Another Winner from Mom in FLA
This joke hit close to home.... My hubby did get us a family Gym membership when he hit 50. Needless to say... we let the membership laps the next year....
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Dear Diary...
For my 42nd. birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school girl's bowling team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:
- Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
-Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
-Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.
Whatever...
-Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies room. He sent perky Peaches to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
-Friday:
I hate that ******* Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world! Stupid, skinny, anemic little sissy aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him to a pulp with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. Hello! I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the @&%$%$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich and I won't feel the need to drop it. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or maybe a choir director?
-Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up to the gym today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my bowl of ice cream. However, since I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote, I ended up catching eleven straight hours of the @$%&%$ Weather Channel.
-Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this hell week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the JERK) will choose a gift for me that is a little more fun: like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
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Enjoy....
Kate Z 
as I 
Kate,
That is hilarious! When I decided to sign up with a personal trainer this is what I feared, but, thankfully, it was not my experience. He is great. I only see him once every 6 weeks to change up my routine. He specifically gave me a routine that would not hurt me. I have been able to add additional weights and have made great progress since the last time I saw him...I was so worried!
Lori
384/288.5/170
Kathy,
You asked last week where my Mom was in FLA and is she single....
She's living near Port Charlotte on the Lee Coast. She's working on husband 3 (or is it 4?). She's a 5 star chef.... (part of my initial problem)... Just retired a few years ago and she's the queen of her village. I refer to it as (Pablum City), she doesn't like the reference....
Kate Z
Got ya!
Husband number 3 or 4.
I told my dad I asked. LOL! He has been a widower for a year now. Have no idea if he'd like to "date" or not. Been 53+ years since he did. LOL!
He is in Temple Terrace but is now moving to Sun City. I guess my dad's question for any prospective date would be does she have her own clubs.
Rich's parents were both chefs in their day. Both right from Germany too though one was trained classically French and one went more the Italian route though his mom ended up doing pastries. They aren't in shape to cook anymore. Poor health - for both of them.
Kathy
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