HELP! I need some reassurance, some hugs...something

Foks I can use some help or at least some reassurance that I'm not the only one battling these demons. I am doing pretty well weight wise, it's at a stand still at this moment but that's due to my monthly nightmare. When i'm not going through pms I have a handle on what to eat and what not to eat, during pms it's like a free for all! My boobs arrive at work a full 30 minutes before I do and yet seeing that 2-3 pound weight gain once a month makes me nuts. They gave me a water pill but for some odd reason no matter when I take it, I only piddle through the night so my hooters are huge AND i'm so tired I can't even function. For some reason I see the fat Andi in the mirror and she's taunting me and I hear her trying to coax me back to the morbidly obese side and that frightens me to my core. I don't want to go back there again, I hated who I had become when I was her. Is it truly like having split personalities, was I the only one who was different when I was morbidly obese? Anyone else out there have any "issues" or is it just me? Please don't tell me to get back to basics that's like taunting a bull with a waving red scarf at this point in my life. I know what I have to do it's actually doing it that i'm having some trouble with. I am waiting on two checks and then I'm joining the gym, there will be NO excuses for me to not exercise. I've got my ipod, I have great sneakers and then i'll have my gym membership! I love dancing and yet I've denied myself dancing because I don't have the energy to leave the house. My blood levels come back fine and yet I'm so tired I can't even stand myself. I'm in bed by 8:00pm and i'm up around 3:00am so can I work out at 3am, I guess I could admit that I'm up and go work out but i'm not sure if that would work, would i be exhausted all day or energized (guess i'll have to test my theory). So for those of you that just think i'm hard hearted I lay myself open and vulnerable, I'm having a tough time with the demons in my head. I started with a therapist last week, she's mucking up more more head demons then she's helping at this point which i guess is good because that'll help me expose them and work on them. Andi

Andi, First things first {{hugs}}!! You are not alone. This whole time of the month thing makes me nuts now. I never understood what bloating was when I was SMO. Heck, what was a couple pounds of water weight on a 300+ lb body. Now, I feel so fat, my belly just swells out, my jeans get too tight and I feel like I've put on 20 lbs. And the cravings.. chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate. I can relate to tired, too. When I saw my doctor in July, I complained to him that I was tired all the time. He looked at my blood work and everything was fine. So I suffered with the tiredness for months, just drank more caffeine when I was tired. A wonderful vicious cycle, probably one similar to how I got SMO. So then in October I did the 5 day pouch test and actually managed to keep carbs at a bay for about 4 weeks. I felt fantastic. I had energy through the roof. So for me, my energy zapper is carbs!! Exercise.. has been an evil word. I haven't done anything in over 12 months (shame on me!) and my body is getting pissed off because I am not doing anything for my muscles. So I vow to put a work out plan together and get my body moving again. I you for seeing a therapist. I don't think I am strong enough to confront all of my demons. I have issues, they are deep rooted, and to talk to someone about them, oh my God, I am sure it would be like slicing my heart right open and pouring salt and then a little gasoline on it. Hats off to you, dear!!! Perhaps you are falling back into an eating comfort zone to get through this emotionally trying time. In the long run, you will be healing and most likely not have as many issues to emotionally eat over. Make sense? So, my best advice for you (and for me), get back to the basics and get moving. Protein first, getting in the 2 or 3 oz, 5 times a day (or what ever your doctor prescribes), get your water in, and get moving. You don't have to start with a 20 or 30 minute cardio session, commit to 5 minutes. Just a few minutes a day will make you feel better!! One day at a time... Diane

((((((((Diane))))))))))))) thank you so much for validating what I'm feeling. There is nothing like going through nonsense and feeling that you are alone. I felt that if i didnt deal with my demons they'd come back and haunt me and I don't want that! I have enough trouble sticking to a program if I don't excise some of my demons there won't be room for improvement. Please don't get me wrong this is not easy, we're clearing out many many years worth of festering nonsense. Each day brings a new opportunity to reach for the brass ring and that's what i'm going to do. Today my vow is to get out and walk more or even clean the house (oh the joy in that!) and get in all of my fluids. I think i dehydrated myself yesterday and I felt yucky all day long. ANDI

Andi, Someone once told me (and not to long ago at that) it wasn't about perfection So don't be so hard on yourself. Heck, we have the rest of the world that will do that for us Diane

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Andi))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) You know you are never alone. We are here to support you and stand with you and there will ALWAYS be someone going through what you are going through I believe. I am right with you on the tiredness issue. I have no idea why, I take all my vitamins / suppliments etc. Have you spoken with your doctor? Maybe you are not sleeping due to stress, therefore making yourself more tired / over tired causing sleeplessness from being over tired viscious circle type thing. Only time will tell whether exercise will improve energy levels or compound them. PMS - can you doctor help with this too? I have a theory that our bodies react far more and are far more sensitive to hormones now they are smaller. They got used to coping with a much larger mass and now can't adjust to the smaller mass. I have no research of scientific data to back me up on this! Maybe you need some kind of medication to help with pms. How long have you felt like this? Is it a case of needing a break from focussing on food etc. and needing a vacation from it, or has it been long enough and needing to find life style strategies? As Diane said, if therapy is stirring up issues, you may need to focus on these while you are healing and put losing on the back burner for a while. I personally dont' think it does any harm to 'rest' our bodies for a while, seing as you are so close to goal. There is plenty of time left to get back into it. On the grads board there are people several years out still working towards their goal, or are re-visiting it. As I said to Karen in another post, it didn't take us two years to get to the size we were, so there's no need to put that pressure on ourselves to get to goal within a certain time limit. You are taking the right steps, just take one day at a time, one hour / minute at a time if that's what you need to do. Keep posting so we can walk with you.

((((((((((((Ruthy)))))))))))))))))))))) Hi Honey! My body has been resting for a long time now and I need it kicked into high gear. You're right we need to keep the goal in mind and realize that the road to get there is not the same for everyone. I can't be bothered to weigh and measure everything that goes into my mouth I don't have that kind of time in my life! I am doing better today. The pms pills don't work I don't absorb them normally. Hugs, ANDI

OK Andi you and me are gonna kick our bodies (and butts!) into high gear. My body too has 'rested' long enough and it's time to get back onto the slide downward again. I too don't have the time, energy or inclination to weigh, measure or count what goes into my mouth, so we need to find some other way to increase our loss. As you say, any kind of exercise is gonna do it - I've just got to 'do it' (ala Nike). Even positive thinking will help at this point...I'm going to do the PMA post - hope thats ok with you as for the pms - those around you will just have to put up with it like I'm sure they do anyway, as they love you and you can live through it like you are and have been. hugs

Alright Andi.. bend over... KICK... now do you feel better.. I dont think so. Honey, this is a long journey. It's not one that ends in 6 months to a year. It's not one of those diets you can start and stop. It's a lifestyle change. This is also a very hard time of the year. It's cold, dark and things that we would normally be able to do are not there for us. Our bodies are cold and they store more fat during this time as well. We just finished a major holiday sequence and I know I am struggling cause I was eating cookies and all kinds of bad things during that time. Reigning myself back in now has been really tough and sometimes I just want to scream... why cant I have these things.. I've been good. Than I sit back and remember.. it's a lifestyle change. Today I got on the scale and found an additional five pounds staring up at me and I have no idea what I did to get that. so for the last 4 hours I have been freaking out trying to understand what I did and wondering if I should do something crazy to get back down. the answer is no. I will stay with what I am doing and it should come back down. I have to have faith in my plan and know I am doing things right to maintain the weight I want. Now for you, I am not sure if you are still trying to loose those last few pounds still, but, you gotta sit back, look at the overall picture. Are you sticking to the lifestyle changes you need to. No one can kick you in the butt but your self here. Take the time to set up a plan, make a schedule and stick to it. You are waiting the the gym. Hey they have programs on cable all the time you can work out to. Do that until the gym comes through. I know you dont want to hear it, but get back to basics. Get that protein in, avoid those carbs and see if you start feeling more energtic. I know when I over do the carbs I am very tired all day. when I stick to proteins I have energy to burn and it's hard to keep me sitting down. Look at you intake. What is the ratios like. Set up fitday or sparkpeople and really take a good look at what you are doing. I know when I started doing that I realized that I could make better choices and some choices I thought were good wherent so good. as far as PMS .. oh yeah I have that.. when I have my period which seems to be about every 4 motnhs right now. dont know why. So I dont even know if i can blame the five pound gain on that because I am so irregular. I can tell you when I am gonna start I feel like i am five months pregnant. I look down and see a big belly swelling right in front of my eyes. As you know, I have no boos so I dont have your problem there but I know soreness sucks. I do get cramps and backpain which tylenol doesnt help much for, but hey.. its what we are allow to take now. Like I said, this is a lifestyle change not a temporary fix. For the rest of my life at least, I know I cant eat sugar, bbq, overly dry meat and many other things cause I will dump. Is that a good thing. I dont know but it is my life now. I know we have all been in this now for almost 2 years and it's tiring to a point. I think does it end, will I ever be able to just eat without thinking about what I am putting in my mouth. Will I ever be normal again. I dont think so, so for me instead of stressing over it, I have just decided to go with the flow which is how I live my life. Accept and embrass it even if its not always what I want. I am glad you are seeing someone to help you with your inner self. thats a good thing. Take care of yourself and know that I am here for you whenever you need me. I care about each and everyone on this site. I think it's getting tough right now for a lot of us. we are tired of this diet thing. When was the last time we every stuck to one this long... NEVER... so have faith in yourself my friend.. it's gonna be ok. Hope to get to feeling better real soon. Carla

Hey Carla I'm hyjacking this post a bit - hope you don't mind Andi, but something Carla wrote struck a chord with me: "I think it's getting tough right now for a lot of us. we are tired of this diet thing. When was the last time we every stuck to one this long... NEVER... " That is SO what I am feeling right now. I am tired of trying to eat the right thing without seeing any results for months. I am tired of doing the right thing, I have never stuck to a diet for remotely this long. I am tired of not seeing the scales moving downwards even when I 'do everything right'. I am tired of feeling tired. I did the 5 day plan and lost 5 pounds then it went right back on again and I'm still struggling with the same 7 / 8 pounds going up and down up and down like a yoyo. Anyone else feel like this? Maybe Carla is right, maybe it is the season and I will feel better when the Spring and sunshine comes...

Carla thank you so much for your beautiful words, they touched my heart. Lately, I'm feeling a bit disconnected because i'm not at goal...11 more lbs and I will be. I am tired bordering on exhausted every single day of my life and I take my vitamins, my carbs are under control and I'm still just plain old tired. I am on a medically supervised diet so I am not eating out of my "norm" so that i can lose this last 10lbs by the kids bar mitzvah. As the stress gets more and more I feel more and more like going back to old habits.....it's hard not to rely on what you know. As the therapist drags up old feelings of inadequacy i want to turn towards food but i know that won't help me so i read and sleep a lot (sounds like depression to me but she won't give me meds!) I'll be fine I just need some warm weather, how many days in a row can it be less then 10 degrees when you leave the house before the depression sets in? I just threw the popcorn out of my house so the temptation is leaving slowly. I guess i'll start back on the diet with the next meal and hope for the best. Maybe i'll dance tonight or run up and down the steps. there's got to be an answer. Keep in mind that if snails wait in the same spot for too long they can become lunch for someone else, does that apply to dieting as well? Hugs, ANDI