How's your Marriage??

Ok, so a lot of things have changed in our lives the last 4 months. You are probably getting more attention from other people now. How is you marriage or your relationship doing? I have read a lot of posts from people who have this surgery & their marriage falls apart. I do not want to be one of those people. Now believe me, my husband & I have had some big issues in the past. I've sat on the kitchen floor in tears many times. Some of those old fights have been replaying in my mind lately. But it's best to just leave those in the past where they belong. I made a promise to my kids that daddy & I would stay together no matter what. (we never fight in front of the kids- family rule) You know what? I am glad that we stuck it out. Relationships go through hills and valleys. It's like that song on the radio "Breathe, Just Breathe" she sings "You're just as far in as you'll ever be out. And the Mistakes that you've made (with this person) you'll just make them again (with the next person)." I just wanted to see how everyone was doing & to be an encouragement to you. I know that every cir****tance is different, but let's be on our toes & not put ourselves in situations that we may regret later on. Hugs, Darlene

Hey Darlene. Everyone always warns of post op breakups. I think that the issues that we have with our significant other are always there. We are just complacent. Then we change, we start caring about ourselves, we are more confident and we want resolution in all the other areas of ourlives now that we are working towards resolution of our weight issues. For me, I have always had issues with men because men weren't interested in me and I would do whatever they wanted to make them interested. Then my husband came along and he took me for who I was. Only problem was that who I was, was insecure, a people pleaser, desperate for male attention and angry. Now that those things about me are chaning, we are renegotiating our relationship. It's only been five years for us, but I have seen a lot of divorce in my family. DH and I both know that is not an option and that the problems in our marriage have never been a lack of love or interest in being with each other. They are day to day things. That's why we are in a process of renegotiating. He married one woman, and is now living with another, albeit, healthier and more confident one. We owe it to each other then to decide what it will be like now that I am a bit different. That's my two cents Rachael

so far, we are better now than before. occasionally, he will say or do something stupid, that just annoys or agrivates me, and rather than get mad at him, I have to pause, and say, hey. I do not think that you realize just how caustic that was to me. it really felt like sand paper on my feelings. and just tell him, do not do things like that, it is not nice and I do not like it. rather than get mad, sad, defensive, or hungry. it is the strangest reaction for me. I am the type that would have gotten sad and depressed or moody or whatever for ages before now I just say whatever, clear the air and walk away, leaving all the bad feelings out of my body as soon as they entered. it FEELS SO GOOD! he is really good about listening when I tell him. and makes immediate adjustments to his behavior and words afterwards, not fawning and mushy or anything, but he seems to take a mental pause and say, oh, okay, mental note, stop being an ass. and then moves on. this grown up stuff is so freaking wierd. ;)

Good posting topic, Megan! I have seen countless postings on the various message boards about relationships changing or in jeopardy post-op. I have to admit this has been a concern for me, seeing as how I'm getting married next month. I think we are a solid couple and will be just fine, but my partner has made a couple of comments about how "I'd better not leave her." I don't think this is related to my drastic weight loss, but I'm not 100% sure. But I'm 100% sure about how I feel about her, about how she feels about me, so I have to trust that we will be just fine, no matter how much weight I lose and how much more confident I become about who I am and the "new" me I'm becoming. When we first met, I had begun losing weight on my own (about 4 years ago). We were together during this weight loss, so she first saw (and fell in love with me) when I was heavier, while I lost over 60 pounds, and during the time I gained it all back (and more). Now that I'm losing (for GOOD!!!), she's still in love with me. I think she's stuck with me through all the different versions of "me," so this should be old hat for her, lol. I do admit that I have changed post-op, and continue to change. It's all about becoming happier about who I am, more confident, and having a more postive outlook on life. I'm no longer hiding behind my weight, and under my huge clothes. I'm no longer staying at home with a good book, a movie, and fattening snacks. Instead, I'm going to the gym and exercising, or reading or watching a movie WITHOUT snacking, and I'm going online or going to the store and trying on clothes that before I would walk by without even glancing or hoping that I'd be able to wear. My favorite designers now are Karen Kane and Baby Phat, instead of INC. and Jones New York Plus sizes. I'm actually trying on sexy lingerie instead of buying large 3x sleepshirts to sleep in!!! I say trying on and looking at for now because with the wedding next month, I haven't been able to indulge in buying new clothes. I've told Lisa to watch out, however, when we get back from our honeymoon, because all bets are off!!! I'm going to turn into a shopaholic, I'm afraid . I'll have to watch my spending to keep from going bankrupt, lol. But I have indulged in a few lingerie purchases for the honeymoon.... shh..... So I think with constant communication, understanding that your spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend is going through major changes right along with you, and remembering those things that made you fall in love in the first place - these things will go a long way towards keeping us together with our significant others! Alisa

Thanks for the credit - but it was my good friend Dar that has the brains behind this topic. *hugs* hehehe My marriage sucked before and it sucks now. Way too much to type out and don't feel like getting into the nitty gritty right now.

Oops...you're right, Megan - I mean Darlene, great topic!!

AMEN sister

This is a topic that could really make you face the things in your marriage that you over look. I think that what they say "If it's a good marriage it will get better, If it's a bad marriage it will only get worse" is pretty much true. I can already see that I have gained much more confidence, and with the confidence I have become stronger, less dependence on my husband.I find I am getting out more-have given more of the household/parenting responsibilities to him.(I am one of those people who has to do everything or its not done right!!HEHE! We have been married for 14 yrs as of 8-1-06 we have had our ups & downs-My husband drag races and alot of times over the years I have felt that me, our marriage, & our son are in second place. He is not a man who shows his emotions & will not discuss things. But lately has been saying he loves me a whole lot more(mmmmm wonder where that's coming from???). Not that I have given him anything to worry about but I think it does him good to worry every now & then. We work really well together-financially-parenting-in everything except the emotional needs. We hardly ever fight maybe 4-5 times in 14 yrs. Don't get me wrong, we do have the ocassional snap-but major disagreements only 4-5 times I think this is pretty good. So I am hoping for a strong more emotionally involved marriage. ~Missy~

Good post Dar So far I dont' think I've changed too much, but this is something I've given lots of thought to before WLS as Ron has only ever known me fat - and then fatter. Mindyou, when we were dating we did have the discussion about him having to accept me as I am even if I don't loose weight and we are still together over 14 years later! He much prefers the confident me, so it's good news so far. Although I havent' changed too much yet, I am slowly becoming more confident and he likes me this way. I'm wondering how he'll react when I start getting positive reactions from other men - I've never had those before....maybe a bit of the green eyed monster will be good?????? I wonder how I'll react????????????