Parenthood advice needed *sigh*

Off topic, but I know you guys won't mind. As some (most ) of you know my daughter is adopted. We fostered her from 2 days old, and then adopted her when she was 17months. In that time she had weekly visits with her biological family (including 2 older brothers). She is 6 years old. Well when she gets upset after being told off she has started saying that she wants to go and live with her real mommy, and tells me she's been crying at school because she misses her real family. She doesn't remember them, although she has photos and we have talked openly about them to her. She knows why she couldn't stay with them on a basic level. So what do I do? I was expecting this, but not til she was a teenager, not 6! I understand what's behind it, but actually dealing with it is a different matter, also because I know that although I do my best and no-one is perfect this links in to my perfectionist thing and wanting to be perfect at everything and not 'fail' & be a failure. This is also big because I want it (life) to be perfect for Millie too.

(((((((((((((Ruthy))))))))))))))))))))))) i wish i had answers for you. I think you need to explain to her that although you did not give birth to her, you and Ron are her family. Being a parent doesn't mean you birthed the child, it means you are there when she's throwing up, has diarrhea, isn't doing well in school etc. it's the good WITH the bad. I wish there was an easy answer and a quick fix, but there's not. This will sting for you because you've done your best, but for Millie, there is still a missing component to her life. I would not talk badly about her mum I'd definitely tell Millie that her mum did the best thing in the whole world for you and Ron because you guys wanted a new baby so badly! G*D chooses who comes in and out of our lives and out of our lives and for what reason. Best of luck with this one. ANDI

Thanks Andi You've just confirmed that everything I did and said was the right thing. EVERYTHING you replied was confirmation for me. I really needed to hear that.

Honey, these kids don't come with instruction manuals, although if they did that would be awesome. What's even funnier is that the approach you take with one child is NOT the approach you take with them all! My oldest kid is a realist, he likes when you tell him like it is, no sugar coating, no lying just lay it out there and see what happens. The second one can't know what's happening until about 40 seconds prior to it happening or he'll stew about it hard. My daughter i sometimes think, lives in fairy land and everyone is happy and bad things don't happen....i'd love to join her there for a little while. ANDI

Somehow I think your oldest takes after you?? But I too want to be like your daughter, just for a while anyway.

What is so funny to me is that all three kid are exactly like me in their own way: the older kid is a realist, that's me to a tee right there. The middle kid is so anal retentive he practically sh*ts diamonds, but he's also sarcastic and very very funny (so me) and the princess is spoiled, fashion conscious, sensitive, funny, smart, creative and that's a little bit of me and yet she and I look very much alike! Hugs, ANDI

oh oh oh, one of my favorite subjects. child manipulations. at some point, she said this to illicit a response and you responded. now she has a 'trigger' and she is pulling it. do not buy in to it. do not get sucked in. do not play the game. the sooner you nip it in the bud. the better. we have my kids and our kids and that game got old fast. now we do not even go there. with the youngest two, ages 5.75 and 7.5 years old. we are pretty nonchalant. they say, to us. their only parents, that they want new parents. and I say, while your out finding these new parents, get me some too, I am tired of doing all the work around here. if they say, I love daddy more than you, I say, I agree, I love daddy more than you as well, he lifts the toilet seat before he pees. kids smell fear, they will be more vicious the more they smell it. do not let them know that they have hurt you and they wont keep at it. they might keep looking, but 99% of the time, they just redirect and go after something else to pick on. last I heard, YOUR SO MEAN TO ME! and I say, yep, now you have something to tell Oprah. I seriously do not let one hurtful thing go with out a smart@$$ response that basically says, yes I heard you talking smack and no I really do not give a rats @$$. get over yourself. and I move on. (*note) I have 5 normal children and 1 normal grandchild.

A very interesting theory you have.. A child learns from their parents.. if you yell at them they will yell at you.. if you give smart responses they will smart response you. I think it is important to give a child a voice and let them know that their feeling are important and that you hear them. If you respond letting them know you hear them and their feelings are important it opens a line of communication that down the road when they are old they will feel they can come to you and discuss issues that are important to them. If you brush them off with none caring attitudes, you will get the same.. i see they say.. you are only parents.. sounds like a response that has stemed from your responses. It is important to nuture a child and their feeling so that later in life they feel secure in expressing how they feel and acknowledging others feelings. I'm not sure Millie was trying to hurt Ruth with her statement but inwardly this is something that is bothering her. She is unable to communicate this at this time so when she was angery, she let what has been going on in her head come out. We often say things in anger that we think but would dare never say out loud.. My daddy once told me when I said something hurtful to him.. "Carla we often say things we really think deep inside when we are angry.. you have hurt me.. If you felt this way should come and talk to me and we can resolve it" I was about 11 when I did this but I live that rule everyday. I never thought my dad would say that to me and his bone honesty hurt me more and made me think more than he could have ever hurt me with a smart a$$ response to what I said. By the way.. I came out pretty good.. a hard working member of society with an appreciation for others feelings. I will not just put people down or use smart remarks to show I'm better or dismiss their feeling with my own agendas. So I think my parents did ok with me and never once did they give me a smart remark back to my statements and I always honored them by never smarting off to them either. to this day I will not cuss in front of my parents because they did not cuss in front of me.. Its about building respect and giving people the right to feel and express it in more appropriate ways.

for some reason, babies do not come with instruction manuals. because there is no single right way to raise them, even between siblings, even between identical twins. one size does not fit all. I was not raised by a parent that 'validated' me or my feelings, and so have not had a built in legacy of fostering that type of behavior. I was raised that there are choices and consequences. totally unrelated to the topic, but still is circulating in my brain is a recent joke that I received: ____________________________ Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950's: 1. Teaching Math In 1950 s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math In 1960's A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970's A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Math In 1980's A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990's A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.) _______________________________________________________ I do not think that children are as easily influenced as some would say. there are children that are catered too all their life and have their egos stroked to the point of mind numbing adoration and they still grow up to take out 35 fellow students at school. and there are kids that have the crap beat out of them growing up and are the kindest most considerate and sensitive souls on the earth. there is no rhyme or reason. and they are as much a product of their environment in a genetic way as in any other way. the argument of nature vs nurture continues to be debated today. Kat (definitely raised on the conservative side of the blanket)

Ruthy, From my own experience..... My son is from my first marriage, my ex husband and I divorced when he was only 1 1/2. I remarried when my son was 6. Children amaze us with some of the stuff they say and believe it or not they know exactly what buttons to push. This is just my opinion, but whenever my son was upset about anything regarding a decision that I made as a parent or something that his stepfather said to him he would always say he wanted to go live with his father. It's a manipulation move on their part. He would see how upset I would get when he would say that and instinctively knew that I would give in because of the comment. After a few times though I realized why he was saying those things and it didnt last long. As Andi says....they don't come with an owners manual. We do our best thru trial and error and then hope for the best. We all want to be the best parent possible and all you can do is give it your best. I wish you only the best Ruthy...she is still so young. Get ready to brace yourself for the teenager years though. Remember she is still in training to be a teenager! LOL Kel