allow someone to dictate to you how you should be and how you should feel about you, they will not only do that, but do it w/ a vengence that will destroy you. People like that feel they care about you, but honestly they don't. Mind you, honestly, I don't date heavy men. I have never been attracted to them, nor have they ever been attracted to me. So in a way, I guess I discriminate. However, I have dated plenty of men that were not "my type" and that is because their personality was so attractive. Recently a guy that is just a friend has really come on to me... I keep reminding him I am not his type... (his type is the perfect model type)... and he is to the point that he said he is so terribly attracted to me?? Huh? But, because I know I was never his type before, I really am not interested. I don't doubt his interest though. It is a saying we all know...love yourself and others will love you. When I look in the mirror, I see beauty. It took me getting larger to find that person in me, as when I was smaller I did not. Honestly, I am not sure that God has a mate for me to be w/ forever.... so I try to be happy with me, and if I'm blessed with someone, then so be it. I certainly hope you find the beauty and love within yourself to understand that you don't "need" a man to feel loved. We all have needs and desires for love, but it is not bestowed on us all. Losing the weight will get you more men attracted to you, but that doesn't mean they will be right for you. Truly, I hope you find what you are looking for, but the first step is to make your current situation a positive one for yourself. Good luck w/ that.

Kelli Jo Thanks for the response. It is an interesting situation really. I do live with him. Is it for financial reasons? Yes and No. I make really good money---I make $80,000 a year. I only have two real debt payments---a car payment and a student loan payment. After my divorce six years ago, I went through a bit of a financial hardship and I had to file bankruptcy. To this date, I am still trying to rebuild my credit. Because of this, I was paying 18% on my car loan. It is a bit of a strange thing because now I make excellent money---when he left me I only made $45,000 and was unable to afford the lifestyle that we had created on two incomes. Now, I have increased my income to $80,000 in about six years; however I still struggle to get my credit back in line. Part of this is my own fault, because after I filed bankruptcy I had a bad attitude such as "I don't care" now that I am bankrupt so I had some delinquent accounts after bankruptcy. If I had played it smart, I would have been able to rebuild my credit in about 2 years after bankruptcy. Now, I sit here with about a 550 credit score. I am telling you all of this because it leads me to where I am at currently. When we met, I was unable to buy a house because of my credit so I started renting a house for $1000 a month. As we continued to date, I shared with him about my situation. He told me that he wanted me to win financially and with the money that I make I could overcome this. He encouraged me to move in with him. He said that I was just living pay check to pay check. Which is really true in the end, by the time I had paid rent, utilities, and car payment, student loan, insurance, etc. I really only had about $500 to $600 extra a month. Plus, with investing $1000 in a rental I was just throwing money away with no equity. He wanted me to move in with him and pay off my car and student loan so that I would have even more money. He also wanted me to be able to save money which I never really had saved anything. It all sounded good so after about 10 months into the relationship I decided that what he was saying made sense. Maybe I could overcome this once and for all. With his help, I refinanced my car it dropped the payment from $556 to $387. Now more money goes to interest rather than principle. In about a year, I have paid about an additional $3500 toward my car. I have maxed out my 401K. I now have close to $20,000 in my retirement. I started a 529 college fund for my niece. She has over a $1000 in her account now. However, it has been a year. My credit score went from about 448 to 556 in about a year---not good enough to buy a house on my own still. I also don't have a lot of savings because I have been buying new clothes since my weight loss. This has been expensive! Also, I had not had a vacation for six years since my divorce so I took advantage of this time to treat myself to a couple of vacations. When my company sent me to California I took advantage of the situation to take an extra week and tour Napa/Sonoma/Monterey. Then in September, we went to Can****ogether. I paid for everything for this trip. So I have done a lot in the past year; however, I am still not where I need to be financially. Now, I find myself wanting to save for my Plastic Surgery. Well, the verbal attacks only happen about once or twice a month. All in all---he is nice 70-80% of the time. When he gets mad, it is over stupid stuff. Once I salted the popcorn too much at the movies and he said that I "fu**** demented". He shoved the popcorn at me and would not talk to me the rest of the movie. He has called me a "crazy *****" several times. He does all of this in a rage and then either a few hours later or the next day he is really affectionate. A few months ago I had really had it, and I was going to move out. Well, he convinced me that I was so close to winning financially that if I left I would never get ahead and that I would always be paying rent and living pay check to pay check. He told me that he loved me so much that he wanted me to finally beat this thing. He told me that I could leave him anytime, but why not wait and get everything sorted out financially. (This is really true in the end. I would never had been able to afford all of the things that I have experience over the past year on my own with everything else.) With no credit, I am forced to pay cash for everything. I now have about $2400 extra a month after paying bills. This could easily be used to save for my Plastic Surgery and pay cash. This could be used to save a 20% down payment on a house which is what I would need since I cannot get traditional financing. I also know what it is like to live on my own. I have done this for six years. This last year has seemed like a much needed vacation for me financially. It has been nice to be able to buy designer clothes and to take a trip to Nappa and Cancun. I would never have been able to do this trying to make it on my own. So yes I stay.....because I like the life that I can have without paying for everything on my own. However, there are times when I feel trapped and I hate the life that I have because I long to know if there is someone out there that can be what I want them to be and to treat me the way that I want to be treated. It is much easier splitting the costs with someone than trying to do it all on your own. You know I look at other relationships and they don't seem to be any better. There are some really messed up relationships out there. I keep telling myself that I can endure this moment in time because in the end I am going to finally be at a place where I can make my life the way that I truly want it to be. Can you understand this at all? I want to be happy again. I was happy one time in my life. I know that I can be happy again. (Trust me. I can live alone. I have lived on my own for over six years.) I am ready to share my life with someone though. Is there something wrong with this? I am a well accomplished woman who has had some really bad luck and I have made some poor choices, but I know the type of life that I want to build for myself. I do feel beat down though. I feel beat by life. This surgery has at least made me feel hopeful. It has made me feel that it might not be too late for me to find a high quality relationship. I have some hope coming back into my life. If I could just endure for a little while longer. If I could just get through September, then I think I would be ready to move on financially. I just really want to be able to afford my Plastics. Is this crazy?!!! In the end though, I think it is a small sacrifice to a greater reward. However, I do think he knows my weakness and he plays to my weakness. Because of this, I know that deep down inside he is controlling. He seems to pull this card out and play it at the right times. Does this sound familiar to you? I know what is happening.....I am smart enough to know the game. I am just hoping I can play along long enough to walk away and come out the winner in the end without losing myself. Can you relate to this at all? Sorry for the long message, but I needed to get all of this off my chest. Thanks for listening. I have found such kindness on this message board. I really appreciate the kindness. Diana

Hi, Since you emailed me this also, I replied thru email. But like i said, it really sounds like you are very intelligent and have a good plan of action to obtain all you desire. Good luck!

Hi Diana, It took me years to get to this place. I always thought I had to have a man around when I was younger so I put up with an icky husband far too long. The best thing I ever did for myself was be alone for a good while, and really learn to like myself. When I had my surgery, my weight was the ONLY thing major I had left to work on... So, I am really, really ready to date. I am being very picky and have narrowed it down to 4 really nice guys. I insisted on my profiles (Match.com and Craigslist.com) that no one contact me that wasn't interested in a woman who is confident, and strong with her own career that would like an old fashioned dating situation (read no sex until I get to know them well). That weeded out the creeps and left me with some really nice men to choose from. Now, I am not worried about the skin and stuff because I am not going to have sex with anyone until they know me well, love me, accept me and know my story. It is self esteem and confidence that got me here and I worked on it for years (I'll be 51 years old tomorrow). You will get there and the first step is to get rid of the abuse in your life and start loving yourself!!! Good luck! Hugs, Jo

Well i hope you don't think this is off topic. Because truly it is not. It sounds like you need to take some time to be by yourself. Get comfortable again in your own skin and gain the confidence you can get by being on your own again. And i think the dating thing will come naturally. Right now there may be someone interested already who knows all these dark secrets you are worried about. But because you are with someone and not on the proverbial market that opportunity is not there. But i think it sounds like after your divorce and a bad relationship you need some time to rediscover who you are again without a man to give you those opinions. So i guess my advice is get rid of him, don't replace him YET. Get on your own two feet again and begin to enjoy the attention you will get when your self confidence soars. I think you will be amazed at how much better you feel without the negativity from this guy who is scared to death you will leave him. He treats you poorly to make you think you can't do any better. Bottom line.. you will be better off feeling good about who you are and can become. Good Luck and remember God wants us all to be happy people. We need mates that support and uplift us. The world can do a good enough job of dragging us down. We need our home support to lift us up again.

You have gotten some GREAT advice here. Everyone seems to be saying the same thing if you really want to hear it. My experience amounts to this. I was married to an ass and I left after putting up with WAY too much. I am now HAPPY. I am married to a man that loved me at 400 lbs and loves me now with all my skin and everything. But I had to be willing to leave the ass and be all alone and learn to be independent before I could appreciate a man that truly was a "good guy". Women that don't learn to love themselves end up back with the same kind of relationships. If you want different, you have to become different and that takes work first. Wendy