6 Year Anniversary of my Divorce
Well...ladies today is the 6 year anniversary of my divorce. I guess this still serves as a landmark event because my life has never really moved on in terms of the love department. I have had two failed relationships since then nothing of any great feeling though. I was not really vested in any of them.
Now I find myself engaged to someone that I think I was just settling for because I didn't think anyone would really want me since I was fat. I even had one guy tell me that my weight was what bothered him the most. He told me that he could not figure out how someone could be so successful ----great job, Master's degree, but how they could be so out of control with weight.
So now that I am wearing a SIZE 6 I find myself wishing I could compile a list of the people that have hurt me in the past so that I could find them---somehow just "accidently run into them" and let them see me now---as a size 6. I just want to somehow "show them" what they missed out on.
I guess this sounds awful, but does anyone else feel like this? I was hurt so bad by men in the past that I want to just be a little bit of a Bi### now I guess.
I guess I want to rub it in their faces a little. I want to be able to say ...See look at me.....I guess I didn't turn out so bad. Now maybe you will regret the way you treated me.
I know this is negative energy, and I should not be spending my time with this. We have to let go of this and move forward I am sure, but is there anyone out there that can identify with this at all?
Does anyone have some anger surfacing that is related to being so openly hurt and rejected by people because of your weight?
I understand the feelings you are having, however, because you look better, does not mean people will treat you better. If someone is a jerk, they are a jerk whether you are fat or thin.
Just because they might act differently does not mean you would win any contests or anything. They are still jerks and you are better off not having them in your life. If your fiance is a jerk, you need to evaluate what to do about that relationship.
People can be hurtful and I personally have isolated myself to a small circle of loved ones. I may branch out more now, or I may not. But one thing is for certain, I will NEVER put up with anyone who does not respect me again, and I hope you can do the same.
I wish you luck and peace and hope you can forgive and move on having joy in your new life!
Wendy
Oh, can I ever relate! I love ( in my sick little way) to flaunt my "skinny" self in front of everyone (and their hubby's) who's treated me differently because of my weight. I still move in the same circles, but people do tend to be much nicer to me now. I take a lot of self pleasure in being the EXACT SAME person as before but getting such a different response. It's really not as sick as it sounds, and I talk fairly often about how people do react differently to me - especially to the catty women that do it! I'm not flirting with the hubbies, and I have no interest in any of them, but the wives notice them noticing. Maybe that's why they're nicer - "...keep your enemies closer". The folks I'm talking about have never been friends.
I'm so fortunate to have such a great hubby who has been with me through thin and thick and thin again. I feel like he is now reaping the rewards for loving me through the weight issues. This success is as much his as mine, in my opinion, because he has been so supportive without pressure for so long. When we dated and got married, weight wasn't a big self-esteem issue for me. That happened later.
My advice to you, not that you're asking, is to learn to love yourself. It really sounds like you need time to get to know yourself without the feelings of failure being fat cause. (I'm projecting my own feelings on to you - I'm assuming your experience is much like mine.) It takes time. Once you get to know and like yourself, you can find someone who loves the real you, too. Maybe your current guy will make you fall head over heels with him once he realizes how amazing you are. Maybe not.
Good luck with whatever happens. Part of the camradrie of this board is not only the journey with healing our physical bodies, but healing our souls as well. It's a long journey, and one that can't really be understood by someone who hasn't "been there".
Have a great weekend!
Kristie
Oh Diana! I think many of us have been in your shoes. People who have never experienced obesity like we have can not seem to comprehend what a struggle it really is. they just think "Why don't you just stop eating?" It is so much more complicated than that. I have had so many people be rude and insensitive right to my face, including my own husband. Before my surgery, he had said things to me like "Just look at you! I am embarassed to go in public with you. You disgust me." You can imagine how that killed off the last fragments of my tiny self esteem.
Since the surgery last June, I have dropped from 400 lbs down to 239 lbs. This is by no means skinny, but I feel that I am looking great. People are WAY nicer to me. I do feel that I can see through some of them, and I feel like I can tell that some of them would be ignoring me if I were still at 400. There is one guy in particular who is a "friend of a friend" who keeps calling me fat behind my back. I have confronted him about it, told him what I have been through, and told him that he should really knock it off- it's just being hurtful, etc. I even showed him my license picture which is still 400 lbs. I said - "Now THAT's fat!!!" and he agreed- but then proceeded to talk about me again at a party a few weeks later. You see- people like that will never change. I have been trying my hardest to put this out of my head, but the truth is, it has given me even more motivation. I nearly went to McDonalds the other morning for a breakfast burrito (hangs head in shame) but I thought about this guy and turned onto another street, stopping by the grocery store for a healthier choice. I guess I am trying to "show him" or something. It's reallly hard just to put these people out of your mind and focus on the positive- but we will make it through. By the way... my husband doesn't know this yet... but I think there will be a divorce. I don't think that anyone who said these things to me in the past should be able to "reap the bennefits" with me now! so there. Whew. Thanks for letting me get all of that off my chest! Good luck with your "negative energy" and trying to focus it on the positive things. give your hubby a hug for standing by you through those tough times- true support is one of the luckiest things you can have!
Stacy
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