A WOW or a WAKE UP CALL?

Is this a WOW or a wake up call? All of my size 6 pants have gotten too big, so I set out to get some smaller pants to wear to work today. I went to Ross, where they only had 3 pairs of size 4 bright green jeans. Nothing else. I looked around at the sea of clothing and was just shocked that all those racks of pants were too big for me. I pulled my cell phone out and called one of my girlfriends and said "You're never going to believe this...nothing in this store is SMALL enough for me!!" We got a laugh out of it and I moved on. I went to Belk. I found a couple of smaller sizes in the junior department that would be great if I were a child going to school. "Weird" I thought. So I left Belk and went to J.C. Penny's. I searched and searched. I couldn't find anything smaller than a size 6. I just stood in the center of the isle in the center of all the clothing...and just turned slowly in a circle with my jaw hanging wide open, tears welling up in my eyes... all I could say was "Oh, my God." The clerk saw me and asked me if everything was ok. I said, "Yes, I'm just a little surprised and overwhelmed" and she asked about what... I said "Do you have anything smaller than a size 6 to wear to work?" She took me to the career section and showed me just a few things that came in a size 4. There was nothing smaller than a 4. As I sifted through the racks, it began to sink in. I have been in this very store and left in tears because there was nothing BIG enough to fit me. Now, here I am at the total polar opposite of the spectrum. I was just in total and complete awe...then in fear. Is this a sign? I went into the dressing room where one whole wall was a mirror. The strangest thing happened. I came face to face with a woman I swear I never met before. I just stood there staring at her. This is me? I put on the size 4 pants and a small shirt. The pants were a little baggy but they would work. I looked in the mirror. Again, all I could do was stare with my mouth open. This is the same mirror that I have cursed. The same mirror that left me in tears with its unrelenting truth about how fat I really was. The same mirror that made me leave that store never wanting to try clothes on again or buy clothes again because it was pointless. There was no way I could hide how big I was under those clothes. But now, staring back at me in this very mirror is a complete stranger. She's beautiful. She looks tall and slender, even shapely. She's glowing. I can't believe the woman looking back at me - is me. I bought the size 4 dress pants, a blue small shirt, a peach small shirt, and an Xsmall skirt. I left the store excited about the new sizes but the experience is weighing heavily on my mind. I don't look sick or too thin. Will I know if I am I getting too thin? How small is too small? I still feel like I need to lose more weight. Is the excess skin really the issue? Where will I shop? As much as all of this weighs on my mind, I can't help but think of the woman I saw in the mirror. I really want to keep her. Pam

Pam, Bless you. This is a DEFINITE WOW! I know how you feel. Every morning when I pick up my pants to put them on, I look at them and don't even want to try because they are entirely too small. Then I try them, and they aren't. I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Now my 8's are getting too big. I never thought I'd be here, either. People are telling me to not lose any more, that I don't look like myself anymore. But I look just like I did before the weight, and my doc wants 10 more lbs. I don't even mention that my goal is another 10 lbs. after that. Or that I really need PS for the skin they can't see. This is not a body dysmorphic disorder. This is healing. Still. We have so much abuse of ourselves to forgive, and we have to come to terms with the bodies we have now. It's so HARD, and NO ONE who hasn't been here can understand. People want us to be the same as they remember. It's not that they wish us ill. And didn't you always hate the girl that couldn't find clothes small enough for her? Society has gotten so fat, it's not in the best interest of stores to carry smaller sizes. That's also why a size 8 now is so much bigger than the last time I wore an 8, more than a decade ago. When you find the smaller sizes, snatch them up! But from experience, don't complain about your clothes being too big. No one, even your best friend wants to hear it. But we do! We want to help you celebrate! The best answer for pants is the GAP. It's hard to find dressier ones there, but it can be done if you're persistent. And clearance racks are a great place too. The "odd" sizes are always left at the end of the season. I'm waiting on a call from my truly super model skinny friend to find out her suggestions. She's got it down to an art form, but I want to say Dillards is her most consistent spot. You are amazing. Wasn't this the best decision you'd ever made? Have a great one! Kristie

Thanks, Kristie. This absolutely the BEST decision I have EVER made in my life! I am so very thankful. I kinda felt like it was a wow...but because I've had so many people telling me to stop losing wieght AND finding out that people at work have been talking about me behind my back about how I've lost too much weight and look sick - I got scared! I thought "OMG they're right!" Like not being able to find anything small enough was a SIGN that I've gone too far. BUT I have been smaller as an adult. The sizes have definitely changed. People ask me if I want to lose more weight and i tell most of them NO - but the truth is that my goal is 125. I actually want to wear 2's and 4's. I feel so self-concious about it because I feel like people are thinking that I am sick in the head or something...but I have a small frame. Yes, I DID hate the people (more like i was jealous) who complained about their clothes being too big, or not being able to stop losing weight. I don't hate anymore. I see now that it is a real mental challenge no matter what your background is. BUT because I remember feeling that way, I called my size 2 friend who would understand and not hate me for it AND so she could tell me where to go! I'm just so damn happy...but I guess it still lingers in my mind... Will I stop losing? Will I go too far? I'm so in awe. I really never believed that i would make it to this point and I guess it's slow sinking in. Looks like it's time to go to the MALL!! Hugs, Pam

Pam, you're the best. See, this forum is just as relevant as back when we were comparing mystery pains and vitamin information. We have so much coping to do, and other people just don't get it. I can't imagine a time when we won't need this support network! You are doing great, and your body will let you know when it's time to back off. Just don't walk around naked, or you'll traumatize all the young 'uns. At least if you look like I do with no clothes Stay healthy - not fat! Kristie

Kristina! Walking around nekked is definitely NOT an option!! Talk about trauma! All those waggin tongues would roll right up and hide! Yes, this journey will never be over. We are probably always going to need each other. Pam

could be a WOW, for sure! or could be a wake up call, depends on how you REALLY feel. for me, this would be a wake up call. yes, you have touched on one of my OTHER issues! god, i feel like such a head case! all the while i am reading your post, i think - oh no, my 6's still fit me. i have a couple things in size 4, but yes my 6's still fit me! when i started this, i said i never wanted to get smaller than a 6, that was my goal size i guess. but now of course that i have a couple 4's, i think size 4 is ok, but i wouldn't want to be a size 2. i still look at people and think, "wow she is really too thin". i truly believe i do not want to be "too thin", but the problem is not being able to see myself the way other people see me. how will i know if i am getting too thin, when i always think i am fat? ahhh, alas another problem! well, now that i have told ya how i think this would make me feel and reading your post again, i think for you this was a definite WOW! you are beautiful and glowing and all of those things you saw in the mirror! believe it, girl!!! hugs~mary jo

It was wild MJ. I really was shocked when i shut that dressing room door. I guess because i don't have a full length mirror at home, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears, chills and all. So with all the 'sizing' on my mind and all the voices of my friends and co-workers in my head - i really stared at and studied myself. I didn't see what they were talking about and instead, was surprised to find out that I looked better than I thought i did. (that sounds so self-centered and conceited - but trust me, I'm totally NOT) I think it was more that I wa**** with the reality that I'm NOT 250 pounds anymore and I have a face that isn't ROUND. I can't explain it - it was just wierd. But my big fear gained in all this, is that maybe I can't trust myself to be the judge anymore. Like, here I am in a 4 and it's baggy - so I'm convinced I want to be in a 2. Do I really??? I just don't know anymore. Then I justify it in my mind that because my thighs are still so huge, that I'm not being unreasonable. AND i catch myself looking at women who are smaller, and thinking "I bet no one is telling her she's too skinny - she looks good." So am I mental mess? I think if I got all the excess skin taken away - i would be satisfied....but I can't afford to do all of that. I'm getting arms and boobs done. Today, hubby saw me bend over (nekked) and saw how all my skin from my boobs to my yaya just hung and dangled. He said "You need to get that taken care of." Well, no duh! He said maybe next year at tax time. I guess by then my weight will have balanced out somewhere. I'll believe him when he shows me the money!! Hugs, Pam

First of all i am so very far form a 6.. or a 4 for that matter BUT, i think the results of the surgery have happend so fast that it is hard for our head to keep up. I have finally hit the point that i am an average fat and not a morbidly scarey fat. Kids don't stare at me like i a a circus freak anymore. But yet i still am in my mind. I still check all the seating in restaraunts to see if i think i will fit in the booths or if the arms have chairs... i still use the handicaps stall for fear i wont be able to shut the door or have to stand on the toilet to shut the door in the small stall. I think with many of us our minds are still fat. So it is so easy to wake up every day and have these moments that she refers to. I figure it took a long time to program our brains that we were fat.. it may take just as long to un program them. I guess the point to my rambling is we may not ever see ourselves how others see us. If there are self esteem issues present we will still only see what our self esteem allows us to see. The true surgery for us all to get is the one on our eyes and brains to see what others see. Or at least we coudl all make a million dollars on a pair of glasses that helps us see those things. HA I see in both of you ladies women who have worked and sacrificed very much to get where they are and they do not want to lose that. And there is nothing wrong with that. I see two women who had been a wonderful support to those of us who are in need of it.

Paula, I thought I was the only person in the world that either didn't fit in a bathroom stall or was just too plain ditzy to figure out how to get in there without being a contortionist! I always went for the handicapped for that very reason too. You bringing this up just made me realize that I haven't had to straddle the commode the shut the door in a long time!! Hey, THAT'S a WOW! Thanks, Paula - you are just wonderful yourself! Hugs, Pam

Gosh Pam, this is a toughie. I know that when I look in the mirror, I don't see what reality is. My problem has always been that I didn't see myself getting bigger. Now that I've lost so much weight, and I look back at my old pics, I think, "How could I not have seen it?" But, I didn't. Even now, I have to have my hubby take pics about twice a month of me~ full length. I have to see them on the computer to see what reality is because I just don't see it when I look in the mirror. I have always thought that I was thinner than I am, probably because I didn't grow up heavy, and didn't get out of control until late college. I don't know if that would be of any help to you, the taking pics and seeing them for yourself. I know that my view of reality is distorted, when it comes to my size. Maybe yours is as well. It must be so exciting to be in those small of sizes, but you do want to be healthy as well. It sounds like you are really trying to be careful and meet your goals. I'm so happy for you that you are seeing yourself positively. Maybe your husband can be a sounding board as well if he can see objectively. Also, I can't wait to hear about your PS. I will have to have the same things done when I get down to my goal...which I must say seems like it will never come!! Keep us up to date on how it's going. We love ya!!! Hugs, Kerri