Fears 1 day away

I started my Clear Liquid Diet. The last thing I ate normally was a handful of buttered movie popcorn while watching Pirates of the Carribean -- At World's End. I was thinking just earlier, "I can't believe THAT will be my last real bite of food. The last time I will REALLY enjoy it all." Depressing way I think, I guess. I just wish my last real bite would of been like a McDonalds 1.39 Cheeseburger or a dumpling. God, I'm going to miss it all so much. Sometimes I have second thoughts, thinking "I don't want to die. I don't want to leave my sister without a sister." I didn't want to go to the movies earlier, but I could see in her eyes as she pleaded me to that she thinks this very well may be our last outing together. I think she's afraid I will die and that scares me all on my own. I don't want to die. I just want to live a healthy life. I could see it in her eyes, I knew she is thinking this may be our last. I hope she doesn't think that and I hope if I do die, that she doesn't think anything like that. I want her to remember the good times we had. I feel bad that I'm being selfish enough to take this big step when I could very well be leaving my sister without a sister and my parents without a daughter.

Lauren........... Following is a posted reply to someone on the VSG board, but it has so much wisdom in it...................... You aren't choosing to risk your life as a selfish reason............ you are choosing life....................don't you forget that!! It isn't selfish to want to be healthy and "Normal"!! And, you will eat normal things again..............just much less, because you will be able to................ And, you will do fine.....believe that, and all else falls into place................... You will be in my prayers for an easy surgery and the beginning of a beautiful life!! I believe in you!!! .........Karen janetconklin Eugene, OR Gregg Jossart, M.D. GastSleeve (03/27/07) Member Since: 10/14/99 [Latest Posts] Post Date: 5/26/07 12:25 pm Jilliana, Beautifully said. I think we have to make sure that we don't listen to the voices out there that tell us that "This is the easy way out" There is nothing easy about stopping a lifelong addiciton cold turkey. There is nothing easy about staring death in the face, and deciding to choose LIFE, at whatever cost. There is nothing easy about staying strong in the face of nay-sayers and people who want to bring you down. There is nothing easy about living in a culture that tells you to eat all the time, then tells you you're too fat, then tells you not to eat, then questions your good judgement and sanity when you decide to take the reins of your health into your own hands. There is nothing easy about opening yourself up to people asking questions and analyizng your body all the time There is nothing easy about learning new rules, and working hard to become healthy. There is nothing easy about this process, but it will make us stronger, healthier and clearer minded about ourselves, and what we deserve in this life. Mostly, there is nothing easy about giving up an old friend, a way of living, a way of feeling and coping, and making a choice to fly solo in life, without the emotional safety net of food. This takes bravery, committment, and intense personal strength. You have it, and are now helping others find it too!

Wow Karen! That was awesome! Thanks for sharing that with us! Kathy

My surgery is tomorrow in Buffalo, NY. I fully understand fear. I am experiening soooo many emotions that it's difficult to describe exactly how I do feel. Don't think your choice to have WLS is a selfish one. By succeeding @ this, you will be giving you & your loved ones a much longer time with you. A healthy new you!! Sending you positive energy

Lauren- I too am having surgery tomorrow. I think I have really made peace with it, though. I have to believe that I am doing this for a reason. I am doing it not to put my life at risk but to save my life- to take control of my health. As far as the dying thing- my father passed away in a car accident that was not his fault. You take the risk of dying every day. Surgery is not any different. If you are doing it for the right reasons- the risk isn't that great and the benefits can be amazing. Try to stay positive- just think in 6 months how different you will be! It will be great! Good Luck tomorrow- all the people here on the May boards are wonderful- let them be your support! Keep us posted about how you do! Kathy

Lauren, My daughter (age 28) was so afraid that there would be complications from surgery (and, even death) that I promised her that I would try to loose the weight one more time. I did try, just like every other time and ended up loosing but gaining it back plus more. I think we need to be compassionate towards our family members but still go ahead and do what we know is right for us. I wish I would have had my surgery a year ago! I love my family but I have to think of myself right now. No one lives in our skin and knows what it's like! I don't feel selfish, I feel like I will be giving myself back to my family, to go swimming with my grandchildren, to take long walks with my husband and to go shopping with my daughters on the day after Thanksgiving!!! I can't do those things now.....Lauren, I really hope your surgery goes well and your sister will see that you are doing this not only for you but for your family! Take care, Jean

Lauren, My family had a "last supper" and family day. They didn't tell me that is what they were doing, it's just that it was all so apparent to me. My daughters, their husbands, and all 5 of my grandkids came. They were all light hearted, sat and watched my "favorite movie" with me, and played "my favorite CD's". My grandkids each gave me wonderful little hugs and kisses all day long and my daughters kept giving me hugs also. Both my sons-in-law gave me huge hugs when they left. On the way home I said, "Wow, I feel more confident about this surgery than they do!" I think I made peace, finally reached a place of contentment about what I was doing and knew WHY I was doing it. As you said, the benefits of this surgery far outweighed the risks in my opinion. Go in with positive thoughts in your head and a prayer in your heart. You will be fine. Everyone told me that....and I am here 5 days after surgery to say - I don't regret it at all...I feel great already! Good Luck - I'll keep you in my prayers! Gayla

hey hunny..... dont be afraid....I just had my surgery tooo on the 23rd. I was a nervous reck...but I prayed and I was determined to make it through.. I did great! I had my surgery wed and was home friday. I have been to town to the grocery store and I am getting around good... I prayed and god was with me and he still is and will continue to be with me on my journey.. Pray and believe have no doubts and you will be fine.... God bless you...hugs, carol

Hi Lauren, Don't worry, you can eventually have all that food again but you will get full quicker so your portions will be much smaller and as long as you eat good food the majority of the time, you will be fine. I plan on having a favorite once in a great while but until I lose all my weight I plan on staying on protein (which I love too). You will be so happy that you chose this surgery and you will feel so good after you lose weight. I have lost 36 pounds so far and after I lose 60 more, I know I will feel great. Honey, we all worship food or we wouldn't have to have this surgery. This is an answer to our prayers. Hugs, Esther