I'M SO ANGRY! :-@

I'm not even sure why i feel so angry and i hope my anger doesn't offend anyone, but i have to share and this seems like the only place that maybe people will understand. i got on the scales last night (which is a totally stupid and obsessive and really crazy thing to do!) and i weighed 149 at first then, i got off and got back on to make sure calibration was correct and it said 150.5. i've been 147 in the mornings for about 3 or 4 mornings now and i just got so mad that i saw 150 again that i stomped up and down on my scales for and when that didn't do anything i picked up my scales and slammed them on the floor several times and broke them!! it sounds so childish, i know, and i immediately prayed and told my Heavenly Father that I am so angry and I need help with that. i'm angry that my body ever needed this surgery, i'm angry that i got pregnant after this surgery (after years and years of infertility and trying to get pregnant) and at 15 weeks my placenta abrupted and my baby boy died. i'm angry that the scale is slow, i'm angry that i'm obsessed with my weight and that i can eat seemingly more food than anyone that has ever had this surgery (i have no problem getting in 1200-1400 cals a day!!) i'm angry that my perfect sister with the perfect life called me at 10:30 last night asking me when she should plan to come to my 20 year old daughter's wedding that i don't even want to get married in the first place. i'm angry that i've been at my job for 14 years and i feel so unappreciated. i guess i just feel so powerless over so many things. i thought this surgery would help me feel better about my body, and in some ways i do, but it's kind of crazy, but in other ways i feel just the same or worse. i always hated my body, always felt kind of betrayed by it, it never seemed to work right. oh, gosh, sorry for rambling. i just had to get this out somewhere. thank you, deborah

WOW! YOU REALLY ARE UPSET!! FiRST OF ALL, YOU WON'T MISS THOSE darn SCALES! i SURE WISH i COULD DO THAT,KEEP SAYING i'M GOING TO HAVE SOMEONE HIDE THEM SO i WON'T WEIGH MYSELF A TRILLION TIMES A DAY!! nEVER WEIGH YOURSELF AT NIGHT ANYWAY! i WEIGH MYSELF FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,NAKED AND GO BY THAT NUMBER! oF COURSE i WEIGH MYSELF i DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES MORE A DAY! tHEN i GET DEPRESSED AGAIN!! i'M A VERY SLOW LOSER....i WENT TO THE dR THE OTHER DAY AND i HAVE LOST 80 POUNDS SINCE LAST mARCH. i GET SO BUMMED READING HOW GOOD ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE DO ON THE BOARDS! i ALSO CAN EAT ANYTHING AND AM SO STUPID WHEN i FEEL FULL TO SIT THERE UNTIL THAT PASSES AND EAT MORE!! i HAVE NOT HAD ANY TROUBLE AT ALL EATING AND i HAVE BEEN OUT FOR 8 MONTHS NOW! i AM STUCK ON 197-98 AND NEVER THOUGHT i WOULD GET UNDER 200! nOW i AM AFRAID THAT i WILL BE STUCK AT THIS WEIGHT FOREVER!! mY JOB SUCKS TOO! i SIT BABYSITTING HIGH SCHOOL KIDS ALL DAY IN STUDY HALL,SO BORING!! tHATS ALL i WANT TO DO IS EAT! THEN i AM LAZY WHEN i GET HOME! tHATS OK TO VENT OUT YOUR PROBLEMS ON HERE--HAVE READ ALLOT OF THEM,SOME MAKES ME FEEL THAT i DON'T HAVE IT SO ROUGH! bUT GOOD LUCK--THINGS WILL GET BETTER! yOU WON'T MISS THAT SCALE!

Hi Karen! I'm so glad you brought up the issue of eating til you're full and then waiting til that feeling passes and then eating again. I'm finding that urge to do that returning too and I HATE IT! I used to be this way before surgery and now that desire is coming back again! UGH! Anyway, I can relate ... thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one! Deanna

Deborah, First and foremost, I am SOOOO VERY SORRY for the loss of your baby boy. How very tragic. I can relate to infertility issues because I had many, many years of it. It's a truly horrible thing to go through that most people don't understand. I'm so very sorry for your loss ... I know I can't say anything to make it feel better, but know that I do understand. I had a miscarriage years ago and it still devastates me. It's something we'll never recover from. Losing a child is a horrific thing. Next, I can totally relate to you! I also eat 1200-1400 calories on most days. However, my dietician is encouraging me to. I know other people have different eating guidelines but my dietician says a minimum of 1200 calories a day for me. And I can understand your ability to eat more than most people here, because I do too! At times I feel like the odd-ball because I eat so much. But then I exercise a lot too, so I know my body requires extra fuel! And another thing, my scale went back up a pound or two this past week also! I am so flipping MAD about the whole ordeal! I've been going to the gym every single day! I log everything I eat into sparkpeople and I am diligent about everything! I was so annoyed! I know this is really long ... but everything you said I felt like I could relate to. I am grateful that I had this surgery; it saved my life. But it also made my emotions go wacky! I'm so self conscious about my extra skin. And, like you, I feel powerless about it somehow. I know my insurance won't pay for plastic surgery and I can't afford it. So, on the one hand, I'm really happy that I've lost all this weight. But on the other hand, I feel somehow betrayed that my body sagged on me like this! I wouldn't go back to what I was before just to change the skin issue. But I never imagined it would bother me as much as it does. OK, now I've rambled! But it felt good to read your post and be able to relate. I hope you're feeling better! It made me feel better to read what you wrote! Deanna

Deborah, I think this is a good place to put all of your frustrations. It's okay to feel all the anger you want to - we are human and we cant predict how we will react. I know for myself that I get angry with myself, eating habits, slips in food choices ( I just ate a mini dark chocolate hershey bar), and my saggy skin.....espcially when I always thought FOR SURE losing this weight would make me happier than ever before. If you thought that way too than you are not alone. And please dont think you are crazy - ups, downs, in between, we ALL have them. And we have them ALL. Hang in there Deborah, hugs, Kathryn 342/215/180

Ah.. B%$#%^ day i see.. well that guy who drew my blood yesterday tore up my arm and I cant even move it now.. and i still have a numb leg.. so now i have nothign working right on the left side of my body...I havent lost a pound since last friday.. work is totally boring and I have read every post made in almost every board on this site.. I wanna go home but I cant.. dont wanna waste my time if I dont have too.. so thats my days complaint. Now for you... I am sorry to hear about the lost of your child that is truely a tragedy. I was never able to have children so I adopted my 4 kids.. they all have many problems but we are getting through it. I wish there was something I could say that would make it be ok.. but there is nothing but time that can heal that wound if even that.. I get mad at my scale too.. i yell at it.. call it a liar.. try and sneak back up on it hoping it thinks I'm someone else.. I weight every night before i go to bed and every morning.. I know at night when it is high it wont be that great in the morning.. but I just cant stop myself.. I always use the weight I get in the morning though.. I dont count the weight at night.. We can make ourselves nuts watching that scale. I wish I didnt need this surgery too.. when I went to the christmas party and there were treats lined up everywhere and knew I couldnt eat them.. when I go out with others and have to be so picky about the menu.. but I wouldnt trade it.. the thing I hate most is i let my body get so over weight that now I looked deformed out of clothes.. I sometimes grab the flab and shake it and tell it to go away.. I just hate even looking at myself undressed. there are so many things in life we cant control.. but we made the choice 8 months ago to take back our lives.. to have the surgery and get healthy again.. now we have to take control and make sure we dont let that happen to us again.. yes.. there are things we cant control.. and we messed up in the past.. but here is our chance to learn and make better choices in our futrure.. I think of that when I get angry at the cards that life and myself has dealt me. take solace in that wow I feel better already.. thanks for the B$@@$h session

I want to thank all of you so much for helping me to feel better. And I really do feel better, I felt better just posting I appreciate all the words of encouragement and hope that someday I can be encouraging to you if you are feeling down. I'm going to buy a new scale, but I think I'm going to buy an old fashioned one that lands on the little tic mark, so I will not be obsessing about every ounce. Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for your care and kindness. love, deborah

My dearest deborah! Let me say that many here missed the mark on their remarks, but i've been where you are. Your anger stems not from the weight per se but from your loss, I too suffered the loss of a baby boy, I know your pain. Relax sugar, what you are going through is perfectly natural. There are "stages" of grief and you are at anger right now, it's perfectly normal and you will move past it when your time is right. You feel that your body is a traitor, you "can't do anything right" but you are doing everything right you just don't know it. You should let your daughter know that 20 is VERY young she hasn't lived as a woman yet how is she going to be a wife and eventually a mother if she hasn't experienced life? Don't worry about the scale Deb you worry about keeping up with your fluids and your proteins and the rest will come. If you need to talk with me privately, you email me, night or day i'll talk you through this. On March 2, my son would have been 13 years old, I'm already having panic attacks at the dread of that date coming up. It's been 13 years and I can remember it like it happened to me yesterday. Don't feel guilt, it's a useless emotion and you did and are doing the best you can, that's all G*D and the rest of the world can ask of you. Be Well and please know i'm here if you need me and I care and am concerned about you, ANDI

Deborah, I am so sorry for your loss. I have just been released from a week long stay in the hospital for cellular pneumonia and read your heart wretching post. I had two miscarriages in my twenties and over 15 years later, I am still scared to death to get pregnant because I would not be able to deal with the loss. On the positive side, I am the mother of a very healthy happy 3 1/2 year old and I bless the day his birth mother decided to place him for adoption. Looks like alot of us have hit the point where we can eat more than we probably ever expected. I found when I was in the hospital I ate more than normal, probably out of stress, boredom.. etc. I ate dinner one night and then polished off a piece of no sugar added apple pie. Eye opening, even as disturbing as it was. But then this morning, I could not eat an entire protein bar. All I can say, take it one day at a time. When I've been dealt more than I thought I could handle, all I could do was turn it over to God. I am not a Bible thumping kinda person, haven't seen the inside of a church since my son's baptism, but I believe in a higher power, one that will see me through trying times. Diane

Deborah, We all have days like this but everything will work out God won't put more on you than you can handle. I am glad you posted because I to am one of those people who can eat 1200 to 1400 calories per day with no problem. I thought I was the only one. I hear people talk about oh I can only eat 500 calories per day and I am like I do that in protien shakes. Well I hope something can be said to help you on this difficult day. God bless. Lorraine