Gastric bypass patient - checking in....

I've been debating on whether or not to post about this today. *sigh* I had a bad food day and met with a pretty scarey realization.... I started out good. My usual SF Decaf Vanilla Latte..... a banana... a mini whole wheat bagel.... Then I went to lunch with our team to a fancy restraunt - a gift from the company to us. I ordered Chicken breast stuffed with lump crabmeat and veggies. I told them not to bring me the potatoes.... good right??? I ate nearly two-thirds of the entire meal. I was STUFFED. At this point, I KNEW I over did it. What did I do? I ordered hot coffee to sip and soothe my pouch a little. Not all that bright. But it gets worse. They ordered one of every dessert on the menu and spoons and plates for everyone - passing the desserts so everyone could take a little of each on thier plate. So there I was.... stuffed and miserable... green around the gills....piling SUGAR of all various forms on my plate AND ATE IT. What was I thinking?????? That was sooooooooooo stupid. It was like I just woke up when I saw my plate EMPTY after eating all this stuff that I KNOW would make me sick all on its own - but in a pouch that was already bursting at the seams?!?!?!?! This would be one of those moments where a guardian angel with a BIG FAT CLUB would come in handy. So, people are talking.... a girl is talking to me..... and stuff is just bubbling up in my mouth and I'm swallowing hard to keep it all down. I finally excused myself to the restroom. All I had to do was stand over the toilet, lean over and open my mouth. It came right out. So easy. So effortlessly. No pain or struggle. I stopped for a minute just blown away at how easy that was. Then I leaned forward and did it again. Again - easy. This really freaked me out. All those years I struggled with my weight - I went through phases of wishing I could be bulemic. I TRIED to be bulemic. I NEVER ONCE was able to make myself vomit. I thought to myself "I'm a failure at even this!" I've always understood why people did it - I always felt compassion for people who did it, knowing thier hurt - I've always known the risks - but I was SAFE from it because it wasn't something I could physically do. But today, look what I did. It was so easy. This is information about myself that I do not need to know. I can't be trusted with it. I have too many years under my belt of being the overweight, hurt person to be trusted with it. So this is another time that guardian angels toting BIG FAT CLUBS would come in handy. Knock some sense into me. I'm crazy. I have no business going down that road. Why is it so tempting????? See..... this is what made me debate so hard about posting..... this is a tough admission. I truly can't trust myself with that kind of ability. I can tell other people until I'm blue in the face not to do it and why not to do it... but I can't trust myself with myself. There was a great big part of me that was sooooo happy for doing it. Isn't that twisted? I think I'm officially losing my mind. Hugs, Pam

Hi Pam. I know what you mean about stuffing it in even when you know you're so full. My problem is that I've been grazing and eating all the wrong foods - chocolate, cookies, ice cream, nuts.... you name it, I'm eating it. I know this behavior is wrong, wrong, wrong! I start the day right and then by the afternoon, all caution blows out. I am so ashamed of myself. I know that I can share this with you and won't get flamed. I do know that I haven't lost any weight but at least I haven't gained either. I should have lost weight with the plastic surgery, but I think (I know) that the weight will come off as soon as I start to follow pouch rules. I plan on doing what I can, even though I may not be perfect the next few days. After Christmas, I have to be very strict with myself. I do not and will not go back to my old lifestyle. Temptation is so bad now. I know now what others have spoken. The honeymoon period is definitely over. God Bless us both! Take care, Lucy

Pam, I know you are not losing your mind, but I can seriously tell you to not toy with this. I have been fighting this now for months and it scares me. Of course gaining weight back scares me more. But I still act out with this and I know it is not a healthy thing to do. It is not always as easy as just bending over and it falling out. Yes, when you are overful it does, but later, you will have to go further to get rid of stuff you feel guilty about, I know! I haven't yet found a counselor to deal with this, and yet part of me is afraid to admit it is a problem. I justify it by saying to myself, that I don't do it every meal so it is ok. But it is not ok. Eventually, there is a piper to pay out there, I know this. I have a few pounds to spare also, but nutritionally, I don't know what my levels are lately. Except that my iron is low. You don't have any pounds to spare, and could easily become ill. I understand how you feel. But DONT act on it, it is a cycle like the overeating. Wendy