Parenthood advice needed *sigh*

I am so sorry you are going through this Ruth. As you know I am a parent of 4 adopted children. Bob doesnt know or even discuss his biological family. On the other hand my other children know and remember in some ways their mother. When i got angie she was 8 years old and very devoted to her mom. She visited her on a regular basis as did all my kids. Lalo was 4 but enjoyed visiting with her because she always brought things and they would go to the park or McDonalds and they got to play on the toys. My youngest was affraid of her and really never wanted anything to do with her. They visited her up til about 4 years ago when we were continuing to have problems with her following our rules plus Lalo was really struggling with issues with her. A little history.. she would come see them stoned and at times not even able to carry on a conversation. I didnt want her bringing them gifts because it gave a unrealist picture of her.. she was the nice lady that played with them and gave them things while I was the mean mom that made them clean their rooms, do homework etc.. you can see where this was going. After repeated attempts to get her to stop and her not showing for meeting my oldest got upset with her and said she no longer wanted to see her.. I didnt argue and visits were stopped. Lalo was a different story. he was angry with her.. he called her the fake mom. He was the same age as your daughter.. things at that age are very black and white. If she was the mom why wasnt he with her and she must be a fake if he didnt live with her. he wet himself when he would see her and would really have a tough time after visits. After speaking with counselors we decided it was best if he didnt see her anymore for a while. Lalo did tell people at school and me that he missed her. He never said he wanted to live with her but I think that was in the back of his mind. Schools have a way of bringing these feelings up with projects that are geared to family and kids have tangible thought processes. Well which mom do I say.. its a tough place for a young childs mind to be. This is what I said to him. I told him that although I am sure his mommy loved him that she just wasnt able to be like a mom in his life.. she wanted what was best for you and for you to have a good life with a real mommy that could care for you and love you. Not that she didnt love you but she knew she wanted you to have the best life ever and knew that me and oejo wanted to love and care for you forever. She was pretty brave for that. We are your mommies now and we choice you to be our son. Thats pretty amazing. It's hard sometimes answering questions in school about your mommies when you see Gloria (I called her by her name) as the mom who had you. But that is not what makes a mom.. a mom is someone who raises and cares for you. teaches, makes you feel better when you are sick. thats what a real mom is.. than I ask him if thats what me and oejo did. he aggreed. so we must be the real moms and the moms who will love him forever was what he gathered from the conversation. He uses us as examples at school now although it is still tough. He needed tons of info for a project at school and I just didnt know it.. I ended up telling him to the best of my knowledge where he was born.. made up a time, made up a few other things.. how long in the hospital.. that kind of stuff so he could do his project.. I dont want him to have a false idea about his birth but he was determined to have an answer in the slots and not leave them blank. He has brought it up a couple times because he misses his cousins..etc.. even though I know he doesnt really remember them that well if at all.. You are lucky in one way. you have had millie since birth so you have many items I will never have of my children.. Pictures of them when they were babies is one. Many school projects are based around family.. pictures when they were babies.. etc. I dont have that to share.. Just the other day, Angie asked if she could use jessies picture and say it was her because we dont have any pics of her before she was 8. It's sad and hard to see your children have to deal with the tragedy of their young lives when things are so good now. They will need to deal with this for the rest of their lives and all you can do is be there to hold their hands. Ruthy u said the right thing and I agree with what andi said too. Just be good to each other and know that she is young and trying to put the adoption in perspective and find her way mentally with her childhood. It's better she deals with it now than finding out later on in life. At her age its all about what you can see and touch.. not what is intangibly right. I still am waiting for my 16 year old to say she wants to be with her mom.. so far I havent heard it but trust me.. i am so scared and worried that it will be coming.

Ruth we have the same situation at our house my hubby has raised my 8yo ryan since he was 3 and when he gets a bug up his butt ,it's always my "real dad" because of course he 's the fairytale dad in ryan's head (his bio father is not around and has'nt seen him since he was 1 .) We just tell Ryan that Anthony chose to love and take care of Ryan, he didn't do it cause he has to, hepicked RYAN for his son and made that choice! Every now and again ryno gets a bug up his butt and will start blaming me because he does'nt have any "real" brothers and sisters and that annoys me to no end because all in all this child has 2 brothers 1 half and 1 step and 4 sisters 2 half and 2 step, mind you we never use the words half , step or real in our home ever! I know this is confusing so I'll break it down I gave birth to Ryan 8 and Colleen 3 My husband had 3 kids from a prior marriage Cindi 18 ,Ashley 16, A.T.12, Colleen 3 (ours) My X husband has Sara 14, Thomas 12 and my Ryan 8

Hi Ruthie! I have a different idea ... maybe Millie is seeking some sort of validation from you that you aren't going anywhere. My daughter, Abby, is 6 also and she is going through this "needy" phase right now where she thinks I don't like her. She is constantly wanting me to reaffirm that I do love her and I don't dislike her. Maybe Millie is kind of going through something similar. Maybe she's saying those things to see what your response will be? Is she testing the waters to see if you do really want her? Because I know you do! Maybe she just needs a little more reassurance that YOU are her Mommy and you love her no matter what and you're not going anywhere. I know this must be tough for you because in every sense, YOU are her Mommy! No one can take that away from you Ruth. You've been there all the way for her! Deanna

Hi Ruth, I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time with your little one.. I was on the other side,"my story".......When I was 15 I fell in love with a guy....got PG at 17, my mom and Dad decided to get a divorce that year. I hated the Dad then,cause he got me knocked up!!! Ruined my life,had to quit school...embarrassment to my family,etc... Well,my nice "mom" told me I couldn't keep the baby cause she raised 4 kids and wasn't about to raise another. So she went to welfare and signed papers and I never saw the baby but knew was I had a girl....thanks to my mom... I have been married now for almost 39 years to a wonderful guy,he knew all about what happened. Even offered to marry me when I was PG with the baby. But I ended up having 3 boys and let me tell you it hurt knowing I had a girl out there. I would cry every year on her birthday.And wondered where she was... Well,believe it or not when she was 19 years old she decided to find me.She said she always knew she was adopted.. It was a very hard time for me,my boys didn't know anything about it. I got to meet her "parents" and they thanked me for giving them the gift of a baby. She was unable to have kids. Its hard,she doesn't call me mom and she is married now and has a daughter. But she has her family and I'm just the other "mom". I do get a gift at mothers day and she keeps in touch,which she is about 90 minutes from me! At her wedding it was hard,we got invited and I got to go with her to see her dress. But we weren't recognized at the wedding or anything "special". So know that YOU will be number ONE in her life..you raised her not the REAL mom..She will be thankful for that someday...Good luck!

Hugs Karen. sounds like it was a healthy but painful process. I get the willies when my own biological daughters calls her motherinlaw 'mom'. but I keep it inside. it is not wrong for her to, just for me to feel that way.

Yes... it does make me feel bad when she talks about "her mom" but I guess I really don't have the right to expect anything else. I am just glad she doesn't hate me and she truly does understand why and what happened. She was raised by some wonderful,(strict parents),but she turned out just fine... So either way its hard,I'm sure her"mom" wasn't looking forward to her looking for me. I heard she had a really hard time with it,which I guess I don't blame her! I have a daughter-in-law now and she calls us mom and dad,cause she came from a mixed up family,so I have a good sweet daughter,too! I could never call my father-in-law or mother-in-law dad or mom----guess it was because I had a mom and dad and didn't want to hurt their feelings?? So I know how you feel about that,it would bother me,too.. Thanks!

now that I think about it, I do not call my inlaws mom and dad, just eva and jon. i guess no matter how much of a PITA my parents are, they are my parents and I am just stuck with them heehee as for increasing offspring numbers. I now have 1.5 son-in-laws. and I am comfy with that. nagging at them like they were my own, but if they were to start calling me mom, I think I would start to wig. ;)

Thank you for sharing that story with us Karen, gosh that sounds so difficult! Children have to be the most difficult, fabulous, painful, wonderful, experience in the whole world! ANDI

Andi, Yes it was and still is difficult.. I had allot of people that thought I was the most dreadful and meanest person in the world for giving a baby up for adoption. It is not an easy thing to do. Believe me when I held my first son in my arms all I could do was cry,thinking to myself,"how could ANYONE give a baby so precious away?" It was hard and its been almost 40 years now and it still breaks my heart. But anyway thanks for listening! It just helps sometimes to talk about it......

Oh honey i know the pain of what you speak of. After i lost Jonathan it seemed that everywhere we went people were talking so badly to their kids and hitting them and stuff like that, so painful to me because i wanted what they had! I think that's why I try so hard to be good to my kids because I know the pain of not having them when i wanted one so badly, i'm not sure if this is going to make sense to you or not, but it does in my head! I raise my children with the old adage, for what you reap ye shall sow! ANDI