WLS and Relationships
Been thinking about Vicki and her situation and reflecting on the changes that happen to relationships that come when someone has WLS.
When a person has WLS, I'm sure that they say to friends, family, spouses, coworkers, etc "I'll be the same person I always was." In many respects that is very true but in so many ways, it isn't. Our core values and being are the same but having this surgery can do wonders for one's self-image, self-confidence, self-esteem, and ego. A person that is very introverted can often step outside their comfort zone and be more extroverted. One doesn't have to hide behind the fat anymore. Also, above an improved sense of self comes improved health and the ability to do so much more physically that one can "change" by being more willing to go places and do things - physical things because one now "can" do those things!
All these changes effect not only the person who has the WLS but everyone around them. Change is hard for all involved. All relationships have a homeostasis or balance. It is the balance where the relationship works. It can be healthy or dysfunctional but it still has a balance where everyone involved knows their place, knows how things go, knows what to expect and it is "familiar" to us. So, enters a change. One person in the mix changes and all become unsettled to various degrees and everyone is reaching out to regain the "familiar" or better yet reaching out to find the new homeostatis or balance and this takes time.
First of all, there is the most obvious...the spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend or significant other. When a person has WLS often the SO (whether spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, other) will feel like they are on completely unstable ground as the familiar balance is no longer there. The WLS patient is eating differently, more active, looking more attractive to the opposite sex, and feeling better about themselves. No matter how happy the SO is that the WLS patient had the surgery there are some big, big adjustments that have to happen to find the new balance. The SO has to keep up and perhaps become more active or could end up being very unhappy as they are left behind as the WLS patient spreads his/her wings and sees more of the world and does more. If any insecurities exist within the SO, they will come out. The SO will wonder if the WLS patient needs/wants them anymore or if they deserve better. All one can do is try to reinforce your love for them and hope that they can adjust and trust that you still love them even though you have evolved.
Secondly, there is the family. We all know that family puts the fun in dysFUNction. 
Everyone has roles in the family. Sometimes the whole family is overweight and as one slims down, there is jealously, pettiness, put downs of you and the *surgery* itself and even sabotage. In other families, perhaps the WLS patient had the role of the "fat one" in the family. Well, as the "fat one" slims down...roles are changing and the one that was the "thinner one" in the family might get unnerved as roles within the family change. Other familes are perhaps weightly mixed and can be totally loving and supportive. Hey, it happens!
Of course, within a family - you as the WLS patient could try to reform the other members of the family's eating habits and often this is meant with some resistance. Just because you can only eat 2 oz doesn't mean that 2 oz is enough for your spouse or children.
Then, there can be the food police. Others who question, everything you put in your mouth "should you be eating that" or "can you eat that" etc.
Next on my hit parade are friends. Folks that are near and dear to us but when we change they scatter. I've heard about this from a number of people and it is so sad. Sad that friendships are lost over a clothing size. It does happen.
A friend loses her "eating buddy". Hey, all of us have had eating buddies, right? Someone we went and pigged out with. Well, when we no longer pig out...what happens to that relationship? It dissolves because often the enjoyment of food was what was the shared interest.
Then there are the friendships where you are the "fat friend". Hate to say it but it happens. You are safe when you are the FF. When you go out, the other person gets the attention. Well, when things change and you start getting attention - things get uncomfortable and that friend is gone. Very sad but true.
Then we have the tried and true friends that love you for who you truly are. They will stand by you. But, they don't want to be overwhelmed with WLS chat either so we have to find the right balance of sharing our journey with them.
I was going to say coworkers next but many of the "friends" things apply to coworkers too. When you are more attractive and get more attention at work you are more likely to be a threat for a new job or promotion. That can unnerve people.
So, when it comes to WLS...so many lives are indeed changed. Did ya know that?
Kathy
Everyone has roles in the family. Sometimes the whole family is overweight and as one slims down, there is jealously, pettiness, put downs of you and the *surgery* itself and even sabotage. In other families, perhaps the WLS patient had the role of the "fat one" in the family. Well, as the "fat one" slims down...roles are changing and the one that was the "thinner one" in the family might get unnerved as roles within the family change. Other familes are perhaps weightly mixed and can be totally loving and supportive. Hey, it happens!
Of course, within a family - you as the WLS patient could try to reform the other members of the family's eating habits and often this is meant with some resistance. Just because you can only eat 2 oz doesn't mean that 2 oz is enough for your spouse or children.
Then, there can be the food police. Others who question, everything you put in your mouth "should you be eating that" or "can you eat that" etc.
Next on my hit parade are friends. Folks that are near and dear to us but when we change they scatter. I've heard about this from a number of people and it is so sad. Sad that friendships are lost over a clothing size. It does happen.
A friend loses her "eating buddy". Hey, all of us have had eating buddies, right? Someone we went and pigged out with. Well, when we no longer pig out...what happens to that relationship? It dissolves because often the enjoyment of food was what was the shared interest.
Then there are the friendships where you are the "fat friend". Hate to say it but it happens. You are safe when you are the FF. When you go out, the other person gets the attention. Well, when things change and you start getting attention - things get uncomfortable and that friend is gone. Very sad but true.
Then we have the tried and true friends that love you for who you truly are. They will stand by you. But, they don't want to be overwhelmed with WLS chat either so we have to find the right balance of sharing our journey with them.
I was going to say coworkers next but many of the "friends" things apply to coworkers too. When you are more attractive and get more attention at work you are more likely to be a threat for a new job or promotion. That can unnerve people.
So, when it comes to WLS...so many lives are indeed changed. Did ya know that?
Kathy 
Very well put!!
My DH - I see him watching other men watch me!!! So, I take his arm with a smile and batting of the eye and tell him, "but I'm YOURS". Cures his uprising feeling immediately.
Friends - Honestly, I've lost a lot of them over the last eight months. Many who blantely tell me I should have never had the surgery. Other's who've just disapeared into no where. But I've GAINED many more friends then I've lost!!!! My WLS friends are becoming better friends then the ones I've lost.
Family - well, not much ya can do there. But I see the sabatoge. Someone in my extended family brought me FOUR bag of sf candy the other day!!! HOLY COW!!!! I don't WANT four bags in the house. So, they're getting given away.
Kids - oh well, they are just so brutely honest!! From my daughter: "Mom, why is your tummy so wrinkled now?" From my other daughter as she was looking at my preop picture today, "Wow Mom, I don't remember you being THAT fat!!" Gotta Love Them!!!!
Yup, many lives are changed!!!
A good reminder Kathy, that we're not the only one going through changes!!!
Laurie
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