IS ANYONE ELSE NERVOUS ABOUT DATING AGAIN?

I have not dated in quite sometime now mainly because I was overweight and ashamed of my body. Now that I have slimmed down quite a bit I am seeing the same insecurities. Only now I am nervous about how someone would react to my extra skin. The weird part is that it is not that bad I just think that I am a little more weight conscious now. I know that sounds weird but I really am. I was wearing 22's and 24's and now I am in 12's and 14's but I am weight conscious. I have been overweight for ten years now and I feel really weird going back to my old self although I am not quite there yet. I was a size 8 until I was 23 years old. Then after I had my daughter I was a size 10/12 when I found out my husband was cheating I gained weight each year. And the rest is history. Don't worry I got rid of that looser about 6 years ago. Unfortunately, the pattern of overweight wasn't as easy to get rid of as he was. I feel like I have been single long enough but can't get past my imperfections. So when guys ask me out I can't accept because I'm afraid of their reaction when they see what's hiding underneath. I know if they can't accept me for who I am I shouldn't give them the time of day but it is not that easy. It is much easier to say no from the beginning. I thought about surgery but decided I can't deal with going through another surgery at this point. I was very depressed after this one. Believe me I am not insecure I get more offers than I can handle. Guys are always telling me I am beautiful. I know that but it doesn't change the way I feel inside. Is there anyone else out there experiencing the same feelings? If so, how are you dealing with it?

Lawanda, I am married, but if you read my last post you will see that we are all going through these insecurities. I am going to counseling tomorrow, I decided to start finding out what my issues are and how to deal with them. It goes much deeper than being nervous about things. I think we were fat for many reasons and how we learn to cope now is going to determine how successful we will be with our long term loss and maintenance. You may wish to consider counseling also, sometimes unless we deal with past issues we continue to date losers as a pattern. Maybe counseling, before dating, would be a good idea for you. Wendy

I have considered counseling but I don't really see that happening as I have gone to counseling before and didn't feel they were really listening. I felt more as though they were using skills that were taught to them in school and following steps to successful counseling as opposed to putting themselves in my shoes. I think once I get past the first time of someone seeing my body I can move on after that. I also think one of my problems is that I have avoided looking at myself for so long and now with my body changing so frequently I am forced to look at it more often. Though it is getting better I don't always like what I see. I have gone on a few dates with someone. I met him in dec 2005 and dated him through feb 13th. No I couldn't even make it to valentines day. I didn't feel comfortable letting him kiss or even hold me for fear that he would be disguisted when he felt my arms of stomach. Although he told me on a daily basis I was beautiful and smart and enjoyed spending time with me. He was very sweet and posessed gentleman like qualities much more than the average man. However, he was nigerian and muslim and was very into his religion. I ended it because of two reasons 1.) he was muslim and I didn't see us having a future together because I think he ultimately wants to marry a muslim which I will "never" be. 2.) I am not very trusting, I think if someone is too good to be true, then it isn't true. So I ended it before I could get hurt. On my birthday he not only bought me a gift but gifts for both of my children and not only did he call me to check on me everday but he asks to speak to my children and conversed with them about their day as well. But I know that ultimately we can not be together so why get in if knee deep and then get out? I do hope we can still be friends though. As I would love to have a male friend and he seems ideal.

Your post really hit home with me. I am scared to death about dating and being rejected. Your story broke my heart because we have so many similar things about our life. I too was married. I was married for six years and my husband cheated on me too. My divorce was final in 2000 so it has now been six years. I have been in a relationship for almost two years now. It will be two years in July. In fact, we are engaged. I got engaged in November. However, all along I felt like I was settling for him because I feared ---because of my weight---that I could not get anyone better. Now that I am losing the weight. My mind is starting to wonder if I could find what I truly want in a relationship. However, I think I wrote on here in a earlier post about how he was treating me badly---calling me names, losing his temper, very moody. (He has not been this way since December though.) This is what really prompted me to think about dating other people, but now I justify not leaving because he has been nice to me for two months straight now! (Big deal right?!!) Like he should get a prize for this! However, I have not been able to make the move to leave him and begin dating others because I am terrified. I look in the mirror, and I am so critical. I will not even consider dating until I get my breasts fixed. I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon in April. I also have decided that a tummy tuck would be nice too. I also would like my arms fixed, and I am still considering my legs. I wonder if I will ever be satisified with my body. It seems that I am constantly at odds with it! I look great in clothes, but I too dread the thought of being intimate with someone new. At least my current boyfriend does not complain. He says that it does not matter to him. Of course his comment is rather crude to describe this---He tells me that men do not look at those things. They are just happy getting laid and that "***** is *****". How lovely is that? I have thought that I could date again, but I would just tell the person that I am super religious and that I don't believe in pre-maritial sex. Do you think that would fly in today's day and age? This way I could keep my clothes on until we walk down the ailse and he would have no choice at that point! Keep in touch! I would love to know how you are working through this issue. I am haunted every day. I stay in a relationship because I am afraid to move on. However, one of the reasons that I had the surgery was so that I could feel good about myself and possibly find a fulfilling relationship with another person. After my divorce, I dated and I was constanly rejected by men because of my weight. It hurt and it lowered my self esteem to 0 or negative something! I use to have high self esteem---even when I was married and became overweight I still had good self esteem. It wasn't until after my divorce and my "episode with dating". I actually have started to resent men a little. If I am accepted now, I will almost be just as angry because I will be thinking---I am still the same person inside! I will always wonder if it all about the outside really. In the end, is it all about appearance? Thanks for posting such an honest post. I look forward to hearing back from you. I want to know how you are doing. Maybe I will find courage...or perhaps we could find the courage together. Take care D

D Girl i feel you. I don't judge anyone else's relationship because i know it is never as easy as it seems to leave someone. Even if we know they are not right for us. Love is a powerful thing. I loved my ex so much and hated him so much at the same time i couldn't tell which was more powerful. Sometimes I think we hold on for fear that we may meet someone worse of just fear of the unknown. I invested 12 unhappy years years with my ex I could have made it work. But the question was do I invest 12 more years with him or 12 new ones with someone else. Life ends before you know it and i didn't want to waste my precious days on him. If we were meant to be we will find our way back into eachothers lives. But i certainly don't have time to wait around and see. I even thought that if i treated him extra good and catered to his every need mentally and physically that would make him realize what he had at stake. But it was never about that. He wanted to sort his manly oates. As far as the statement you friend made "***** is *****" I really hate that statement. But i can't really blame them for saying how they really feel. At least that is honest. Though, i don't know where they have been because "Dick is cartainly not Dick to me." There is definitely a difference. I guess sex is a beginning of something to us and sex is sex to them. It's like our vagina talks to our heart which talks to our brain. Then we want to cuddle and plan events together and spend quality time. And they want a cigarette and want to know what time the game is starting. I say we grow some "balls" too. I say we drop by put it down on them roll over get out of bed and leave, not return their calls and keep us a spare tire. Then they will see things differently. And as far as the thing about men buying the pre-marital sex thing i don't think so. That went out with the Daisy dukes. When women started giving it up without a ring on their finger it ruined it for all of us. Why should someone marry you to sleep with you when women are giving it up for free? I don't believe in pre-relationship sex though. As long as we are friends you are not entitled to anything. You have to earn it. If we develop into a relationship then i may let you test the waters. Taking me out on a couple of dates and buying a few drinks doesn't cut it with me. I have been seeing a friend since dec 16th. I spend the night, we cuddle, we go places together etc. But we are friends because i wanted to take it slow. But we are approaching 3 months in a couple of weeks and i am growing impatient so i may release the goodies real soon. As far as staying in a relationship because you are too afraid to move on. Girl, i know you didn't go through all this to settle. I dumped someone in july (my surgery was in june)because he was being negative and i told myself surely someone else will do what he want. So i said goodbye to him and hello to a new and happier me. It was hard at first but i must say that after the tears came a smile. I haven't been this happy in a long time. HOLLA AT YOUR GIRL...............