Having a pity party

For the last couple of days I've been feeling very ... I guess deprived is the word. My family and I go bowling quite a bit but haven't been since my surgery. Well, Sunday night we went. We had eaten dinner earlier, but we were all a bit hungry. So I got a chef salad and was eating the ham, turkey, cheese, and boiled egg off the top with a bit of the lettuce. Then my hubby brings out this HUGE order of french fries that he got for himself and the kids. I have never wanted a french fry more in my life. I kept focusing on my salad and enjoying that, but those fries were seriously calling me. I just kept thinking, "you've had tons of those exact fries pre-op and you know they're not that good" (honestly, they're not) and "how will you feel if you know you CAN eat those??" (it would be like a non-stop steam engine crashing into a wall - McD's here I come) So, I didn't eat any but it was super hard - one of the hardest cravings I've had since surgery. So....last night we decided we'd go bowling again! But, we all ate dinner just before going so that we wouldn't have to buy any bowling alley food. We got there and the lane they put us in was right next to a pretty good sized family that had just ordered 3 large pizzas. Damn. Then a few more families and groups came in and wouldn't you know it - yep - EVERY (and I'm not exaggerating) one of them ordered pizzas. I didn't think it would get harder than the night before, but it did. I was seriously almost in tears by my 2nd game. My husband commented on the way home and said, "You know, that 2nd game you seemed different - is everything okay?" and I explained it to him and he just kept saying, "I can't imagine what that must be like for you." It's HARD! That's how it is for me!! And I hate it. I hate these cravings and the bad mood that they put me in. DH said he was going to buy me a full length mirror and everytime I have cravings, he wants me to go look into the mirror and see the major transformation that is taking place. I guess right now I'm just throwing a temper tantrum. I KNOW I can't have those types of foods, they are just not right for me, so it's not that I'm really tempted to eat them, because the minute I think about taking a bite, I automatically say no, but I want the cravings for them to go away. I hate this feeling. Thank you for letting me vent~ Michelle

Michelle, You're holding on to the wrong thing. You're concentrating on the fact that you wanted something so bad, and how awful the cravings are, but completely dismissing the fact that you stood your ground and didn't give in. Try remembering the experience from another perspective. Not "I really wanted those fries and pizza that everyone was eating and I couldn't, even though I knew the food wasn't that great..." but "OMG, I was heavily tempted twice with very unhealthy foods and I stood my ground and didn't give in. Yay me!" Seriously, I know it sounds trite, but as they always say, they do this surgery on your stomach, not your brain. Your doc is in charge of re-wiring your stomach. YOU are in charge of re-wiring your brain. Great job for sticking to your guns! Becky

You're right, Becky. Thank you. I did stand up to some MAJOR temptations and resisted. I'm realizing that there is more going on than meets the eye, too. My daughter is leaving for camp tomorrow for 8 days (she's 12 and has never been away from home for more than an overnight deal) and I'm sad, nervous, and a worried mom so I think that is having something to do with my mood, too. I'm also just finishing up my period - sooooo...with all of that, I am just having a difficult day. I know, this too shall pass - thank you so much for the encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know. Michelle

My sweet Michelle!!! First of all, can I just tell you that you are such an inspiration for me. I enjoy your posts and your words of sympathy, empathy, experiences and general happenings in your life. I have totally come to the realization this past weekend that I miss food so much. I miss not being able to have that huge plate of food and enjoy every bite that goes into my mouth. I miss not having the opportunity to eat as much as I used to. The many people that I have spoken with that are post op and medical professionals say the same thing. You go through the mourning stages of food. We didnt get to be morbidly obese because we had a healthy relationship with foods. It is a HUGE loss of ours. I believe its important to go through these different emotional times......it will help us heal mentally after so many years of being scarred! Also, its not that we can NEVER have these foods again, just not right now. I had the cheese and veggies off of one piece of pizza last night and two bites of the crust. That was enough for me! Everything in moderation........right? Sorry to go on and on.........Keep your chin up! Dont be getting postal on me now! lol :hug: Carrie

I promise, I won't go postal - even though hubby is a postal worker!! I'm so glad that you get something out of my journey. It is an adventure, that's for sure!! Sometimes I think I'm a major as next term (starting in Sept.) I'll be taking 13 credit hours, plus homeschooling my kids, and I'm on the worship team at church - I'm too busy! Anyway... My problem with eating a bit of pizza or fries or whatever is they were such a HUGE problem for me pre-op. Anything with a drive through, deep fried, pizza, etc. were my binge foods biggggggg time. It was nothing for me to eat an entire medium pan meat lovers pizza myself or better than 1/2 of a large one. I'd spend $15-20 at a drive through just on myself. So, if I eat something like that and DON'T have a problem - I think I'm just setting myself up for failure. I know that moderation is the key, but I don't know if I could eat those foods in moderation. That is my biggest concern. Michelle

The upside is you didn't cave in! You were put through a couple of really tough tests and passed them both! Hold steady and stay strong!

Hi Michelle! I can so sympathize with you on this matter. I too get sad when everyone around me still gets to eat all the stuff I use to love. But then I wonder if it was really the food or was it my comfort? Ya know what I mean? If I really stop and think about it, I think all that grease would leave me feeling so sick that I pretty much think its not worth it. And how many times preop did I eat all that stuff and go home feeling like a big fat sick pig. Many times, I can tell you that. I am so proud of you (and me) that we can be that tempted yet still resist the tempation. And guess what, even if you can't, just take one bite of everything they are eating, get it out of your system. I do not want to go through the rest of my life depriving myself of something that I love, I will just consider it a reward if I can at least take 1 bite (without getting sick). But don't worry, we all are feeling the same way you are, just at different times!!

I see whta you're saying, Lisa and it could have been a comfort, habit type thing that was going on with the food, I dunno. And yes, there were MANY times I'd get home and feel like a huge pig, failure, cow, etc., etc.... My fear is that the one bite will lead to many more - it's happened to me so many times before that I am afraid of it. Michelle

Hey there! The thing is........if you crave something and you have a bite or two.........with this surgery YOU ARE FORCED TO STOP after that. You physically will not be able to eat the amt you used to before. I guess I look at cravings and temptations in that....if I crave it for over a week, I then go have a bite of it or a drink of it. Then its out of my system and my head calms down. This whole journey has been much more of an emotional one for me than a physical one. Changing my thought process has been the issue, not what I can and cannot have. I guess everyone just looks at it differently. Whatever helps you get through the day, thats for sure!!! Carrie

Woo Hoo, Michelle! Way to resist major temptation! You're my hero!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Julie