OT: Sexual Harrassment or not?!?!

Hey all, this is a cross post but I could use some advice. Some people are telling me it is, and some people are telling me to move on and ignore it. I could use my friends' advice. I started a new job in August and was quickly promoted after 2 weeks to upper management. My boss, the administrator of a nursing home, was always very friendly with me and acted like we were buds. I had no issues at first. After a few weeks in my new position, he promised me that after a few years of being his right hand go to person that I would be assistant administrator. I was excited and probably naive as that is my dream job. He would make comments on my weight loss and say I looked good, but so did many other people female and male. A month ago we went to a 3 day conference, a group of 8 of us, and he tried to get me to spend the night with everyone rather than driving home that evening. It was a 2 hour drive and I just wanted to sleep in my own bed, not a hotel, but he begged me to stay, thought it was weird but let it go. I drove home anyway. He would always touch me a lot via back rubs, hugs, and winks. I didn't think much of it until yesterday. It bothered me but again I didn't say anything. I parted ways with my job and he wanted me to promise I would keep in touch and that we would still be friends then said..."ya know I love ya right?" He laughed after he said it and I didn't say anything back to him. I'm confused, I'm married...happily, and I think I was sexually harrassed but I don't know. I never had this happen and I'm not sure I have enough evidence to support a claim. I know I felt very uncomfortable but I didn't really tell him to stop because he was my boss and I didn't want to ruin my career. It did anyway because I am now no longer employed there. I am relieved that it is over but angry because I think I just ruined any chance at having my dream job. I also never told the HR Coordinator because the administrator (my boss) and her are very close, they share everything and I didn't feel it could be held in confidence. I was excited at first to work in an environment that was so "family" orientated but now I realize it was very unhealthy and lacked confidentiality and professionalism. Do I still have a claim even though I didn't speak up? According to several internet websites I do but I'm not sure. Help please?!?! Sitting here unemployed with no job prospects, Jamie

Jamie-- I personally don't think it matters if you spoke up at the time or not. It's natural to just "let it go" when you think that your job is in this person's hands. If you felt that uncomfortable--and it was something that happened often........you may just have a claim. Now, whether you want to persue it or not is a completely different story. If you feel like you want to report it so it doesn't happen to anyone else...then by all means, do so. But if you think it's only gonna drag a dead horse through the mud, so to speak, then I would just drop it and move on. It's all in what you want to deal with. If you think you can just forget about the creep--and go on with your life, that might be the solution. If it really bothers you deeply--and you are going to feel uneasy until you do report him, then do so. It's all about you and how far you want to take it. I'm sorry this happened to you though. =( Good luck with the job hunt....you'll find something even better!! Courtney

Ummmm HELL YEAH it was sexual harrassment! I don't know about your state but here in lovely New Jersey ANY unwanted "touching" (back rubs, shoulder rubs, etc.) is considered sexual harrassment. His behavior was HIGHLY inappropriate. I know all about letting it go, but he went beyond a "boss" relationship. My husband and I own our business. We recently had to implement more detailed descriptions of sexual harrassment into our employee manuals. We have one guy here, in his 50s, who is EXTREMELY touchy-feely.....with me! Mark and I sat down and talked about it, both as co-owners of the company THEN as husband/wife. Mark called the company attorney and she informed us it would definitely be considered sexual harrassment. I had to rewrite our policies due to this bonehead. Can you believe when he read the new ones he flipped. LOL We have more females here than males (our guys are out in the field most of the time or work from home) and I sure will NEVER allow our female employees to feel uncomfortable in this environment. It's sad that your ex boss and the HR Coordinator are close. That's never a good thing. From my end as a business owner you DEFINITELY have a claim. That he BEGGED you to stay during that conference shows me that he wanted WAY more than a boss/employee relationship. This guy has no business being a boss. * Cyndi *

Hi Jamie, One of the defenses against sexual harassment is that there was no objection at the time. It creates self-doubt and "reasonable doubt" and the perpetrators take advantage of that. But if you step back and look at the overall pattern, it is obvious. Sexual predators often rely on slowly, patiently cultivating trust. They take you right up to your boundary and then pu**** out a little. If you become accustomed to that, they eventually pu**** a little more. After a While you are asking yourself "how did it get this far?" This is exactly the pattern that pedophiles follow but at least the law is clear that those victims don't have the legal right to consent. So if it goes too far, there is an objective standard to assess that. But with adults who can consent, the technique of cultivating intimacy over a long period of time is an effective shield. This creep will never rethink his actions if he goes unchallenged. If you are thinking of making a claim and are prepared for the challenges that will bring, by all means give this guy a wake-up call. Ya know *we* love you, right? Only here it is unconditional. -- T.Rob