Self Esteem? (long post)

Hello everyone! Well, I am finally moved and back online. I have so many questions for everyone. I dont know, but this life I have been living after surgery has not been fun at ALL! Really, the only good thing is that I am off my insulin and I should be thankful for that....but I am disappointed in everything else. I know the surgery isnt a magic pill or anything, but maybe my expectations were way off the charts? I dont know. I have been searching for answers inside my mind for two months now, its making me crazy . It just seems to get darker and darker. I cant find the answers, or maybe I just dont want to hear the answers? I struggle with the do's and donts post op. What will work, what wont work. What should I do? What shouldnt I do? Why does one lose more or less than me? Do you all struggle as much emotionally as I do? Physically I am fine. I can eat just about anything, in small quantities. I havent lost a pound in over 3 weeks. I have no energy. I have made some not so good choices for foods/snacks..... I dont want to walk/exercise. I am not regular in anything anymore (cycles, bm's, etc) I miss food socially. Eating now is a chore, not so much fun. It ticks me off that I cant really enjoy my food without getting full after a few bites. It just doesnt seem right. I miss liking myself. As you can see, Im just a barrel of fun and laughs to be around these days. My family says I look and act better and have more energy than I have had in years. I just dont see it or feel it. Today I just wanted to stay in bed all day , but forced myself to get up and get some things done. I dont know that I am depressed, I dont want to see the doc about medications. I just want to be normal again. But most of all when I look in the mirror I see an ugly, fat cow. How does a person build their self esteem? Do I have to hug myself in the mirror everyday? Im very sad. Sometimes I wonder what I have done.........did I ask all the right questions preop to make sure I was ready for this drastic change? I dont feel like I will ever make it to 200#'s. Im stuck................. Tell me about your self esteem........good, bad, indifferent? Tell me to take a hike. Tell me to get over it. Tell me it will get better. Tell me something! Carrie

Carrie, 1st of all you are BEAUTIFUL! I can see the sunshine in your smile. It will get better! I also have not made the best food choices, and the only thing I can do is get up and try try again. My energy level sux, I am totally run down, but I have no choice to get up and do what I have to do. So you don't want to talk to a doctor about medication, what are your thoughts on plain old talk therapy? I can't begin to describe the advantages of venting to an objective professional once a week ! If you're not ready to make that move, how about some good old fashioned exercise. I am so sure that if you go for a brisk walk, you're gonna be feeling a little better. Try it out, keep in touch and let me know how you feel. You can do this girlfriend! Far as my self esteem, I have good days, and bad days...my skin is horrible and thats messing with my mind...

Carrie It seems to me that this is about the right time for all us Mayers to wonder what we are doing. I feel very good, my energy is good but it has come to the point that I am wondering what the long term path will be. I think because we have been such yo yo dieters all this time that in the "normal" weight loss diet we would have already given up seeing no results and be right back to our favorite comfort foods. Never before has a diet really worked for me. I have always been able to fall back to food and have a pity party, but not this time. This time it is time to face facts, relationships with ourselves and others and move foward to a more positive healthy place. I don't know if this would cheer anyone up but I do believe everything that you feel is perfectly normal and all us May Babies are starting to feel it. Just look on the bright side...at leaast our hair won't fall out till next month!!!! Take Care and keep writing your feelings out...I think it really helps cause everyone seems to have the same concerns......................Jen

Carrie~ You know, the definition of depressed is simply "down in spirits." It has taken on a whole new meaning in this age of clinical depression and medicinal solutions. There's nothing wrong with being down in spirits. The problem comes when you ignore it for too long and wait for things to improve on their own. Sometimes that happens, but most of the time, we need a little extra push in the right direction. I don't go to see my therapist very often because frankly, I can't afford to go regularly, but I do make sure that I check in now and then just to be sure that I keep that door open and that I'm on track. It's a great emotional release. No medication required. I'm glad we have one another here to talk to , and I really love you guys, but I know that I need an objective person to sit and listen to me also. I go to the same therapist who did my psych eval, since she's been with me since this whole process started, and I know she's WLS friendly & knowledgable. The exercise that I hate so much helps a lot with my energy level and my mood. Since I tend to burn out quickly when I do the same things over and over (that's a Gemini for ya), I try to mix things up. I walk every morning, and I use my lunch hour to work out, but on weekends, I "play." I play basketball or frisbee with my son, or I dance around my house. In fact, I just ordered some bellydancing, strip tease , and hip hop exercise DVDs from blockbuster.com. I'm hoping it'll be one more form of exercise that I'll enjoy. I need all the help I can get in that department. My self-esteem, like Aliya's, is good some days and lousy other days. I think that's the case with most of us. My cycle and schedules are completely off too, but I'm hoping that's just a matter of time. My body is still adjusting. My weight hasn't budged in nearly two weeks. It's extremely frustrating. I know that I was retaining water like crazy because of my period though, and I can feel that dropping away this weekend, so I expect to see some results tomorrow at my doctor's appointment. The weight loss, I've learned, is not going to be steady and consistent. It will come in fits and starts like the rest of life. Well, that's my two (or two hundred) cents worth! Sorry to have rambled on, but I hope I've succeeded in making sure that you know you're not alone, and that this too shall pass! Julie

Hey Julie, You are so right...Its great that we can all relate on some level

Take a hike!!! Just kidding!!! Girl, first thanks for this post. I love these 'simply, honest, type it as you feel' posts I read because they are REAL! We are people with these expectations, these hormones, these no matter how many times we look in the mirror we sometimes seem like nothing has changed. I think all your points are valid because we all have moments and days like this. Some people more than others. Unfortunately, from what I read on other boards and from talking to other people who have had WLS, we will keep having days and moments like this because we are just plain human beings. Even thin people feel like they have so many flaws. The good thing is that you are honest with your feelings and it helps with others going through the same thing...no one is alone in how they feel. We've all made some big changes and we have a ways to go whether it's physcial and/or psychological. But you are doing great! Hurray for no more insulin!!! Take care of yourself and find some way to reward yourself because you deserve it!

Ana, I love the new pic! You look fabulous. How can I change my headshot?

That is so sweet!! Thanks. I did not post my photo. I sent it to one of the OH volunteers who posted for me. You can do the same. It takes a little over a week to get the photo up and running.

Ana Took a look at your profile - that new picture - you look so beautiful!! Congratulations!

Thanks!!!! I've always felt beautiful inside and it's nice to sometimes feel that way on the outside too...for once! Thanks again.