Follow-up to Question of the Day

While it is not easy to admit the things that go us to the level of being morbidly obese or super morbidly obese... I think the more people respond (if they dare) to my post from yesterday, the more that we'll find that all have an incredible bond of having experienced many of the same behaviors when it comes to food. Food was our way of dealing with life...good and bad. Food was our companion, our best friend, our go-to, our shelter, our place to hide. Food was our way of stuffing our emotions down so that we didn't have to deal with them... so that we didn't have to feel at all. Food filled in for what was missing in our lives. Food was love for some that didn't feel it coming from elsewhere (this is very true for me). People who don't use food in this way, just don't understand. They think that one's weight is simply a matter of self-control when for many of us our weight is just a tell-tale sign of what has been going on inside us. We deal with emotions bu using and then as we gain we stir up a whole other set emotions. This time we feel bad about how we look, how we physically feel and the health issues that surface and that just makes us eat more. It is the proverbial snowball building as it rolls down the snow covered hill. This surgery altered our bodies so that we couldn't overeat without paying a dear price of feeling horrid or being physically ill. That is awesome. The surgery forced us to have to deal with our emotions differently. The emotions from being so overweight have probably faded for most or are fading so that is off our shoulders. The $1,000,000 question is how do you deal with your emotions now? How do you plan to deal with your emotions for the long haul? What ways do you have to turn those emotions into something positive rather than negative? How are you going to prevent old behaviors from creeping back in? How are you going to develop a healthy relationship with food? Thoughts? Comments? Kathy

For me, I spent a few years in therapy back in the early to mid 1990s and part of going through that was just dealing with my emotions, my all-or-nothing thinking, perfectionism, etc. I think I walked away with a much, much improved relationship with food. I think I got away from much of the sneak-and-eat, hiding food, etc behaviors of my younger days. Hey, if I did that how did I end up so heavy? Well, my theory is that decades of bad eating behaviors left me with a very large stomach capacity and incredible hunger. I was a true member of the clean plate crew and one who didn't chew her food. I merely caught a glimmer of taste as it slid down my throat way too fast to really savor it and see what it tasted like so I just had to keep trying more and more to see if I liked it. This surgery gave me the small stomach that I really needed. It also taught me to recognize early the "done" feeling. I don't pu**** anymore. Pre-surgery, I would eat to the point of pain - talk about your gluttony pure and simple. Since I now eat based on the clock, food has become more of a fuel than anything else. Oh, it's 9 am...time to eat breakfast. Okay, here are two hard-boiled eggs. Great. I'm done. I move on. On the other hand, Rich and I both adore good tasting food and have found that since surgery...it is like we don't want to waste the small pouch size on crap. Plain and simple. Since we don't eat anything quantity-wise compared to what we used to eat...we usually want each bite to count and to be flavorful. Rich cooks alot - God bless him - so we eat cool stuff. Yesterday's Pork Dijon - excellent! So, while I am eating for fuel... I'm eating better quality food - definitely high protein. While we ain't perfect, we do try to keep the focus on the protein. I think that exercise really helps me energy and mood-wise. I feel so much better this past month focusing on getting to the gym and working out at least 5 times a week. It is a good way to focus myself on positive things. Rich and I got gift cards for our wedding anniversary and will be buying bicycles soon and plan on taking some great adventures in the warmer weather. I feel like my relationship with food is so much better. I don't run to it anymore. I know my eating schedule and I stick to it very closely. My day is planned and that works for me - structure really helps me keep on track. Kathy

I am sure that alot of my issues with food were started at a very young age. I actually was never overweight as a small child or teenager but as an adult I started putting on the weight, especially, like most people, after I had my first child. I had a very abusive father who controlled everything. Especially food. We were never allowed to get into food whenever we were hungry like most kids are allowed to today. Our dinner time was very stressful, each of us wondering who was going to be targeted that night by my fathers hateful demeanor. Sweets were counted out whenever he felt like giving it to us and we were threatened that he had counted everything in the house as to keep us all scared to touch anything. Whatever my parents cooked was it whether you liked it or not. I, myself, to this day cannot stand the smell of vegetable soup because I knew that the nights my mother cooked soup, I would be going to bed hungry. I also can not stand to even look at hominy because after throwing it up, I was made to eat it again. Needless to say, the first thing my sisters wanted to do when we left home was buy a jar of peanut butter and eat a whole tablespoon if we wanted to. Thus, my lifelong problem started. Now it is very hard for me not to pick up food when I am feeling stressed and tired, etc., because I still feel like it is the one thing that my father cannot control anymore. Little do I realize sometime, that the food is controlling me instead of me controlling it. For instance, making brownies last night was a mistake. I have already had two this morning without even thinking about it. The only thing I can honestly do is just keep things like that out of my sight and keep myself very busy during the day. Thanks for reading!

I think that I need an eating schedule, every 3 hrs sounds good. I have always eaten, just for whatever reason. I had issues as a kid, and I have issues as an adult. I eat when I'm happy, sad, depressed, whatever. I just love food.And sweets were my downfall. But doinf better now, thank heavens.

Kathy, You are absolutely right, how to deal with our emotions is the $1,000,000 question. We are all adults, and as such, it's hard to undo those neural pathways that got set up when we were younger. There are physical mechanisms that take place in the brain. This is one reason, they say, that people who are obese from a very early age have little chance of rebuilding their lives as normal weight adults. Oh very cheery!! These are things that I find that have been helping me: - I am learning to "pay myself first", emotionally, that is. Moment by moment I try to be aware of what *I* need. (My mother--as mothers do--was always taking care of others first and I'm a good learner. -- But, I can't love others if I am broken.) It's very hard to identify just what I may need, but I find if I step out of the moment I can come close. Stepping out of the moment frequently means going for a walk (especially if I'm having an anxiety attack) or a drive. - I keep a basket of art supplies handy -- simple stuff like crayons, glue stick, colored paper, sticker books, and will color in a coloring book if I'm bored and the kitchen is calling my name. - I keep a stack of clothing catalogs, which I'll browse through. I have to be careful about this one, because shopping tends to be an addiction transferance, and I don't want to get into debt trouble. (I lock up my credit card ) - I knit socks, very soothing. - I work crossword puzzles. - I meditate. This one is hard, because it forces me to go inside myself. There's a lot of Buddhist philosophy that talks about this. - A big one for me (and related to Buddhist stuff) is to accept the negative emotion with the statement of 'this too shall pass' (and cleansing breaths). - I'll play a computer game. I have to be careful about this, because it can have the same numbing/hypnotizing effect that food used to have. It'll take the edge off if I don't go overboard, though. I have a couple of books that give good suggestions. I'll go find them and post them later. Eileen

I think and think and think about these questions all the time. I really don't think I had a tough childhood. My parents were and still are supportive and loving. They are even still married in this crazy day and age after battling alcoholism together and winning. I want to be like my Mom when I grow up. Sure maybe their drinking was a part of it but they quit when I was 8. And there was never any abuse of neglect. They were just plain ol partiers and I got to go to tons of great places and have lots of fun as a kid!! So then what is it?? I was marginally overweight as a child. I just come from a pear shaped family. Of course in high school I thought I was huge at 150lbs!! I think it was my teenage years that got me rolling down the yo yo path. It was then that I trashed my metabolism with fad diets, a touch of bulimia and lots of sex, drugs and rock and roll. I always wanted everyone to like me and was always the friend who you could confide in and share secrets with. But I didn't feel there was anyone I could tell my things too...so I guess I ate. And ate and ate. When I met my DH I was "skinny" a size 9 and busy busy at the gym. He didn't know that I had been on a weight roller coaster for the past 10+ years (I met him at 26) so as I ramble on (and let me tell you all it feels good to just ramble on about this) I guess my new thing now is to just take care of myself. I am out for myself these days. Sure I love my DH and would die for my daughter but for the first time in 37 years I have put myself first. Sorry if you wanted to go to the mall but first I need to go to the gym. Sorry you wanted deep fried shrimp for dinner I made grilled talapia. Sorry you wanted me to go shopping at Walmart for your stuff I had an appointment with my nutritionist. Sorry you feel that way but I want it this way. When I went to my psych eval he said noone ever comes back to see him after the surgery and he just can't quite figure out how everyones depression improves so greatly! I need to go see him because I can tell him that when you start feeling in control of your life and you can conquer your endless battle with food you can only feel better and better and better!!!!! Thanks for giving me an opportunity to ramble on...... Jen

Jen, Putting yourself first in reality it is the most "selfless" thing you can do. Because if you do not take care of yourself, then you are unable to care for anyone else. You got it right! Kathy

Vicki, let's talk about your not eating enough. Do you know why? Are you not hungry? Do you forget? Are you afraid of regaining? Kathy

I'm glad you are going to see your nutritionist. Be sure to share all your food issues with her as well as show her examples of what you eat. 90 grams of protein a day is very good. I think one of the big problems with a food addiction is that you NEED food to survive. An alcoholic can give up alcohol as hard as that can be but it doesn't provide nutritional value. It is an "extra". But food. That's another story. We need food. And I think that many of us continue to struggle with how much food our body needs, how much is too much and how much is too little and how to build a relationship with food and eating behaviors that is healthy. I'm like you...I do better with structure and plans. I always have. We try to keep handy foods that are healthy around. We usually have deli meat. That is a quick, no brainer protein fix. Of course, our favorite food group - cheese. Hard boiled eggs, tuna salad...always good fall back foods. Kathy

Kathy - My eating was just how I was raised. We ate mostly carbs and we ate a LOT of them. Speghetti, mac & cheese, all those boxed food items!!! When I got married, my husband was a meat and potatoes kind of man... and I didn't know how to cook any of it. lol (honestly if it didn't come in a box or can I was clueless) The only thing that kept me from being an obese child was my activity level. I was always on the go, and would walk a couple of miles just to go visit my friend. After I got married, I switched from boxed foods to fast foods. We'd eat out four times a week or more. It was just easier then learning to cook. Then came children and my life settled down into a very low activity life. I was just a mom, took care of my kids, and that was about it. I do tend to eat when I'm REALLY stressed out, but that was usually a candy bar and diet pepsi. More often then not, If I was eating for no reason it was because I was just bored. Honestly, I don't know how I deal with emotional stuff now. When things come up I really feel like a basket case!!!! I have no desire to eat, so I'm not tempted to turn to food, but I don't feel I'm dealing with things either. Don't know - I would go see a counselor but insurance doesn't pay for that and around here they want about $50 per week. I CAN'T be paying that kind of money!!! Laurie