Having a really hard time...

I'm gonna try to make this short and sweet...but I doubt if that's possible. I've been having a hard time lately--and tonight it really hit me just how hard of a time I'm having. I'm struggling with the feelings of not wanting to be single anymore...and with still feeling like the 367 lb fat girl in my head. Both are really getting to me. Do guys pay me more attention now than they ever have in my life? Sure. Do I feel better about how I look? Sure. Do I see what others see when they look at me? NO way. I look at pictures...and I'm like "Wow, that's me?". Very strange feeling...I'm sure you've ALL experienced it to some extent. Tonight at support group someone asked about if the mentality of being the "fat girl" will ever change. The nurse and my surgeons wife...both of who had gastric bypass 3 or 4 years ago...said that they still feel that way. They say that when they look in the mirror--they STILL don't see what others see. They still try to try on clothes that are way too big when they go shopping...and all of those kinds of things. My problem is....I dont want to have the "fat girl mentality" for the rest of my life. I feel like I'm working SO hard to change myself...but my mind is not catching up. Yes, when I look in the mirror I feel better. When I hear guys compliment me...or look at me...or wink at me...I still wonder, WHY? What would THAT guy want with a girl like ME? I know it might sound crazy to some of you.............but it's reality for me. I know I'm a good person. I have a great career, I'm responsible, and have goals..........but I feel like I don't know who I am anymore? How will I ever be in a healthy relationship with a man if I can't even love myself for who I am????? I've put up so many walls...and used so many defense mechanisms throughout my life. I'm beginning to wonder if I will EVER be able to break them down. If anyone has any advice...or experiences to share I'd SURE love to hear em! I could really use some help right now. Courtney

Courtney, First {{{{{{{{Courtney}}}}}}}}! You know I do know what you mean. Some have said things like "skinny minnie" or "slim" or other comments that at first I think "Oh they must just be being sarcastic". But they see the me that is drowning in her scrubs right now refusing to go buy new ones. I look back and see the person that needs to loose 80 plus pounds still.....not the one that is getting into clothes that have not fit in 11 years!!! But think about it.....your "walls" are tall and set with the strongest of bricks or stones. You have built up those walls for years and they are not going to crumble over night. I do not have that issue of being single.....but that does not come without its own set of problems and I have really been struggling with the changes in the new me and if my husband will be able to evolve with that. And then I am becoming soooo active and he has his own inner struggles with weight and just very thick wallls that he built up over time and is not very social. So as I am emerging.....he is withdrawing if that makes since. I would say.......time to go talk to a therapist. Just an unbiased sounding board for all the emotions that are coming with your emergence from a caterpillar in a cocoon to the Beautiful Butterfly you are becoming. I have heard that our minds do eventually start to catch up and "SEE" the new image.....but yes I think inside it will take some work to repair the damges set for so long. Discover you for YOU! Embrace what you are becoming! Then I imagine you will see the chips start to fall into place. Sometimes I think we can want something so bad that we actually build a bigger wall that makes it harder to overcome! But I would see about going to talk with someone that is experienced with helping WLS patients. Otherwise dealing with the triggers that got you to where you are will not have a chance of healing. Good Luck to you, but I think that even though we will never forget /get over the images that we once saw.....I thin that is a good thing in htat it is a reminder so we will not go bac****ep us posted!!! Donna

{{{{{{{{{{Courtney}}}}}}}}}} You know, the one thing you truly have on your side is that you had this surgery at such a young age. I was days from being 42 when I had it. I've had 42 years of the "fat girl" in my head. I still don't see what others see. I can't wrap my head around my mom giving me an outfit she bought for herself but never goes out and would I like it. WHAT??? My MOM???? Then it occurred to me that she wears size 6 or 8 jeans and I just bought freaking 10s! For the first time in, I swear, 30 years, I am almost my mom's size!!! It's VERY hard to wrap my head around that. When we were in North Carolina at Thanksgiving, Britt and I were walking into the convenience store and two young guys were walking out. Mark had the SUV window down and saw them turn around and say "did you see the ass on her?". Mark told me that and I said "was she cute?". He said "dumb butt, they were talking about YOU!". I still don't get it. Remember, we only had this surgery 7 MONTHS ago! It's hard to change your thinking that fast. And, as fast as our bods are changing, our minds just aren't catching up. My surgeon and I talked about it and he said eventually it'll change. But it takes a while. You ARE a gorgeous, gorgeous woman! That you HAVE to get in your head! There is a guy out there who will find you beautiful. But, when you share your journey with him, he'll find you courageous, beautiful, and amazing. THAT is the guy you'll want to share your life with. Mark is slowly coming around. I mean, I've always been heavy since we met. So, this is strange to both of us. For Britt, I've always been her squishy mom. As of this morning I'm 5.4 pounds from my surgeon's goal. NONE of us can get that one through our heads. So, for the three of us, this has been a difficult journey at times. But, in the end, I think it'll be wonderful for all of us. Mark's losing weight, I"ll be healthy and it can only benefit Britt. Take some time. Don't be in such a rush. But, get it through your skull, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! * Cyndi *

Courtney, Sometimes we have to listen to what other people are saying and how they are saying it to us. Go into a store and try on that size you finally got into and ask a salesperson or even a stranger how you look in what you're trying on. They don't know that "fat girl" so they have no choice but to be sincere and honest. Maybe we need to see ourselves through strangers' eyes first, since the people that care about us, for the most part, we always "suspect" as being kinder than they should be. It's hard to get out of our old heads and into our new bodies. I agree with the others who suggested talking to a therapist - you need to develop the tools to build your self-exteem now that you've worked and succeeded with the tool to get your healthy! You can do this, really - you've done part of the hard part already - it's just the next phase. {{{{{{{{to you}}}}}}}}} The "other" Cyndi (who desn't post as much)