yesterday was day of mixed emotions. my grandson's first birthday, I busted the scale, 156.6, that is up 13.5 lbs from my lowest low in 2006. I can not imagine how, since I busted my tail in the yard for 6 hours solid, raking leaves, picking them up with a pitchfork, and standing on them in the trashcan, 17 (40 gallon) bags later the yard looks great, I feel wretched. while I was working, I was drinking water or vitamin water. I ate two 1/2 sandwhches with smoked turkey and a slice of cheese to keep my blood sugar level, but towards the end, I was still getting woozie. the birthday party was nice, BBQ'd me a killer little steak, I ate it with my fingers, it was that good. it held me off for a couple of hours and then sitting at the table, with sugar cookies, cheeze crackers, and birthday cake, just kicked my tail. by the time I went to bed, I was seriously dumping from all the cake (no frosting, just cake). I tried to get more water down, but that was just not happening. I plan to get more water down today, so far I have had one pancake, and a couple of handfuls of trails mix. Maybe I should make me a tea or coffee.

Your last sentance really strikes a chord with me. I have tried so hard on this journey fo rit to be a wholistic one fo healing for me - healing of body mind and spirit. And I felt I was getting somewhere with it all. Yet, just lately on some days I feel exactly the same. The old Ruth creeps back in when I'm not looking. Seems like this is going to be a lifetime journey being constantly vigilant on all fronts, not just about gaining weight...

from the other side of the fence. I am at goal. I am in the size that I only dreamed about when I was 17. I have muffin rolls.. I look like the michelin man. http://skitzzo.com/images/michelin.jpg however, when I ask my dh, he is all like, oh baby, I want you every minute of everyday. but he wanted me like that before I got skinny. at one point, I was nakid, and from the back, he said onetime that I look perfect, all my skin is from boobs to pelvic bone. what I am finding this week is that I am on the scale every single day and it is creeping up. .5 a lb here and there to where I am starting to get sick with worry but I am still nibbling on that Kaluha Chocolate Pudding Chocolate Cake with Cappuccino icing and each time I do it, I swear, when this is gone, I will never bake again. I switched and got a full plate last night, big mistake, but It was just irritating me to no end that I was not eating off of a grown up plate, I took 80% of what my husband took as a portion, and I ate 75% of it, I actually scrapped off about what I should have taken. but I am just frustrated with how much work I have had to go through. it is not that I do not get support, I get tons. it is not that my husband is not adoring my body, he loves it, fat, thin, he doesnt care. seriously. it is just my own issues. what I am willing to settle for and right now I find that I am willing to settle and allow those 7 lbs to come back and I wonder if I am willing to gain 1 extra pound a month, maybe I am dumb enough to allow that to continue for the next 24 months and then I will be on my way to the next level. allowing it all to go back, because it already has to some extent. I do not eat three times a day anymore, I graze and grab what I can when I think about it. hover mints and candies at my desk because I do not stop to think about me, I feel pressured from myself to get everything done. I am putting myself back under the 'super mom' mode. be there for the kids at school. be there for the kids at cub scouts. be there for the grand baby. be there for my daughters. be there for my customers. be there for my friends. be there for my career development. be there for my finances. be there for my home and yard. be there for every other bloody thing. it is just as if I have not learned a freaking thing in the last two years.

That's really interesting Diane, as when I'm sipping my latte, no matter where I am, alone or not, I feel exactly the same way. There is something about sitting and sipping - an extravagance almost. Here's to relaxing, time to ourselves and drinking lattes

I have been doing so well this week, going to the gym, overcome my inner voice everyday so I can get my butt to the gym, but I don't know.. yesterday I think I fell off the freakin' cliff. I usually get a biscotti at Starbucks to go with my latte. Harmless, just one, no biggie. So yesterday, I swung by the grocery store to get skim milk for work (I actually have an expresso machine at work and make lattes instead of always running out to starbucks). As I am leaving I walk down the cookie aisle and see biscotti. I think, heck, I can get this box, make lattes at work for a few days and save lots of money by not going to Starbucks for their biscotti. Harmless.... wrong!! I almost ate the whole darn box!!! It probably wouldn't be so bad, but I had a big ass biscuit for breakfast with bacon and grilled potatoes. Okay, today is a new day... I will do better. Yeah.. I'm convinced.. NOT! I have 3 biscotti at my desk still. They are calling my name. My plan...I am going to eat those evil biscottis and starting tomorrow do the 5 day pouch test to rid these evil carb cravings from my body. I will be working some long crazy hours beginning next Friday for about 10 days straight and need to get myself ready and stronger to avoid all the "bad" foods that will be everywhere at work and if I don't rid myself of my Christmas weight then I am going to have an even bigger challenge ahead of me. Thanks for letting me come clean!! Diane