DEPRESSED...

i feel like i could only post this here, not always sure what i will get back on the main board. but my junebugs are very understanding... i am not fishing for compliments, i don't even really want anyone to disagree with me. i just need to write how i am feeling. i was going to update my pic, so i was having the kids take pictures for me. every picture they took, i wanted to throw up. each picture i looked at, all i could see was FAT. is this feeling ever going to go away? i really don't feel good when i look at myself in the mirror or in pictures...and i WANT to. honestly, people at work compliment me everyday and in my head i think they are just being nice, or they are just used to seeing me like i was before so this is an improvement. i don't know guys. i feel like an ass for even posting this being 133 lbs, but please don't let that take away from the way i am feeling. i am crying over this, i hate the thought that i may ALWAYS hate me and will never be happy. how will anyone ever love me, if i can't even love myself? sorry for the pity party, i just want to know that maybe deep down someone else is feeling this way, too. thanks for listening...

I know you didn't want a compliment, but you do look great! Be proud of yourself for what you KNOW you have accomplished even though your brain can't see it yet. It takes so much longer for our brain to catch up with the actual body. I know for some it doesn't ever catch up all the way. I have just started seeing it a little bit more, but then I'll look in the mirror before getting into the shower and think, OH MY GOD, how gross, but I know it doesn't really look as bad as it does to me. We will get there. I'm surprised the pictures didn't help as opposed to the mirror. Maybe if you took a really fat picture of yourself and a skinny one like you are now and put them side by side and hang them on the refrigerator. Keep it there for a long time and maybe that will help work it into the subconscious. I think our brain sabatoges us so many times. Just know that you are a success and have worked hard to get where you are right now. Even if our bodies don't look like a runway model, we look great. The light will come on one day and our brain will let us see the real person very soon. Give it a little more time. Good luck and you do look awesome.

thanks for your reply tammy. i hear what you are saying. i am much more impressed with things like the numbers on the scale and sizes. good god, when i am getting in the shower...forget about it! i get so disgusted about my tummy, i look and think it doesn't look any different. but that is probably my fault anyways, i haven't exercised like i should have, but i have started to now. better late than never! i hope you are right, i hope our minds catch up someday! thanks again! hugsssssss

Hi Mary Jo, Sorry you're feeling blue. We need to keep in mind that the reasons we got heavy in the first place didn't really revolve around food, but around our feelings. You have gone through soooo much in the last 7 months. I think your head has not had a chance to catch up with your body yet. You can't just change all of those feelings in a short amount of time. Hang in there and cut yourself a break. You will be happy with yourself, but it takes work just like the changes in your body have taken work. If you're not in a support group, I would definitely find one in your area. They can be such a great help. Also, I'm considering finding a counselor that deals specifically with eating issues. I don't know if that's a possibility for you, but it's worth considering. No matter what, you have value and are worthy of loving and being loved. You had that at your original weight and you have that now. And, by the way, people are not just being nice to you... you look absolutely amazing!!! I don't think I'll ever be in the 130's, but it's a nice dream. Take care and email me if you'd ever like to vent! Kerri

hi kerri, thanks for replying. maybe i should try to go to a support meeting, they hold them once a month in the hospital. i have always been afraid to go, because i was a "lightweight" and i dread hearing the "she didn't need this surgery" comments. i went and met someone in my town that i met thru OH, and i got that comment. makes me feel bad. but i should try to go at least once or maybe ask my dr if he knows a therapist that deals with wls patients specifically. thanks for the offer to email, sometimes i really do just want to vent! hugssssssss

Hi Mary Jo, Sorry you're feeling blue. We need to keep in mind that the reasons we got heavy in the first place didn't really revolve around food, but around our feelings. You have gone through soooo much in the last 7 months. I think your head has not had a chance to catch up with your body yet. You can't just change all of those feelings in a short amount of time. Hang in there and cut yourself a break. You will be happy with yourself, but it takes work just like the changes in your body have taken work. If you're not in a support group, I would definitely find one in your area. They can be such a great help. Also, I'm considering finding a counselor that deals specifically with eating issues. I don't know if that's a possibility for you, but it's worth considering. No matter what, you have value and are worthy of loving and being loved. You had that at your original weight and you have that now. And, by the way, people are not just being nice to you... you look absolutely amazing!!! I don't think I'll ever be in the 130's, but it's a nice dream. Take care and email me if you'd ever like to vent! Kerri

Mary Jo, I've been envious of your weight loss and hope you continue to be successful. Sometimes what we see isn't actually there, or more specifically, it is distorted. Try to recognize that if you see sagging skin, that it is in fact a reality. Yes, even when a massive amount of weight is lost, there remains some fat. Also, depression can be the result of a lack of vitamins too.... as well, the myth of the happy fat person isn't so much of a myth... There is research to suggest that enzymes in fat can contribute to a feel of euphoria and wellbeing... I kid you not. That is why, often, weight loss can trigger depression... lack of certain vitamins, loss of fat tissue, and stress from having to reassign/condition comforting triggers... Best Wishes dear... Somewhere I posted a bunch of stuff about vitamins and depression... you can look it up and find it... but the main thing is to remember... Your kids need you... no matter what you weight or how you look.

hi pat. you know, i have been on anti-depressants ever since i had my 3rd child in 2002 and i stopped taking them after wls. maybe i need to start again. i did read your post before about the vitamins/depression. i do take my vitamins everyday, that's one thing i am good about. but i wonder if my body is lacking something else... you are right, my kids do need me...and the wonderful thing is my kids love me, also no matter what i weigh or how i look. hugsssssss

HEY MARY JO!!! BEING depressed and not seeing our weight loss is very common. WE lost weight very fast, and still our BRAIN has not caught up with the phsycial change. MANY at my sugeons new pscy. therapy support group experience this and im a big canadate of it. I am having trouble even shopping cause i keep going tot he plus clothes when i dont belong its hard. I have even heard someone two years post op dont see their losses and she still feels her old over 300 lbs self. I would try to find local support groups for either bariatric surgery, over eaters anonomous or something so you learn your not alone. KEEP wearing the new size clothes and i know the compliments from others will help you some. PLEASE know your not alone!!!! GOOD LUCK ((HUG)))!!! lisa

thank you so much, lisa. at least now i don't have to feel like i am crazy! i am going to try to get my parents to watch the kids for me, so i can try to go to one of the support groups at my surgeon's hospital. at least i can see what its like. i avoid going shopping. i am not even really sure why. but i only go to goodwill, and only when i absolutely have to, like if my pants are really too big. i still wear shirts that are too big for me because i feel like my stomach is huge! thanks for understanding. i hope this is something we can overcome, i want my mind to be healthy too! hugssssssssss