He Dared me???????

Life is a b_____ Has been for some time and continues to be. Good to read all your post and see that I am not the only one going through a difficult time. Haven't been on any of the boards in probably over a month. Didn't lose a pound in September - in fact gained 5 lbs (with all the complications I had eating I just went into starvation mode and quit losing) - then this month I have lost 12 lbs. including the 5 I gained. Eat sometimes - can't others - doing much more supplements - liquid vitamins - amino acids at the advise of my endocrinologist who is managing my care at Mayo. He also astutely informed me that this is the worse period in our weight loss journey as far as being "blue" "depressed" or whatever term you want to put on it. Even if we don't already have a propensity for depression or mental illness. Well believe me he knows what he is talking about. So depressed I do not care whether I lose any more or not - it (weight loss) has kind of become unimportant. I would just like to be kind of sane again. I think I just want to know that I am going to see a light at the end of the barrel or have enough strength to pull myself out of it again. Seasonal Affective disorder along with all the other disorders I have and right now life is just a b______. I am doing this because I have been told to - "because you all care" - I don't doubt that - but I doubt that you want to hear that I continue to have a hard time. I fought so hard not to have a negative attitude both pre-op and post-op but it finally just got the best of me and I am here to admit it. Please I trust you not to flame me.

((((((((SYB!!!))))))))) I'm so glad to hear from you! I've wondered how things were going. I'm sorry you're continuing to have so many problems. I know what you mean about not caring. There are days I do and days I don't. The days I don't are worst because then I just get so angry with myelf, like "How dare you be so apathetic after everything you've been through to get this surgery!" I feel like an ungrateful brat. Of course you have the strength to pull yourself out - you're one of the strongest people I know. Look at everything you've been through! Even though you're having a rough time now, you've proven that nothing's beat you yet. Please stay in touch - I've missed you! Becky

Thanks Becky; I am ungrateful - I am depressed beyond imagination and I just can't seem to get back on the wagon - not that I have fallen off the "taking care of myself wagon" it is just I am just tired of all the things we are suppose to do and then I do it and it doesn't work. I'm still not able to eat like I should be - but I won't complain about that because I am sure that the full-fledged appetite is coming back sooner than I would ever want it to. I think my biggest problem is not having the energy to exercise and of course that is the depression; however, I need to exercise to improve the depression - is this a vicious cycle or not? And if I don't exercise I won't lose weight which depresses me that much more which causes me to have even less energy to attempt to exercise.

Syb, So great to hear from you! I'm sorry that you have continued to struggle and sorry to hear that you are going through a down period. I've found myself going through a bit of a plunge with the shorter days, hormonal changes and a pesky gallbladder that was giving me chronic discomfort for the past month+. My gallbladder is gone as of this morning and home that factors out of my blue disposition quickly. We do care. We do want to hear from you. If all you can say at this time is negative - that is fine. Realize that you won't get flaming back from us - you'll get compassion and encouragement instead. Maybe that might bring a smile to your face for a brief moment or many it won't but we'll try. Brighter healthier days are ahead...for you, for all of us. Take good care! Hugs, Kathy

Thank you Kathy. One thing I do have going for me is I am a fighter = otherwise I would not have made it this far in life. I will get over this hump - I am just very, very tired. Sybil

Hey! Good to hear from you again. You seem determined to get through whatever lies ahead of you. You are in my thoughts.

Ana Thank you for responding. Sometimes it just helps to put our thoughts on paper in a different context other than our personal journal. I don't know anything other than I will keep fighting the demons. Sybil

You've said exactly what I've felt. This past month has been so hard on me too. I'm not posting as much, just cuz it's hard to encourage others when you so down!!! I keep thinking about asking the doc for something for the depression, but I'm just not a pill taker, so I doubt I'd actually take it everyday anyway. This is the "HARD ROAD" it certainly wasn't the easy way out. Some days life sucks so bad. Some days I just cry cuz the family all wants pizza and I'd just like to be able to eat ONE slice (can't even do 1/2 piece). Some days I just want to be "normal" again. You can do it, and so can I!!!!!!!!!! If it were beyond any hope, we wouldn't be on this web site at all (even lurking). I know that this too will pass, so in the mean time, just hang on tight!!!! Laurie

Laurie; You are correct we can do this - with the help of God and a lot of prayer and the doctors and obesity help and our fellow Mayer's' and our family and friends. Fortunately for me I have it easy as far as food is concerned - we don't have it in the house - husband and 17 year old son on program with me. Husband decided I wasn't going to be able to say that I was smaller than him now so since I had surgery he has lost 50 lbs through eating correctly and intense exercise program. I keep saying if I weren't so depressed I could exercise. I know what I have to do. Get off my but_ and get to exercising no matter how bad I feel. I am doing everything else right. It is just that I am like you so down and the rest has gone down the tube - who wants to hear some type of encouragement from some one who is wallowing in discouragement and depression - and who says I even feel like giving any. I honestly haven't been on the boards even to lurk in months - what a trip. You take care of yourself and look on the recipes and get one of those recipes for pizzas that we can have nd be legitimate I know it is not like the real thing, but at least when we eat right we don't have to feel guilty about that. Sorry for the long winded and rambling response - that is me also - mood swings like you wouldn't believe. Hate it. Take care and e-mail me if I can encourage you or maybe we can encourage each other.

Syd, From my head to your post. Everything you posted I have felt and am feeling. I still can't eat. Not getting fluid in like everyone else and I am so damn tired that all I want to do is sleep. I know I am fighting the depression battle, but I am determined to win. Posters on the board talk about 1100 calories a day. I just shake my head. I battle to get 400. And when I say battle that is exactly what it is. A battle of mind over body. My weight loss has not stopped but has actually sped up the last couple of months. I guess my body figures I am not going to feed it any more it might as well do something. I don't even worry about the weightloss, I worry about eating and drinking enough to live though the day. Know that we are here for you and that if you need to vent, talk or just know that you are not alone please feel free to email me. I post regularly, but alot of times I have to skip a day or two, because I just can't feel happy for someone that is having no problems and can eat like a horse. What you are feeling is normal. (I think) Keep your chin up and your thoughts good. Hugs, Kat