My Mother

As some of you know my Mom had a stroke about 2 weeks ago. I have been in WV ever since. She layed on her living room floor for two days before anyone found her. On the way to hospital she crashed and then she crashed in the ER. Each time she was revived. Eventually she was placed on life support, which she would not have wanted. My Mom has had mental illness most of her life. For nearly all of my life she has wanted to die. Multiple suicide attempts, questioning her god why he wouldn't let her die. The first attmpt I can remember is when I was about 6 yrs. old. The first time she asked me to help her kill herself I was about 10. After being in a vegetative state w/ no hope for recovery we terminated life support on Saturday. The hospital made her comfortable with morphine and slowly, very slowly she passed away last night. My Mom and I had not spoken in 18 yrs. The mental illness caused a relationship between us to be impossible. Very similar with mine and my sister's relationship. We have not spoken for about 10 years due to her illness and substance abuse. The past 2 days I kept wondering why Mom was hanging on. For a woman who wanted to die so badly, she just wouldn't go. Then after my sister and I were at her bedside, for the first time in years, she passed within minutes. Maybe I am being silly, but I kinda think she was waiting for us to be there together. I never thought this would be so difficult. I mean my Mom was not in my life much. In and out of hospitals a lot during my childhood. And when she was in my life, it was often terrifying. I am devastated. Thank you to all who have been there for me. I don't know what I'd do without you. ~April

April, I'm so sorry for your loss. You always wonder why God works in such mysterious ways. My cousin, who is many years younger, had a mother whose situation was quite similar to your mother's. As long as I knew her she was trying to kill herself. She'd drive cars into phone poles, take pills and alcohol (even while pregnant), slash wrists, etc., etc. She had about 17 attempts (we're sure there were more) and many, many stays at mental hospitals. Finally, a couple years ago they all came here, unexpected, on Christmas day. She seemed terrific and happy for the first time....ever. Then on New Year's Eve night she went out with some friends but had a cold. Her son (age 15) found her, dead, the next morning in her bed. The autopsy said it was an overdose of cough meds, cold meds and the alcohol. She did it without even trying. Even though you had so much distance and things were horrific for you, I'm glad you and your sister were there with her, together, toward the end. You two may never speak again but I'm sure it comforted your mother in her last hours. You're in my prayers, April. And, I'm sure you drove by my exit many times on your way down to WV. If you come by this way again, CALL ME! Hugs -- * Cyndi *

Cyndi, thank you for your kind words. I returned home to NY yesterday around 4pm. I am so relieved that everything is over and that it went as well as it did. Now it's a matter of healing and getting back to my normal life. Again, thank you so very much. ~April