I did a responsible thing today....

I got my flu shot! This is a big deal for me... I've ALWAYS been terrified of getting the flu shot. You know, all the stories out there from people who get the shot - how they say they came down with a big bad case of the flu right after - or whatever other nightmare stories about it. I was just so dang scared that I would get deathly ill - that I wouldn't get the shot. Well - fast forward to the NOW in my life. I'm down to 122 pounds. I'll admit it out loud (begrudgingly): I'm too thin! I know if I were to get a bad case of the flu at this point, it would be very bad for my health. It would probably hospitalize me. I have been struggling so hard with the acceptance of who I am these days - you know, the who and what I have become since wls.... Let me explain..... I wrote this (below) for someone else who has reached a dangerously low weight after wls (and I dearly love)..... but I wanted to share it with you all because it shows how far I've come mentally and because there maybe others who identify with it: You know my story: In June 2005 I weighed 250 pounds, wore sizes 3x and 22/24 and some 26's. Today, I weigh 122 and wear baggy size 2's in womens clothing and 5's in juniors. Every single person I know tells me I'm too thin. People pester me on a daily basis - checking in to see what I'm eating today. They tell me I have surpassed healthy looking and that I look sickly now. 90% of the time, I think they are NUTS - especially when I look down at my thighs and gut. Then, there is the other 10% of the time. A brief glimpse of myself walking up to a glass door and not believing that the boney skeletal chick with the space between her legs and the shape of her pelvis showing - is ME - like, why doesn't it look that way in MY mirror????? Then, I think back on all the times in my life when I thought I looked good - only to see pictures later that revealed more truth than I was willing to swallow. I wonder, is this the case now? How could so many people be wrong - how could I be the only RIGHT person???? And so..... the battle ensues in my mind - DAILY There's this secret part of me that longs to see that scale drop - like it was doing all along that first year. I secretly long for that THRILL - that RUSH that comes with being the victor over another pound. The truth is, I don't want to gain another pound as long as I live. I want to get as low as I can for FEAR of gaining anything at all in the future. As big a buffer zone as I can get. After years of being the largest woman in the room, I secretly long to be the smallest woman in the room. This is the truth that lurks in the dark recesses of my mind. DAILY I struggle with the reality that everyone around me is right and cares about me. I think of the times when pictures crushed my memories and how I don't want it to happen ever again. These aren't just my pictures, my memories - they are my children's, my husband's, my parents, all of my loved one's too. The REAL truth is that I have an eating disorder - always have - from one extreme to the other. That doesn't make it okay to allow myself to be this way. So, I eat. I love my children. I look deep into their eyes - imagining the many years to come. I envision what it will be like when they reach all the milestones that will come and where I will fit into the picture. I envision the potential joys and sorrows that will come their way. The last thing I want is to be a source of their sorrow - especially not the kind of sorrow that they speak of for the rest of their lives. I imagine my grandchildren. What will they be like? Will I get to know them and love them too? Will I be in their lives long enough for them to remember me always? What if I fall ill? What buffer zone will I have in my weight to sustain me and keep me alive for them, if I already weigh too little and leave my body no resources to pull from? I've seen that happen to someone I loved very much. We lost her. Forever. She never got to meet my children. How that makes my heart ache even to this very day. Am I risking the same? So, I eat. Even when it repulses me. I eat. I have my good days and I have my bad. I average 1600-1800 calories on a good day. It only takes one day of less than 1000 calories or extra excerise and I drop a pound. Sometimes I "toy" with it. Just to see if it still works. I don't know - maybe this is me just trying to prove that I'm in control. My goal is 125-130.... for now. Baby steps. Maybe I'll increase it. I'm still working on it. I have a feeling that I'll always be working on it. This is real. It happens to more of us than are willing to admit. Don't ignore though. Look inward - deep into the dark recesses of your mind - see what you are up to. Look around you. Listen. Envision. Draw yourself a finish line on two separate sheets of paper. On one, put all your skinny desires - on the other nothing about weight - only about the blessings that come from LIFE, living, your family, your hopes. See where the REAL finish line is - and run for that one. [end of my letter to my friend] AND TODAY: I made another great stride in the big world of acceptance and reality. I accept that I am too thin... I accept that a big illness would be dangerous for me. I accept that I need to take action to protect my health and to further my chances of success. I bit the bullet and got the shot. Standby.....I'll let you know if those horror stories are true! they better not be! Hugs, Pam

Good morning Pam! I'm happy for you that you decided to get that flu shot, considering your family and to protect your health since you definitely are so thin! I'm still not taking the flu shot at least this year. I got sick from one when I was in nursing school. I had a 103 degree fever and felt awful. I am not as thin as you are. Maybe next year I'll be there and then have to make that decision. Thanks for sharing your most inner thoughts. I, too have a problem with the image of myself now. It's so hard for me to see myself as I look to others. I am in no way as thin as you are and I have people telling me it's time to stop, I look too thin to them. I want to lose more and have the safety cushion too. I'm afraid of regain as others are too. I still want to eat and eat in larger quantities. My old self is lurking and wanting to come out and take over. Sometimes it does and I hate myself for going backwards. Although I can't eat as much as I did before WLS, I still can eat a heck of a lot of food. When I do that, I'm afraid that I stretched my pouch. This is something I'm going to have to deal with and resolve. I need to get myself to a point where I'm happy with my weight and eating. I know that there will always be stress in my life, but in the past I dealt with it by eating and pushing the stress down until I was numb. I know that is not the answer. So, yes I do want to lose more weight. I know that the plastic surgeries I will be having will indeed bring my weight down further. I am happy about that. The numbers do mean a lot to me and I guess they shouldn't. But it is there and I have to acknowledge it. I appreciate your honesty and candor in this post! Have a wonderful Monday! Hugs, Lucy

Hi Pam~ Wow, I really respect your introspection and brutal honesty. I think so many of us always had an eating disorder. The surgery doesn't change that~ it just redirects it. For some, it's eating too little. For others, it comes out as a different type of disorder~ shopping, sex, alcohol, etc. Good for you for acknowledging it and taking steps to deal with it! I don't think undereating will ever be an issue for me, but I do think I'm going to struggle with overeating for the rest of my life. I worry about what my weight will do now that I'm starting to taper down my exercise from the 1/2 marathon. I want to get pregnant, which means that I can't continue to push my body the way that I was. I'm already going to be high risk due to being 38 and not having had a child yet. I still have between 20-25lbs. to get to my goal. I have to believe that God will get me through this and give me the strength that I just simply don't have on my own. I know he will with you as well. Know that you are loved! Hugs, Kerri

Hey Pam if I had lost faster, I know I would have been right there with you. I'm not too thin, but I still don't believe I look good. All it takes is one look at these thighs and I'm ready to hit the plateau buster. I made a deal with myself not to loose anymore with diet and I fight everyday to keep that promise. My PCP also made me promise not to loose anymore with diet until after my second plastic surgery. She warned me that if I get too low I wouldn't be able to maintain that weight and would then want to diet to get back down. So her BIG warning was to let me know that Karen Carpenter didn't die from Bulemia, she died from heart failure associated with the ups and downs in her weight. This is why I still see my psychologist every few months. He knows I have perception problems, and we're working on it. If I didn't work on it, I probably would end up too thin. However, lucky for me - black people tend to not want to get real thin and I'm lucky because I want to be muscular which will hold some weight on me. Good Luck Pam - and PLEASE - above all else, stay healthy!! Sharyn

Dearest Pam, I too really appreciate and admire your honesty and insight in this post. I really struggle to get the weight off. I am clean and sober for 5 years. I first got into trouble with substance abuse with diet pills to control weight as a teen. During my first two years of sobriety I put on 150+ pounds!! I also smoked alot. As preperation for WLS, I gave up smoking. I have lost about 130 pounds. I don't know exactly because I am deathly afraid of the scale!! To make a long story short, I have recently had alot of "issues" surfacing. I believe it is because I am not numbing my feelings with smoking, substance abuse or food. I have really reached out more to my home 12 step group and am taking a more active part in my recovery once more. But I get scared. Scared to relapse in any of the areas described above. Scared to not be a sucess at WLS!!! Scared of the unknown! I think this journey is a trip...full of self discovery, growth and change!!! Your willingness to acknowledge your truth is a breath of fresh air. Our stories are so different but I can so relate to what you have to say. I find myself wishing I could become addicted to being thin no matter what the cost. Isn't that silly? I am so grateful for this surgery and this chance to learn a new healthy way of life. So hang in there Pam! Use whatever resources you have to stay healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually. We all believe in you. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. There is much wisdom in what you share. Love, Diane

Pam, Introspection is the hardest thing to do. I am not too thin...yet, but I worry about being where you are later. I have toyed with bulemia and still continue to use this harmful "tool" when I feel guilt over what I eat. It is partly from feeling bad about myself, but also about competition. I look at where others are and long to be there too. But I know realistically that I will never, ever be a size 2 or 4 or probably even a size 10 is unrealistic for me. I am 6 foot tall and not a tiny girl! But I am angry at times over this and I abuse my body one way or the other over this. Before it was with food and fat. Now it is with food and the fact that I can control what stays inside my stomach or not. It is wrong and I know it, but I can't seem to make myself stop. I am glad you posted this. We should all keep aware of our situation. I am looking at counseling again, but last time was a flop. I find it hard to be totally honest with someone who does not TRULY understand like others who have gone through this. Keep fighting the good fight, and I will too. We have come to far to fade away and miss out on the life we deserve. Wendy