what I have learned this weekend

(there is a question for you at the bottom of this tirade) food. OMG. for those that are not at goal do not get in the habit of having contraband in the house. if I have animal crackers in the house, I eat them obsessively. if I oreos in the house, I eat them obsessively. if I have trail mix in the hosue, I eat it obsessively if I bake anything yummy in the house, I eat them obsessively. this week I baked cupcakes, no frosting, I ate them obsessively. I made a coconut cake, it is slowly dwindling away. finally getting the 'fulfilled feeling' from the sweets. I just make the cake per the recipe, no added sugar, no frosting, so I do not feel guilty enough eating it. yesterday though I was a bad bad bad bad bad mambojamma, we were at the mall, I was STARVING... I had cottage cheese and peaches for breakfast, a whole can of lentil / vegetable soup for lunch, so walked down to get a water, seriously, that was what I planned, stopped at great American cookie, got the boys each a water. got them each a sugar cookie. at this point, you have to say, JUST WALK AWAY right? I got a large root beer no ice, and two cookies and nearly inhaled them. I knew I was going to dump, I couldn't believe that I was able to inhale them, but I did. I waited another 40 minutes on my husband to finish his shopping and we went to dinner and I was able to consume about 3x my normal post op food at the sweet tomatoes buffet. I do not seem to have learned a damn thing in the last year. okay I have LEARNED but I have also be able to slip right back in there. yes I used to eat only two cookies and drink a large root beer. no I never really went back for ginormous portions, I was able to maintain my obesity on relatively small portions. my husband was dumb founded by it. I would eat three slices of pizza, he would eat 7, he would lose weight I would gain it. I feel for those that are not at goal. for those that are continually refocusing. I do not know why we as a collective are programed this way, that it continues to be a battle 12 months out. we knew the simple concept that less is more before surgery. we still know it. we know what it takes to loose, if we go back to the basics, eat what we did 1 month post op instead of what it takes to stretch our pouch, we can continue to lose. I know that cakes are not good for me. I know that cookies are not good for me. I know that root beer is not good for me. and yet. here I am, still doing it. I may be able to maintain with my 'mal-absorption' feature and continue to do what I am doing right now. but I seriously doubt it. I THINK that I am focusing on protein when I have a bowl of cottage cheese for breakfast, and the 1/2 cup of peaches on top are really my fruit serving for the day. but seriously, we are talking about 8 oz of cottage cheese and 4 oz of peaches in one sitting. that is a lot of food considering. and it must not have done any good, because I finished it 20 minutes ago and I am already on my third handful of nuts / raisins / chocolate trail mix snack. I know that I NEED to go down and fill up on fluids. I do KNOW this. I just don't WANNA. for some reason my whole being balks at the idea of consuming PLAIN water. I know what is right and wrong, I just do not wanna. now lunch today will have to be something with substance, because it is obvious that the slider food is killing me. and it is not that I am gaining or losing or anything to do with the scale. I am totally looking at this from a behavior management issue because while this month I seem to have a get out of jail free card and I can do what ever I want, this is not a good cycle to get into. somewhere today I talked about frustration at not being able to drink a coffee without dumping, it so totally frustrates me that I on cream of wheat twice. that is the trigger that send me irritatingly to the betty crocker cookbook if I on something as wholesome as cream of wheat, then what the hell, I might as well on something yummy like cupcakes. darnit! stinkin thinkin will get you every time. reflecting back, I am sure it was the butter in the cream of wheat and not the cream of wheat it self that kicked my butt into the bathroom, which makes me even more disgrunted at myself, I should know better. I can not have 1/2 and 1/2 or even milk in my coffee what makes me think that I can have butter in my cereal? I just want to scream. I know what sabotaged me this week, I know what I did to retaliate, which really sabotaged me last night. you would think that a person of my education (three college degrees) would get a freaking clue!!!!! so my question to 'ya'll is this and be honest. do you eat the same amount that you did the first month out or do you eat more? do you eat three or four or five times a day? do you keep yourself to the 'diet' or do you eat what you want and focus on proteins or at least tell everyone that you are including yourself? Kat (Klein, Texas) http://www.wretchedheathen.com (home) http://www.barefootcreation.com (work)

yes I eat more than I did right after surgery but you would have to dont you think. I in no way eat as much as I did before.. Yes I do stick to my plan and yes it gets hard some times, but this is what I want.. I always remember that saying that nothing taste as good as thin feels.. those words are never so true to me.. It is a battle each day.. and yes I do struggle.. I have demons like sugar free hard candy that I sometimes eat.. but my pouch is still small and picky and I choose not to push the envelope and see what I could really do if i wanted to.. I plan to stick to this way of eating the rest of my life.. I may have days I blow it or times or moments in time.. but I know that over all this is gonna be me forever and I accept and welcome it. Again.. nothing taste as good as thin feels and my life has never been better than it is now... I wouldnt change it for the world..

Kat, Yes, you put into words all that I have been feeling especially the last week or so...No, I don't eat the same amount that I did the first month...not even close. It concerns me so much. I know for sure that my problem is slider food and too many snacks. Sweets are not my problem but "crunchy/salty" is...I crave it like crazy. Yes, I eat 4 or five times a day...hey and lets not even talk about those times you "munch" on something in between your meal and snack time...what is that all about? No I really don't keep myself on the "diet", I do eat what I want (including the occassional cheeseburger) all the while trying to stay within the calorie range...does it work, not really. Do I focus on proteins? Yes, I tell myself I do but in reality I guess not cause I always fall short in that area although I don't seem to have much of a problem consuming all of my fat and carbs! I too have been feeling like I am retreating into old bad habits...I don't think my pouch is gonna stop me or at least I have learned how to trick it into letting me slide. I know we have learned how to succeed and I agree with you it is just a matter or WANTING to...it is so much easier not to. But we WILL succeed...we WILL get our acts together...We HAVE to, come on how miserable will we feel and be if we let this get away from us...we have come too far. I was even thinking about doing something drastic like going back on protein shakes only for a week or so...just to kinda clean up my system and reset my pounch (I've read about it on other boards) but in reality I don't need to do that...it's my mind that needs resetting...so, truly back to basics...good sources of protein first, no "nibbling, snacking, munching, grazing or what ever else we call it"... Eat less, exercise more...This is the first day of the rest of our lives...

looking at some back issues and side issues and all those peripheral issues, as a child of an alcohol I really do not want to even consider that I have had or would ever have an addiction of any kind, that would indicate that I have an issue that I simply at this time can not deal with and refuse to accept. but I think for some reason, there was supposed to be a majic wand that was waved by my surgeon while I was on the table that would solve my problems if I simple accepted that I would have a tiny pouch and that if I consumed sweets and fats that I would barf and that if I was not careful I would become dehydrated. and that I had to consume vitamins all the time. what about all the other issues? surely those went away with my life savings? I swear.. I do not want to think about tracks, or will power or anything I just want it all to be magical. ~*poof*~ and I could be totally whining in my beer, I could just be at this magical stage for the next 32 years, nibble here, snack there, gobble here and chow down there. but I have a sneaking suspicion that is NOT the case. I feel like the meal is done, the deserts are on the table, and that THE CHECK IS COMING and SOMEONE has to pick up the tab. heehee Kat (Klein, Texas) http://www.wretchedheathen.com - home http://www.barefootcreation.com - work

Well put Kat! Yesterday we went to 2 grad parties & 1 birthday party. I ate way more than I should have ( although way less than anyone else- and about 1/3 of what I woulld have ate pre-op) However, I saw a girl at the last party who had WLS 5 years ago & she has gained a lot of her weight back! That scared the poo out of me. I do not want to gain back even 1 pound!!!!!!

I agree so much with EVERTHING that you wrote about! I am having so much trouble reaching my goal and never will if I don't find a magic wand!!! I am "maintaining my weight",but not getting to my goal! Thats not what I expected! I read about everyone reaching their goals and how much they exercise and its sooooo depressing!! I can munch all day long,too!!! People say to keep it out of the house.....well its hard when you have kids...can't deprive them of a treat now and then !! Then they can eat and eat and not get heavy (hate those kind of people!!) But I am ever so grateful to you Kat for being so honest!! But thats me,too...!!!!! I can eat so much now and still think my surgery didn't work!!!

I have big kids at home and little kids at home and seriously I know from experience that kids are a cop op. let me reiterate... do not blame the kids. they do not need any treats that are not on your plan and you do not need to eat with them to be sociable. Magnus and Erik are nearly 6 and 8 and growing boys, but they have the same size tummy as I do, so they can eat the same amount, and they can go as long as I go without food. perfectly healthy and normal to start them out right --- right now--- eating what we do when we do in the quantities that we do. kat

I eat more, most of the time. I try and stay healthy.. and I slip too occasionally.... but the thought of being fat again keeps me focused ... and thank God I dump.. on any sugar and greasy stuff..

When i read your post i wasn't quite sure where you were going with it! Are you concerned that you are obsessively eating foods you know you should stay away from, are you concerned that you are eating more then you obviously know you should but are ok with that because there were triggers this week? In my before kids life I was a chef, and might I add a pretty good one, not great but good enough! Last week I baked 10 pies and some sick amount of cookies for graduation parties and two baby shower cakes for friends, I tasted none, didn't want to, didn't need to, felt no real urge! I had my first going away party on Friday and we went out for some awesome mexican food, I asked for a small plate, filled it with assorted goodies and ate until I wasn't hungry anymore. Today they had (5) cakes for my going away party and a tray of cookies-why they needed so many goodies is beyond me, I chose not to eat any simply because I'll be going out for my last party tonight, in 15 minutes i've got a reception for the American Heart Association....I am eating a snack pack cottage cheese now so that i can start drinking my fluids! I think this surgery is about making choices. I was so jealous of your weight loss when this journey began, but really I think I need to thank G*D for allowing me to go on this journey slowly and steadily so that I don't have food issues and that i was able to purge my food demons and they dont' control me! I have three small children in my house and I have snacks up the wazoo, I choose not to eat them. My mother in law is terribly ill and I go down to their house to cook/clean at least twice per week, I've got stress all up and through me, but i don't take it out on myself, I'm much too valuable for that! If i can't get to the gym, I do what i can at home or I vow to do better the next day, end of story, I'm not a slave to the gym! Best of luck to you with your food demons. Perhaps getting yourself some help would make it easier. ANDI

I do not feel that there are food demons. I feel for others that may have some food demons lurking and they are still not at goal. they do not talk about the nibbles and delights. all I can say is that even at goal, I find that there are nibbles and delights in the house. tonight I ate and then went grocery shopping. I went up and down each isle. I WANTED the cookies, I didnt put them in the cart. I wanted the 100 cal oreo pack, I didnt put them in the cart. I wanted the apple cider, I figured, empty calories, I didnt put it in the cart. I really really wanted the apple fritter turn overs, they were singing my name. I went right past and didnt put them in the cart. for a few seconds at each turn I was faced with a choice. and part of me begrudged that choice to tell myself no. no one else told me no. I told me no. SOME PEOPLE may be blessed with never wanting or even considering it a choice. but I still do and will always want the goodies. I know that today I can eat whatever I want and not gain, there are no consequences RIGHT NOW. but my recommendation for those that are not at goal and for those at goal, do not be tempted to do it. because it maybe only a slow down now, but eventually it will work like it always did, and you will start gaining again. I do not think that there is a therapist in the world that can possible help me, heehee I just know that in the future there will come a time when I stop mal-absoporbing so I might as well continue on the righteous path and I would cautiously advice all the good chefs, bad chefs and everyone in between. that get out of jail ticket is not forever so there is no point in starting back old habits. I didnt know if I would stop loosing. I ate to the opposite extreme in order to not go below. it stopped. I didnt know if I could eat and not dump. I can. so that is not a fail safe either. Anyone tells you that you can do it without will power is full of it. I still have to have the will power to resist eating between meals, to resist buying or baking the sweets. I still have to have the will power to not eat so much that I stretch my pouch. and I still have to have the will power not to pull a fast one by eating slider food which I know will slide out before I am finished so that I can sneak more in. this is as much a cautionary tale for those at goal as it is for those not at goal. as for the kids and snacks. I raised the first 3 with snacks and the last two without snacks. I do not feel that it was fair to the first three, they are now all obese and I should have known better. but that last two have the benefits of my new wisdom and will hopefully maintain their BMI of 19 rather than joining the snack pack club of the older ones.