THE GREAT EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

Good morning all, I know it has been quite some time since I last posted. Life has been so busy. I could really use some reassurance that I'm not alone in something. Now that I just passed my 16 month anniversary I am finding more and more that I'm having anxiety. Not like panic attacks, but fear. I've had dreams that I screwed everything up, misused my pouch and was 250 lbs again. I wake up each morning wondering if today is the day I'm going to mess things up. I'm watching everything I put in my mouth. Even if I have some crackers (albeit whole grain) I feel guilty. Last night for the first time I finally talked to my dear husband about all of this. It's been running around in my head like wolves stalking it's prey. As I was finally verbalizing it, I realized how how scared I really am. I hear all the time the statistics, and God I don't want to be the one that messes it up and gains all of her weight back. I've worked too hard to be healthy. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I've been at the same weight (pretty much within a few pounds) since May 2nd. I don't feel like I'll ever see below 150. The hip surgery and constant knee pain have slowed me down a lot, and I guess my patience in letting all of that heal is waining. On one side I try really hard to focus on my successes, but then I see the goals that I haven't reached and the negatives start creeping in. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH! So...am I losing it? Is anyone else feeling similar? I thiink it's been too long since I've posted. Also, I'm a support group leader and it's really difficult to share this the group. Perhaps I need to go to a support group meeting where I'm receiving the support. Thanks for your input. Love, Debra 247/153/137

Debra, I don't know if you have been reading the posts lately, but I for one can tell you that I have been in the same boat. To the point of bulemia! I have been working on it, but it is so hard. Anything I put in my mouth that could be considered "bad" I have to fight the urge not to run to the toilet. This anxiety I think is a part of what we are going through. I watched a show about the 1/2 ton man last night and he lost 700 lbs only to turn around and regain til he weighed 1000 lbs!! I about had a fit! I dreamed all night about failure. Not weight loss failure, just general, but I think it all equals out to the same thing. I haven't reached goal yet either, I haven't even hit onederland yet so it is really hard on me. The excersize is my biggest downfall. I just don't do it, and even though I need to I don't. You are not alone, but knowing that isn't going to solve it for us. I don't know what will, but I am hoping long term it works itself out. Wendy

Debra, I feel your pain. I am terrified of regain. But apparently not enough to keep me from eating stuff that I know that I should not eat. I struggle daily with my "food demons" so far I havent gained anything but I fear that it is just around the corner. I exercise pretty regularly so I think that that helps. I wish that there was some way to fix my head and not be so haunted by food. I wonder if thin people obsess about food the way I do. I attended some classes in Lexington on emotional eating and I really could identify. They talked about walking next to a big ditch and seeing how close you could get to the edge without falling in. That is where I feel like I am. I feel like I am experimenting on just how much I can eat without gaining weight. I dont think this is healthy. I tell myself that I will stop if I start to gain. But in the back of my mind I wonder if I can and if I will end up being a failure. I have come so far, I never want to go back. Well, hopefully we will all figure this out. I am glad that you posted , because you can always to come to us with your thought and feelings. We will support you and I think the majority of us are experiencing the same thing. My weight has been pretty stable since the beginning of summer. Well Good Luck to all of us as we continue to fight the fight. I know we can win. Lynn

Good Morning Debra~ I think you are voicing what everyone is feeling. I am struggling with all of my food demons as well...trying a little of this, dabbling with a little of that. Also, because I'm not training as hard for that 1/2 marathon anymore, my exercise has decreased and I've been struggling with about 3 lbs. that seem to drop and come back on. The demon candy is to blame!!! Then, I always go back to~ I've lost 160 lbs. so far. Yes, it's down to a crawl...yes, I'm struggling with the sugar/carb addiction, but I could never have gotten here without this surgery. I'm a bit freaked about gaining as well, but I still eat things that I shouldn't, especially recently. I am very proud of the weight I've lost. If I did nothing more than maintain this weight for the rest of my life, I couldn't be anything but happy. I still have about 20lbs. to go to get to my own personal goal. It would be nice, but I don't know if it will happen before ps. Hang in there. I know that the hardest part comes now, when the highs of seeing the numbers drop isn't there anymore, and the compliments become fewer and fewer. This is when we have to toughen up~ both physically and mentally. And, I think this board is even more important now for support. We can do this!!! I'm going to make some goals for myself now that the doctor has said I can still train hard and try to get pregnant at the same time. I've been very fearful of that. But, much to my surprise, I would have to be below 12% body fat in order to have any issue. No worries there! So...another 1/2 marathon is going to be in the works for me! You have been incredibly successful. You just have to remember it and stay focused on what you've accomplished. One thing I'm going to do to focus my head on positive instead of failure is to begin journaling again. I think it will help keep me honest. Write down all of the things that you can do/feel now that you didn't at your beginning weight. We have so much to be grateful for! Hugs, Kerri