How Do You....

If you became friends with someone and after about a year you realize it's no longer a healthy, nourishing friendship how do you let it end? Do you tell the person flat out that it's no longer healthy or nourishing or do you just let it go down the natural path? I feel badly that it has to end but really it's not healthy for me and it's starting to weigh me down emotionally and I don't need the excess baggage or guilt? Thanks for your input, ANDI

This is a hard one I know. I have a simliar problem and what I have done is just let it kind of disolve. Reduced calls, sorry cant make it.. of course that is my style. With this person, she is very needy and unwilling to help herself but wants me to support her when she is making wrong choices.. I cant do that.. to just tell her get lost would not be a good thing either as she is emotionally having problems. I have distanced myself from her and on the rare occassion we now tal****ep it fairly short.. try to be understanding and move on. we use to talk for hours everyday. we rarely speak but once a month now. If there is something you draw from the friendship there is no reason to completely close it. Move it to a space that you can be comfortable in. maybe it is speaking less or limiting time out with them. Find what works for you and makes you comfortable. If it is meant to be that the realationship needs to end.. it will happen in its own way, but pushing it only makes you and the other person feel ackward. Especially if it is just a difference of option or ways.. no one is to fault for that relationship to faulter.

It's more then a difference of opinion, I have no problem with differing views, it's the fact that she is a taker and i'm a giver and it becomes unhealthy when there's a balance. I feel like i'm enabling her to have unhealthy behaviors or encourage her neurosis by covering up for them or apologizing to others for them. It's making me uncomfortable and that's not good for me. ANDI ps. thank you for answering so quickly and so honestly

My first instinct is to just tell her that you can't continue with the friendship...say what you mean and mean what you say sort of thing BUT...in reality I would probably just put some distance between you and her...not be available. I too have had once good friends that have become more distant when I decided that I was not gonna be walked all over...or spend all my time making them look good. It's their choice as to whether they will continue with the friendship under your terms. If not, well then your better off without them. They weren't true friends anyways. Just my two bits worth.

hey Trish, thank you for your two bits. I'm going to wait it out I just don't want to deal with it right now and I'm still not feeling the friendship is worth saving. I'm analyzing it and there are so many things going on in my life right now that she is just draining me. ANDI

I've been in this situation and it's certainly not a nice one to be in. My tendancy is to avoid it (as I avoid all conflict), rather than confront, or I let the friendship drift for a while - give it some distance and see what the natural flow happens. Sometimes the friendship just needs some space to readjust to a healthy level, or for you to reassign yur boundaries, but sometimes the space will allow the friendship to fade away. I believe that sometimes there is a natural life span and my tendancy is to force something to live when in reality I shoul dhave let it die. Hope you get this sorted in your mind. Spend time with those who you can receive from for a while. It's all too easy for people like you to be givers and others relax into that pattern. ***hugs***

Hi Andi I avoid it too, and just quietly put distance between me and that other person....