This is long, but I need some encouragement....

I cant believe Im up this late, its 3am. I cannot sleep and was absolutely miserable so here I am. I have been doing so good this week and actually got within 3.5 pounds of goal and then tonight. I blew it so bad and feel terrible. I thought man you cant even make it one whole week without screwing up. I have been laying in bed for the last hour thinking of how I can get back on track today. I think I have a pretty good plan. My only goal is by Tuesday that Im at least still 3.5 pounds from goal. Im not weighing anymore till Tuesday thats for sure. I feel like Im never going to get there. Im so close I can taste it, but sometimes I feel like its one step forward, two steps back. I can tell my weight still plagues my sub concious(sp?) because I have been having dreams lately and they all have something to do with being too big. I dreamed one night I was pregnant and regained the whole 110 pounds back, then one night I dreamed I was on ship that had to be evacuated and I was too big to fit through the exit door, then one night I dreamed I was getting arrested and the handcuffs were too small to fit around my wrists. What gives? Im telling you one thing for me its a daily struggle, sometimes hourly struggle to keep myself in gear and when I mess up its never just a little bit. We took our son to his favorite place in the whole world, Mcdonalds and I ate my usual one cheeseburger but then my hubby got an ice cream cone and I ended up eating most of it. Then when we got home I was in the kitchen yet again. Its like something inside of me driving me and I dont realize the damage until afterwards. I feel like a complete idiot. I know better. Thank god there is still a few days left to redeem myself. Today after hubby gets home from work we are suppose to go eat Chinese food and Im scared out of my mind of eating like a crazy person. Ive planned on crab legs(I love these and you have to eat a whole lot to amount to much, which I get full on this since its primarily protein). I also may have some steamed broccoli or some oriental green beans. Guys please pray that I can end the week on a good note! I do so good until the evening, I dont know what happends to me after 500 or so, Its like I turn into some kind of eating monster. Im going to try really hard. Sorry this was so long but I do feel better now that Ive vented. Maybe I can go back to bed now. Candy

Hi, Candy! Any chance you could get to see a counselor or therapist especially one who works with people that have eating disorders? We all have an eating disorder and this surgery may fix the stomach but it sure doesn't fix our brains. I'm a big believer in therapy. Helped me deal with many issues and emotions years back including some eating issues. I find comfort knowing my therapist is one phone call away. I think that many of us have night time issues with food more than day time issues. For me, my day is very structured. I go to work with breakfast and lunch and snacks planned and in my bag. It is easy to "stick to the program" when things are right there at hand. More of my eating issues are from the time I get home to the time I go to bed. I have several hours that I'm alone, bored, lonely, tired, etc. All emotions that can lead to overeating or making eating choices that aren't in my best interest. What I've tried to do is structure more of my evening time. Plan what I'll do and plan what I'll eat. An hour on the internet, an hour of chores, dinner, then watching TV, etc. It helps a bit. Your dinner tonight sounds well planned. You'll do fine. The crab legs and the veggies are the best heathiest choices you can make given the type of restaurant. Sit there and really enjoy every bite without any guilt. Your plan not to weigh yourself for several days - excellent idea! No need to beat yourself up more or get yourself depressed. I know what it is like to be so close to goal yet so far. It is frustrating. I'm the same weight now that I was January 1. Since then I've been down as much as 4 lbs from here. My weight bounces up and down each and every day. My lowest... I was 7 lbs from goal. Now its 11. Frustrating. Honestly, I don't think there is much I could do differently thought I do need to do an accurate calories check to see where I'm at. I think my body likes it here. Perhaps I'll need to accept that this is where it wants to be. Plastics would get me to my goal weight. I hope you were able to sleep and hope you have a brighter day today. What's done is done. Look ahead not back. Best wishes, Kathy

Candy, I'm so sorry that you're experiencing such challenging dreams and feelings, but I understand how you feel. I agree with Kathy that we ALL have an eating disorder to get to the point of this surgery. Counseling can help, I've had some, and also focus on not beating yourself up. I know when I used to diet before WLS, if I ate one cookie I was so hard on myself I would then go ahead and eat the whole package. We are NOT perfect and we never will be. And that's okay, we're human. Sounds like you've had great success so far to get so close to your goal. I would focus on planning and your success. I also struggle at night. Sometimes I just go to bed early if I can't stop eating. Hang in there and vent here anytime you need to. We ALL can relate. I am going to keep you in my prayers. Big Hugs, Wanda

Candy, Hope that today was a better day. First of all, I would like to say look at how close that your goal is to you. 3.5 pounds is nothing...yet everything (I know) I think its great that you have acknowledged your problem areas, and I truly believe, matter of fact I know that you can do this. Candy think of life more than a yr ago....1 cheeseburger and most of an ice cream cone was an appetizer...Please try hard not to beat yourself up to much...All we have is one day at a time. You can and will do this. Keep us posted. I'm praying, because I really can relate. Just wish I was so close to an attainable goal! Aliya

(((((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))))))))) You are not alone! The good news is, this is NOT a diet, so you have not messed the whole thing up like the old days when you ate badly one day, figured you'd blown it all, and ate yourself into oblivion. It doesn't have to be that way now. You still have your tool. It hasn't gone anywhere. Many of you know I've returned to Overeaters Anonymous. It was the only thing that I had any success with prior to WLS (I lost 137 pounds when I was 21 with OA). This proves to me that my weight problem is mostly about what's going on with my head and my emotions and behaviors. The physical part is just one aspect. The first time, I worked the 12 steps, I was dealing with the emotional issues, which helped me immensely, but once I started binging again, there was nothing to stop me. This time around, I feel doubly blessed, because while I work the emotional issues again, I have a physical barrier against food that will straighten me up if I binge. I'd been eating sugar again and LOTS of carbs a few weeks ago and over the past couple of months. Now that I've stopped eating sugar again, I find that I dump on anything that's remotely high in sugars on the nutrition label. That's part of the tool I thought I'd lost forever because I was able to eat nearly anything again. But, the tool is still there, and now I'm adding to my toolbox with OA. I thank God every day for the support I find both here and there. Without you all, I'd be one sad, sorry mess of a person right now. Thanks so much for being here! ~Julie~ P.S. I've dropped 7 pounds in the past 5 days. Yay!!!!!!!!

I just want to thank everyone for offering support to me. Yesterday wasnt perfect but a step in the right direction. Today is going even better, so far... I am such a planner and an organizer but I cant think about the future right now, only whats at hand. I am strongly considering some type of therapy or something of the sort. I need someone or something I can turn to other than food. Before surgery I would bindge eat out of control and sometimes I find myself doing the same thing with the exception of pouch size. I realize now that I still have a problem with this. Its evil and just consumes me, so better to do something now than wait until things get worse. I have already been on anti depression meds as a result of turning to food as a source of comfort. In two months I had gained 25 pounds from bindge eating because as long as I was eating I wasnt depressed and it was a never ending cycle. I dont want to have to go back on the meds. I am going to beat this and make my goal. Candy

You go, girl! Counseling can be a great thing. Knowing that you aren't the only one with these issues can be comforting and getting help figuring better strategies and coping mechanisms really helps. I dealt with many of my eating issues years ago and it really helped me. That's not saying that I don't sometimes fall back into old familiar behaviors but it much easier now to identify what I am doing and put it behind me and go back to what I've learned. You can control this and you can make your goal! No doubts! Best wishes, Kathy

Hi Candy.... It is very difficult not to be so hard on oneself... so I am not going to tell you not be. WE are our own worst critics. You are 3.5 lbs from goal in less than one year.... HOW AMAZING IS THAT?! Many people NEVER even come close. You should be proud of yourself. Part of the reason we have this surg is to eat like a normal person. Guess what? Normal people eat cheeseburgers and ice cream. As long as you aren't eating this everyday and you are making healthy choices for your other meals and exercising you will do fine. Keep your chin up. I know it feels like having gone throught this intestinal altering procedure we should NEVER eat that stuff... but guess what it is ok in moderation. You have done a great job and should be very proud of your accomplishments. Eventually we will realize that this is not "just another diet" that we are waiting to fail. I think that is what the dreams are about. It doesn't feel real or permanent to us. While of course we all can eat around the surg if we try, if we stick with the program most of the time we will be ok. I hope you feel better soon. I agree with Kathy that therapy is very beneficial. Give it a try. Hugs, Stef