Thanks for your support guys.

So sorry to hear about your grandfather.....Happy you are back though. Just read your 3 year blog. I've spent a good deal of time reflecting about my life in year prior to surg. We are SO stronger for from where we have come! WE ROCK!!! Andrea

Hi Aliya, I would be interested in your challenge. I have put back about 15 pounds and hate to see my new wardrobe starting to not look so good or the pants be too tight! I thought about going back to Weigh****chers again for the support but a part of me just hates the idea of starting all that again. Thanks for the idea, Jane

Around 3 years ago today, I told everyone that I was taking a month's leave of absence and visiting North Carolina to scout the scene to see if I wanted to move there.(Still in dirty Jerz) On May 1, 2005 - a Sunday I sat crying at my desk, at 11pm scared as all **** Telephone in hand- 6 digits of my surgeon's office emergency evening number dialed. I heard myself saying "I'm not going to be able to do this-I need to cancel". (This is what i was going to say) A co-worker walked by, asked if I was ready for my trip(my lie to the job) and asked why was I crying. I told her everything. She gave me a hug, told me how proud she was of me and offered to take some before pictures. Oh how I wish I had a scanner. I drove myself home, and proceeded to log onto to OH, and read wonderful uplifting profiles. Although inspired I was still scared to DEATH....Fast forward to 6am...dress myself with that shaky, anxious feeling that any post op can relate to. Get to the OR, told the barriatric cordinator how scared I was...she asked if "I had been on that damn website" referring to OH. She's another story-we haven't gotten along since day 2 post op, and I've been a member of this WONDERFUL FAMILY for 3 years. It has not been easy, and I am no where where I want to be. By no means a failure, but not as successful as I should have been either. I've been 15 pounds from goal (still overweight by standards) to back to obese Not fun at all. There have been ups and there have been downs. I have 44 photo albums from the past 3 years. I vacation quarterly. When my son is late for the bus, I can outrun him to catch it. My child knows the value of healthy choices-almost in a do as I say and not as I do kinda way. Only after the confidence that emerged from WLS was I able to leave a 7 year abusive relationship and find true happiness-it's eluding me now, but I've felt it, and know that it is still attainable. On the downside. I went from drinking champagne at New Years to visiting the abuse forum, and wondering if I'm an alcoholic. They say if you have to ask....As a newbie-and being the addict that I am, I found that it was easier to drink than to eat. I have also seen this with my mother and best friend, also fellow WLS patients. We used to go to buffets now we go to the bar. I had my first margarita 6 wks post op, I was in Disney World and wanted some chicken but we all know how that goes at 6 weeks, so I brought a drink, and sipped and sipped and never stopped sipping.I really think that this problem would have surfaced at some time in my life due to genetics, but WLS surgery just exacerbated it. Thank heavens for the honeymoon period....at about 1 year out my weight stabilized. I stopped loosing. All was good. During the past year I have gained. My body has never been through so many changes as it saw in 07. I can literally gain and lose 7-8 pounds overnight. Bottom line-I can still lose weight when I put my mind to it, When following the pouch rules I still have restriction, but I was told back in 05 you can trick it. As I reflect I know that when I drink water like I'm supposed to, exercise like I'm supposed to and fill myself with lean proteins, there is little room for anything else. Gimme a protein train, I'm good for 10 pounds...6 with a 5DPT....but............give me an inch and I'll take a mile. Soon as time is up I'm gone. Whats that about. I've been in therapy since it was recommended in my approval psych eval. 3 yrs- my mind still aint right. This was supposed to be really short as I am in the middle of a research paper...but I couldn't not come here on the day that changed my life. Oh how I wish I could have reported that I made goal 2 yrs ago, and was happily maintaining, but I can't so I wont. But believe me when I tell you this, it may not be today, and it may not be next month. But ONE day that will be my testimony. I claim it. I'd like to give a shout out to: May of 05-remember the old days, you got me through. BAF is always good for an indirect reality check, and the knowledge and support that the Grads board provides is priceless. Thank you all. Still no regrets...maybe adjustements for a few tweaks, but no regrets. I'm the woman I that I am today, because of all that I've been through.

I am slowly realizing that I am suffering from a pretty bad food addiction, I have had much stress and much food to make it go away (not that it worked). I am willing to eat my 2 year old and my dog, and maybe the neighbor's dog too. It is taking everything I have to not just say "screw it" and go eat a box of mac n cheese, ya know? I worry that I am not going to be able to do this, I am just toooo damn weak now. UGH! Brandi