WLS Effect on Spouse

I just read Vicky's post about her trip to Disney. I'm glad she had a good time. One comment she made, however, got me thinking. She said her husband was being hard on himself after seeing the pictures. How about it Mayers.... There are couples that are going thru this experience together... like Kathy & Rich. But a lot of us are on our own. Or at least I'm trying to do this with minimum disruption to my Family's life. My hubby isn't overweight and is being very supportive. We're long-termers 25+ years, so I don't think that he'll have any jealousy issues as I reach my goal. But you never know... do you?... He proposed to love me no matter what size (which is great) but at some point is my weight loss going to cause issues? I'm curious as to how the WLS Spouses are doing. Anyone care to share their experiences?... I'm going to ask my Hubby what, if anything, bothers him about my Journey. The last 3 months I have been focused on me.... Am I overlooking my spouses feelings? Kate Z 313/250/125

Kate, Rich had his surgery in August of 2004. We weren't even married at the time but were engaged. The surgery didn't disrupt our lives...but I certainly did have some envy issues! I had hoped at the time that by him changing his diet that I would lose weight too but that did NOT happen! I hadn't planned on having the surgery myself since: 1) I was "ONLY" 110 lbs overweight and 2) my insurance had an exclusion. It wasn't until my Mother died in late September and I realized that I was headed in her footsteps that we decided that I needed to get surgery too and get rid of my comorbidities and hopefully head off other familial things like coronary artery disease. So, we decided to get married *then* rather than fall of 2005 so I could get on Rich's insurance which did cover the procedure. We were married on Nov 22nd which would have been my parents 52nd wedding anniversary. I worked towards (never completed) a masters degree in psychology a number of years ago and I can tell you that when one person in a family changes, even if it is for the better - that the whole dynamic changes and everyone in the family is effected by it. And it can be unsettling. Everyone involved has to "learn" how everything works again. Things like: does Mom/Dad cook something different for dinner now, is there junk food brought into the house anymore, does Mom/Dad exercise now, what are the priority of things now, Mom/Dad isn't a couch tater anymore, is Mom/Dad jealous of the attention that the other is getting especially from the opposite sex, etc. I've seen many posts from marriages that aren't doing well after one person has weight loss surgery. Perhaps the marriages weren't doing that well to begin with. But I also think that many people find themselves rejuvenated after this surgery and they are tired of watching life pass them by like it had and they want to be out and about. This is overwhelming for the spouse who is used to them as they were - resigned to not doing much. I'm of the firm belief that you need to look out after number 1... yourself. If you neglect yourself to do for everyone else, you are doing everyone a disservice. The fact that you've had to focus on yourself for the months ends up benefiting your husband in the long run. He probably has a more active, more happy, and more healthy spouse. I think the way to avoid hurting your spouse's feelings is to be sure that you keep reminding him that you love him and reminding him that you had the surgery to benefit him as well as you. I think another good thing is to be sure to do many things with him and not run off on your own and leave him behind. I think these boards are great and wonderful place but some folks focus so much on their weight loss and support for it that they sometime lose their old friends, interests and keep focusing on everything WLS and their spouse gets lost in the shuffle. I'm on the boards daily and have some very nice friends because of it. The local ones I do get together with once in a while and sometimes Rich is included. I try to find a good mix of WLS things and non-WLS things. Does that make sense? I'm rambling. Hopefully something there made some sense. LOL! Kathy

My wife was reluctant about this whole WLS thing at the beginning. She was afraid something would happen to me. After almost 4 months and 125 lbs. of weight loss, she's crazy about it (in a good way). She's so happy for me. However, she is also jealous. She wants to lose weight and is jealous of how I'm dropping weight each week.

Hi Kate. This is a great subject! My husband and I were married six years ago and I was overweight, of course putting on a hundred more pounds in the last six years. But he never one single time made me feel bad about myself, I did that enough on my own. He said before this surgery, that if this is what I wanted he was 100% supportive of it. He just wanted me to be healthy like I wanted to be. Now that I have lost 79 pounds I know he is happy for me but I do believe he wishes he could lose the extra weight he has on, although he has not admitted it. If I dare say anything about his eating habits he seems to get defensive so I just tell him I want him around a long time too. I tell him I didn't have this surgery to now lose him. But because we have always had such a strong marriage I know that we will just become stronger through all of this. This surgery has made me feel better but has definetely not gone to my head, I am still the same ole' Lisa on the inside.

My fiance was dead set against me having surgery. He was scared to death that I was going to die on the OR table. He also thought (thinks?) that some day I am gonna leave him for a "skinny" guy (he is 5'7" 235...hardly what I would call huge). He is now better with it but is finding my emotionality to be hard to bhandle, my libido has tkane a nose dive and he hates that. He said I was beautiful before but I hated myself. I hear that most people have more of a libido after wls but not me maye it is subconsciously I am upset at his lack of support. I know he has jealousy issues that he needs to work through. So it has been a bit of a struggle as of late but I think things will settle down eventually.

My hubby was nervous at the thought of me having surgery - nervous that something could go wrong, even death. As the weight drops off and I am feeling great, he gets excited with me about how fast things are changing. He likes the way my body is changing. He is a big guy, 6'2" 285 and a lot of muscle! We have been married only 3 years, so he has never known me to weigh less than 270lbs (after Atkins). I now weigh 228lbs. He has told me maybe twice that he has felt jealous of how quickly and easily my weight/sizes dropped. I know exactly how he feels because one of my closest friends had the lap band done 2 years ago, and although I was extremely happy for her, at the same time I felt jealous, and like we were losing a part of what made us friends. No more shopping in the same sections, doing lunches together, etc. It didn't get the best of us, we are still very close. I just asked my husband how he feels. He doesn't feel we have any problems and I hope we never do - just because I'm getting skinny, doesn't make me love him any less.

My husband is constantly telling me how proud he is of me and he's happy I did something for myself for once. I tell him I did it more for us, as a family and so I could live longer and be happy and healthy. He's really happy that I actually get more attention from family/friends and says I deserve the spotlight for a change. He's always been supportive. He's never had any weight issues. He's weighed the same for the past 8 years, 5'9" and 175. I weigh less than him, first time since we were married 8 years ago. We began dating 14 years ago and I weighed about what I weigh now, 150ish. He's not jealous and never has been, even in my skinnier days. He says that I've always been sexy even when I was 221 because according to him, "Sexy is a state of mind." I remember someone posted about sex and is it different and really for us nothing has changed. We have it as often as we did when I was heavier, that didn't stop us. We always talk about everything. He's my best friend and I couldn't have done this without his help and encouragement. Yippee for wonderful husbands, friends, partners, and family members!!! We really can't do this without them. Oh, I have to give a shout out to all the wonderful MAYERS too!

At first discussion my husband was dead set against WLS. He is a 21 yr retired Marine and has weighed the same forever. He couldn't understand why I couldn't just eat grapefruits, smoke Marlboros and loss weight! I did all my research, fact finding, and MD appointments on my own and then one day notified him that he was going to the WLS seminar with me. He went some what reluctantly. But after the 2+ hour meeting he came out with a much better attitude and understanding. My hubby has never been much for emotions and talking so I took his silent support. He never said anything negative and was supportive when I asked for it. Now almost 4 months post op I feel wonderful and I can tell he is happy with all the changes. Unfortunely my best friend was and still is not supportive of the WLS. But I have more than enough emothional support from many other people. Jen

Hi, all: My husband and I had our surgeries together, May 3rd and 6th of this year. We were scared for ourselves and for each other at the same time, so it really felt like we understood what the other was going through. We healed together, experimented with new foods together, and keep each other on track now that things are getting to a new "normal". But I see some interesting stuff cropping up. My husband was never jealous before. Now he's much more aware of the complements and glances I get. I'm in a size 18 now, and married to a man with a clear preference for "big girls", so I wonder if he'll still be attracted to me when I'm no longer plus-sized. I was a size 26 when we married in 2003... and he thought I was HOT! He tells me he's attracted to me no matter what, but since I've never been smaller than I am today, he has as little idea of what's coming as I do. And because this is a new, rapidly-changing journey for me, I have to remind myself that he's going through something really cool, too! I have to make sure I'm not too "Tiffany-centered" to give him complements and reassurance... just like he's doing for me. In as much as I can say at this 4-month mark, I agree with the other posters. If your marriage is on the fence before WLS, it won't be helped. But if you're really in it together, it makes such a difference to have unconditional support in your corner. Tiffany S. 328/313/245/???

Hey there, Kate - this is an interesting topic. Let me give you a little background on me. I was sexually abused by a very close family friend when I was 14 (he was my parent's age) and because of that my whole view on sexuality was completely warped. I felt as though I needed to let a boy touch me, or me do something to/for him was the only way to get him to like me. I went to a Christian high school so I was one of the VERY few girls that would do anything like that for the boys, and they all knew it. I was the 'fun one' never the girlfriend. I was (only by the grace of God) TECHNICALLY a virgin when I married my first husband in 1988 - two days after my 19th bday - but I had done everything except the actual act if you know what I mean. My first husband was a very abusive alcoholic and within the first year of our marriage I went from about 190-200 pounds up over 300 pounds. All I did was eat and drink because I was absolutely miserable. I already had low self-esteem because of everything I'd done in high school with all of those boys but after putting on about 100 pounds, I felt even worse. To top it off, after I was married I was raped two different times by two different guys at two different parties. So.......needless to say, my sexual self was pretty messed up. Fast forward about 3 years. I meet the man who is now my husband and we begin to have an affair. Remember, my brain is still "give them sexual favors and they'll like you" so I thought by giving this man all of this SEX, he would like me! Sure enough, he did, but little did I know, he fell in love with my insides first. (Dern him!) He asked me to marry him three weeks after we'd met. Was he nuts?! I was still married, living with my (now) ex and not wanting to get into that whole married business again. Granted I was planning on leaving my (now) ex, but I was still there. About a week later, my ex started getting pretty violent again, so my NOW husband moved me out and we got married the day my divorce was final from my ex. (I do have a reason for telling you all of this, really!!) Fast forward another year or so. I found out I was pregnant 10 months after we (my now hubby) got married. After my daughter was born, I got into the medical field. My husband and I were getting along pretty well, but I was having a problem because I'd 'gotten' him, so I didn't feel the need for sex a whole lot. He grew up in a home where you just didn't discuss problems. So, he's feeling alienated sexually and not sharing it with me and I'm feeling like I didn't need it anymore because I got him. So...I'm working at this doctor's office and this guy and I work together a lot and begin a flirtation. He's cute, charming, fun, exciting, and oh yeah, married. Well, things go a little too far and while I know they shouldn't, I didn't want him to be mad at me and not like me, so I give in. (I toldja my 'sex-o-meter' was way messed up!!!) Well, just like most of the boys in high school, that's all it was to him whereas I wanted him to tell me he liked me, he loved me, he wanted me and couldn't live without me...not gonna happen. Fast forward another year or so...I had a one night stand with someone I met online. All I know is the first name is Jessie. That's it. Never saw them again after that. Fast forward about 3 years later. I confessed the first affair to him. He went ballistic, but forgives me and makes me promise to never do it again. I did (and for the record, haven't) and all was well. Fast forward about 2 years later. He finds out about the 2nd affair. He's ready to throw me out, but I told him that it happened after the 1st one, but before I told him about it and made the promise and it hadn't happened since then. I am again, forgiven, but trust isn't there. I can't blame him. So...now here we are. We've been married for (next month it will be) 14 years. I have had major counseling for my issues regarding sex and love and fidelity and trust. I feel like I will never do something like that again, although the temptation is there. My husband says he trusts me 90% and I can completely and totally understand why the 100% isn't there and may never again be. But, I have put safeguards in place (like I will never allow myself to be alone with a man - for my own protection as well as the protection of my marriage, I will tell him if I feel more than just a passing attraction to a guy, etc.) and feel that I will be okay. What does this have to do with my WLS? Well, as I'm getting smaller, I am noticing more glances my way. I'm feeling sexier. I'm feeling much more attractive. My husband is gorgeous (he's 5'11", 215 - all muscle - he's got like 15% body fat, cafe au lait skin tone - gorgeous) and lots of people tell me that he's gorgeous (the first thing one of my best friends said when she first met him was "I want one!", LOL) but he just doesn't see it. He is noticing the looks at me, though, and it does make him a bit nervous. I just keep reassuring him that I am his. I love him and I am with him for the long haul. I enjoy him and his company and I don't need gratification anywhere else. He is enjoying seeing me get smaller. We got married when I was around 300 pounds and other than a few pictures of me when I was in high school, he's never seen me smaller than that except for a few months in 1993 when I was around 260. He tells me all the time how good I look, how a new outfit looks really good on me, etc. Part of his problem is our past, but he also has some self-esteem issues. He sometimes thinks that I will feel like I can do better that I 'settled for the first thing that came to rescue me from' my ex, etc. So, there are some insecurities there. One good thing, though is that we are completely open and honest with each other about them. We discuss them, comfort and support each other, and are just completely honest. That really helps. Okay, I know you didn't really want to know all of that, but I just wanted you to know all of the reasons why we've had some issues. Part WLS, part not, LOL! Michelle