A repost from Jenny on the MN Site

I just received the e-newsletter LivingAfterWLS. Kaye Bailey has written some wonderful thoughts on post-op holiday feelings, resentments, eating, etc. She said to share with friends, so I have copied the article below. If you want to subscribe to the newsletter, go to livingafterwls.com. Enjoy! The WLS Hallelujah Chorus! Thoughts from Kaye The holidays are a challenging time for any health conscious individual. Throw in a little Weight Loss Surgery and the holidays can become a chaos of swinging emotions, from jubilation over new-found health to facing food temptations, rule-breaking and the resulting personal conflict. When I first outlined this December "You Have Arrived" newsletter my plan was to sit on my WLS pedestal and counsel now is the time for us to be grateful for all the wonderful things WLS has brought to our lives. Things like consistent massive weight loss, improved mobility, better health, growing self-esteem and cute holiday clothes. It is true, all of those things are very good and indeed we should be appreciative and grateful. We should celebrate! But what is also true is that the holidays, for me and maybe for you, cause intense emotional swings: from feelings of gratitude to anger, from acceptance to defiance. While the carolers are singing glad tidings I'm suffering from self-loathing and deprivation, defensiveness and isolation. There have been times during the last six post-op holiday seasons that I've wanted to hang a humbug placard on my door, throw a blanket over my head, and hibernate until spring. "Take the "Ho-Ho-Ho to some other door!" I've wanted to scream! For you see, WLS is in direct conflict with the traditions of holiday and celebration, traditions that in all honesty contributed to my obesity. But these are also the traditions I hold dear as part of my heritage, part of belonging to community and family. Then I had WLS and suddenly I felt isolated and doomed to being a spectator on the holiday super-highway. Is it just me, or do you feel like that too this time of year? So, instead of singing the "Hallelujah" chorus with this newsletter I'm going to tackle some of the mixed emotions I've felt during the holidays and offer a little insight I've gleaned these last six years. But most of all, selfishly I hope to make a new friend or two because I want to know that somebody else is riding the emotional WLS roller coaster during this "most wonderful" time of year. Oh yes, one more thing: Happy Holidays! Welcome to your new life - for better or worse - You Have Arrived! Happy Holidays, Kaye During the Holidays I Feel Punished & Deprived Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely grateful for my WLS, for my new life and for my good health. But honestly, during the holidays I feel resentful of the WLS. Being surrounded by foods I don't eat because they make me sick or gain weight feels like a punishment. After this long it's hard to remember what obesity felt like, yet obesity was a year-round purgatory for which I made a great sacrifice to escape. My logical mind knows that. But when I pass the dessert buffet I seethe inside and question, "Wasn't there another way for me to overcome my obesity? Why did I have to give up all these beautiful foods?" Sound familiar? The harsh fact for Kaye Bailey is there was no other way to control my obesity - WLS was my last hope. Sure, I could have played the diet game one more time and dropped a goodly amount of weight, but chances are I'd be back where I started with a few more pounds to show for my hard work. I haven't regained the weight because my WLS, the very thing I resent at this moment, forces me to proceed past the dessert buffet. My strategy to face-down the resentment is to touch my body, literally touch my body. Press a finger into my hipbone and remember that first joyful moment when I discovered I have hipbones. Appreciate my small wrists or take note of my cheekbones. Simply pay attention to anything on my new body that has given me joy. It sounds corny and a little self-indulgent, but you know, I sacrificed a lot and it's ok to be a little self-indulgent. And when I take a moment to enjoy my weight loss suddenly that black forest brownie seems quite insignificant. This doesn't always work for me, but most of the time I can gather my wits and say "Yes, giving up that (dessert buffet) was worth every bit of this." Give it a try, maybe it will work for you. The Indulge-Self Loathing Cycle Invariably there are times when I try to sneak one by the gastric bypass. My goodness! I grew fat eating rich decadent deserts and creamy starchy casseroles. I grew fatter by breaking diets with "just one taste can't hurt me." And so the old behaviors return and I indulge. Sometimes I don't get sick from eating the forbidden food and sometimes it doesn't show on the scale. But one thing guaranteed to happen when I have that just one taste: the little fat girl squeals with glee as she bludgeons me with thoughts of failure and self-loathing. My former self spoils every bit of pleasure the new me imagined that food would give me. As Hillary Strackbein, our community member says, "Food is not love." There is not one food I can name that is worth the self-loathing that will follow. I know this without any doubt. So why, now and again, do I eat things that will cause me to feel like a big fat failure? Because it's there. Because I remember how delicious fattening foods taste. Because I remember being emotionally comforted with food. Because I deserve a treat. Because I want to be "normal." Because, because, because. . . yet it always ends the same: shame and feelings of failure. The strategy I have learned here is to not turn a mistake into a catastrophe. This idea is supported by one conventional diet strategy: 80/80. Eighty percent of the time do eighty percent of the things that are healthy for you. A mistake is just a mistake. When we torture ourselves with the "I really blew it, I'm such a failure" we fall into the pit of self-loathing and it's hard to climb out. Most days I do pretty well, some days I make poor food choices. A mistake is not a catastrophe, it's simply a bump in the path. WLS gives us a tool, but it does not give us the magical power to behave perfectly. Mistakes happen. But more so, success happens. Forgive and move forward. Party Food Pushers It never fails that on the days I'm feeling best about my WLS lifestyle I come face to face with a food pusher. I think before WLS I was a food pusher, I wanted to share the love and the calories. Perhaps my motives were not always pure, after all, I never liked being the fattest woman at any social gathering. Knowing this about myself I constantly question the motives of the food pushers, particularly the overweight ones *****sent my slender new figure. I silently think, "They want me fat again." Perhaps. Perhaps not. The need to feed others can be traced to our anthropological roots and is culturally ingrained in many societies. We nourish body and soul by feeding others. My first reaction when invited to a "food pusher" event is to "have other plans." Best to avoid the situation. But declining invitations makes me a victim of my own WLS and that's not an acceptable option. I need to respect my WLS and continue to enjoy social gatherings. To do this I have learned that what I put in my mouth is my business and nobody else's. I've tried the classic refusals, "No thanks" or " I'm not hungry" but these statements fall on deaf ears. "Come on, it's the holidays, relax a little and enjoy." Have you heard that to? And for me, the absolute last thing I want to do at a holiday party is discuss the what and whys of the WLS diet. Talk about bringing down the mood! The thing I try to remember is I can eat and enjoy foods at social events while still respecting my tiny tummy. To do this I must be aware of the foods I eat and the quantity. This is called "mindful eating" by the conventional diet gurus. When a food pusher encourages me to "eat the stuffing" I have learned to say, "I am so enjoying the turkey and cranberries right now, I'll stick with that." This strategy tells the pusher I am enjoying the food and politely declines something I elect not to eat. I can feel good about my choice and know that I've respected my WLS by taking responsibility for what goes in my mouth. People Police My Plate As equally frustrating as the food pushers are the food police who monitor my plate and question my bites. "Should you be eating that?" or "Can you have that?" or "I thought that surgery was supposed to keep you from eating." I've heard them all and sometimes it hurts. It seems like WLS surgery makes people think they have a right to question or monitor our behavior. Sometimes I actually feel like others are hoping for me to fail, to regain my weight, just so they can say even WLS surgery couldn't help her. Chances are people aren't that mean (I hope) but sometimes it feels like that is what they are thinking. Normally I don't practice sarcasm or snippy conversation. However, there are times when a little "back-at-you" may be in order. At one social function I was concentrating on my healthy selections. A generously sized man across the table from me with his plate piled sky-high started ribbing me, "Look at you eating that plain stuff, look at what you are missing, you gave all this up to eat like a bird!" With my patience spent I asked him, "Do you REALLY want to talk about what is on each other's plate?" He was quickly put in his place. Another distraction method I've found effective is to appeal to a person's self fascination. When someone is politely policing me I've tried this line, "I'll think about what you said. But YOU! You look fabulous! What is happening in your life?" See how easy to turn the conversation away from my tiny serving of smartly chosen foods? I may not be thrilled to hear about their bunion removal or new bathroom paint, but at least I don't have to explain and justify my WLS. I Feel Isolated and Alone There is no doubt about it, successful weight loss with surgery isolates us from some of our friends. I think as obese people we all had eating buddies and when we have surgery and our eating buddy doesn't a separation invariably results. There can be resentment on both sides, I resent my friend because she can eat those favorite foods and she resents my shrinking figure. Soon we find ourselves parted and often the WLS person feels isolated. This happened to me and I felt, again, like a victim of the surgery. While I wanted to be healthy and thin, I also wanted life as I know and enjoy to continue. But WLS changes many things in our lives, including relationships. Counselors admonish us to make a new circle of friends, go out, meet new people. I understand the value of this advice, but it is not easy to do. We have jobs, families, spouses. We are spending former social time exercising and doing activities our weight loss has made possible. And we are discovering new things about ourselves. The first years after surgery are emotionally grueling and feeling isolation is part of that experience. I had to travel at my own pace and accept that relationships do change and that I changed in spite of my loudest declaration "I will not let weight loss change me". It did change me. It's a process, a journey, an evolution. I did the best I could to preserve some friendships but eventually I accepted that other friendships dissolved. I still remember the day I met the first new person after reaching my weight loss goal. It was such a relief, "Oh, here is someone who only knows the new me, maybe we can be friends." We have become good friends. Accepting that relationships evolve helped me through the isolation stage. It still hurt and it was a lonely time, but sometimes life hurts and is lonely. I am a Victim of Tradition One of my most beloved traditions is the "Take Arounds." Home baked plates of delicious cookies and candies delivered to our neighbors and friends. In year's past I have spent many-a-nights baking well past midnight treats for the Take Arounds. Well let me tell you, Christmas 1999, just 3 months out of surgery, this was an absolute punishment. The smell of sugar nauseated me, the texture of cookie dough disgusted me and I was angry I "HAD" to do this. My husband told me, "You do not HAVE to do this, we have other options." Hmmmm - - other options? I hadn't considered that. What a relief it was to create a new tradition, beautiful healthful fruit and nut baskets in place of the high-fat, high-calorie traditional Take Arounds. And so a new tradition was born in our home. Some traditions are not so easy to change. The big family meal is one tradition ingrained in our culture and unlikely to change. After WLS the task of preparing the meal can feel like a burden and a punishment. One thing I am learning to do better is ask for help and make specific food assignments. Someone else can bring the starch and desserts. I'll focus on the vegetables and protein. Another game I've played is "trick the family" by sneaking in low-fat, low-calorie versions of our favorite traditional foods. You'd be surprised at how many people love tofu pumpkin pie when they think it is simply pumpkin pie. Oh, and what about the Take Arounds we receive? Miss Manners may not agree, but I freeze the things I can and save them to serve at the Superbowl party! Welcome to your new life: You Have Arrived!